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Kuta doesn’t put on any pretentious airs. It doesn’t have to. Because everyone knows that its pleasures lie in the visceral rather than the cerebral or spiritual. The only culture here will be in your yogurt. The best things in life are free even if it may cost you a bit of money one way or the other.

The beach, for starters, is a fascinating showcase of the massive socio-economic disparity between the foreign tourists and the third world’s downtrodden peasants.

The hawkers at Kuta are easily among the most persistent in the world. “No” is simply not a word they understand.

Gigolos are an added irritation: they’ll try it on with anyone from your sister to your grandma.

But the restaurants are cheap and so is the beer.

Every night’s a party and the Tracys and the Shelias and their Japanese and Taiwanese equivalents will head for the clubs dressed in the most skin revealing outfits you can imagine. Testosterone levels rising higher and higher.

The girls
It takes all types to make the world go round, so goes the old saying, and that is certainly the case on Kuta’s long, sandy beach where rough-looking battle-axes rub shoulders – not literally one would hope – with some of the most gorgeous looking girls this side of the equator.

Kuta Beach girls


Kuta Beach girls

The searing tropical heat can be overwhelming but it’s not only Englishmen and mad dogs who go out in the midday sun, judging from the large numbers of sunburnt Caucasian ladies on the beach who sport their tomato-red flesh like a sort of bizarre tribal-sexuality scar.

Kuta Beach girls
A very fit looking older lady

As for the Asian girls, they prize their pale skin and tend to head to the beach much later in the day – usually after 4.00pm - when the sun’s strength has eased off considerably.

Kuta Beach girls
Looks like she’s lost something. I hope it’s not her contact lens that’s fallen in the sand.

Warning
It is possible to score soft drugs in Kuta. But not a good idea. Cos some of those seemingly friendly drug pushers are actually collaborating with the cops. An easy way to stretch a two-week vacation into a 20-year super-extended stay. Not really recommended (unless you’re really keen on getting to know Schapelle Corby).

But the sunsets are still beautiful.

Sunset at Kuta Beach, Bali

Perhaps God loves sleaze after all.

Where to pull?
If you can’t pull in Kuta, you can’t pull your own socks up. Really. On the difficulty scale this is Angry Birds level 1.

Apart from the beach, you may want to visit some of these popular nighttime venues:

Bounty Ship – Loud, rumbustious disco in central Kuta with plenty of Aussie Shelias looking for someone special (actually they’re not that fussy) to take them home.

Sky Garden – Also on the main road. Three storeys of unfettered fun.

MBARGO. Is it worth it? Well, just be careful.

Peanuts Discotheque on Jalan Raya Legian (at the corner of Jalan Melasti). Dance well and you should score as easily as Lionel Messi.





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