Instincts that can still betray us,
A journey that leads to the sun,
Soulless and bent on destruction,
A struggle between right and wrong.
You take my place in the showdown,
I'll observe with a pitiful eye,
I'd humbly ask for forgiveness,
A request well beyond you and I.

~Ian Curtis, Joy Division

It’s been quite a laborious task, but I’ve managed to go through a fair chunk of the many hundreds of cables emanating from the US Embassy in Jakarta.

A lot of it is fairly standard stuff but there are some notable gems.

Here are my favorites!

1.“SEMI-UNHINGED PALESTINIAN AMBASSADOR ALLEGES "EMBASSY COUP D'ETAT" …The hijinx continued in an April 18 press conference in which Awad brandished a pistol, glowered at a pack of chortling journalists, and demanded that he be accorded ambassadorial status until he departs Indonesia, a day that apparently cannot come soon enough for the Indonesian Foreign Ministry. http://bit.ly/piGJps Satire at its very best!

2.Minangkabau reject Abu Bakar Ba'asyir http://bit.ly/qgK2q0

3. YES! Very important this one – LAPINDO MUD FLOW CLEARLY A MAN MADE DISASTER!!!! http://bit.ly/okKrqx

4. Sinar Mas does not have responsible management, says the Embassy, criticizes Greenpeace http://bit.ly/oqGREO Another blow for APP?

5. More satire. CUPID'S COMEBACK!!!! http://bit.ly/qNDC1H Who said Embassy staff don’t have a sense of humor?

6. How’s this for irony? US assists Indonesia and MUI on HALAL certification http://bit.ly/oF4Yj8

7. How the US utilized rock band SLANK to create a positive and welcoming image of the US and fight corruption http://bit.ly/mP1WW9

8. It's Better to Eat Pork than Vote for a Kaffir: Election politics in Bangka http://bit.ly/pg6ahq Wonderful stuff.

9. FBI agents in Indonesia http://bit.ly/qf2LdM

10. US government “embeds” its personnel directly into Indonesian government offices. http://bit.ly/n7xxmn

All in all, I find the Wikileaks quite reassuring. They depict the US as a good friend of Indonesia which is helping to promote economic development, human rights and democracy in the country.

If only they’d be a bit more open about it!

Oh dear. It looks like Garuda Indonesia are making right tits of themselves after they allegedly asked aspiring flight attendants in Korea to take off their clothes and have their breasts examined for implants.

The unnamed applicant told AFP that several dozen candidates for 18 female flight attendant positions were required to strip down to their panties for the check-up last month.

The women were told to lie on a bed while an Indonesian male doctor examined them, reported Yonhap news agency.

Garuda does not deny the outrageous allegations.

And a Garuda official even claimed that "the breast examination by hand was held since those with implants can have health issues when air pressure falls during flights".

Yet what’s good for the flight attendant (why don’t they call them stewardesses anymore?) should also be good for the passenger.

Although one can only imagine how female passengers would respond if they had their breasts fondled before attempting to board a plane!

One of the first causalities would be Malinda Dee – the buxom corrupter at Citibank who built up a rack of quite immense proportions whilst simultaneously siphoning off the funds of her well endowed clients.


Sorry love, you can’t get on the plane.
Why not?
You might blow up!

Garuda’s issues with the female form do not end with large and unnatural boobs.

Because their flight attendants are also banned from having tattoos as well!

Not only is this an absurd and discriminatory rule but totally hypocritical in light of Indonesia’s rich tattoo culture which extends from the Dayaks of Kalimantan to the Balinese and the tribespeople of the Mentawai islands.

A sweet and charming Garuda stewardess. But has she been body searched for tattoos?


It’s a cruel world that discriminates against girls like these!

Indonesia’s full of WTF moments.

Here’s another from Manado, North Sulawesi:


Is that really what you think it is?

Yep it sure is. The world’s largest menorah!

A new, 62-foot-tall menorah, possibly the world’s largest, rises from a mountain overlooking the Indonesian city of Manado, courtesy of the local government.

Flags of Israel can be spotted on motorcycle taxi stands, one near a six-year-old synagogue that has received a face-lift, including a ceiling with a large Star of David.

A menorah - which is a seven-branched candelabrum made of gold and a symbol of Judaism since ancient times - is the emblem of the modern state of Israel and certainly not the thing you’d expect to find in Indonesia, the world’s most populous Muslim nation.

But is the construction of the huge menorah really so surprising?

Well, perhaps not.

Because Indonesia and Israel, while not having diplomatic relations, have nonetheless discreetly shared military and economic ties over the decades.

Under former strongman Suharto, strong ties were established between Mossad and Indonesia’s special forces.

This explain why this unit of Indonesia’s armed forces is equipped with Israeli Uzi machine guns (Along with 65 other nations, Indonesia is listed on Wikipedia as a buyer of Uzis).

But an Indonesian ban on all private trade between the two countries remained in place.

After the downfall of Suharto, however, relations between the two countries started to improve.

Then in February 2000:

Indonesian Minister of Industry and Trade Yusuf Kalla removed all commercial barriers in the private sector between the two countries, and companies in Indonesia and Israel began trading with one another directly.

A month later, the first bilateral protocol agreement was signed between Asuransi Jasindo and Assure Ltd. of Israel, providing export credit insurance for importers and exporters from both countries.

The same month, Asuransi Jasindo announced it was opening its first international representative office in Israel.

This was all the more remarkable given the increasingly anti-Jewish sentiment in Indonesia at the time - owing largely to the bitter Israeli-Palestinian conflict.

But it didn’t prevent another major military deal from being struck in 2006 (under the presidency of Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono):

“The deal (to purchase Israeli Searcher Mark II drones) was done through a Filipino distributor. Indonesia’s Defense Ministry chose Philippines-based Kital Philippines Corp. which will also supply a command post, controlling equipment, infrared cameras and heat-tracking devices. No financial details were disclosed. Israeli drone manufacturers declined comment. The deal was a surprise to some because Indonesia, the world’s most populous Muslim country, has long supported Palestinian independence efforts and does not have diplomatic relations with Israel.”

Although trade between the two countries has been booming, most private companies operating in Indonesia try to keep the details secret.

One state owned company, in particular, PT ******, in addition to the ****** and ******* Groups, made efforts to conceal the trade by undertaking business with Israel indirectly.

To further cement the business ties between the two countries, an Indonesia-Israeli Chamber of Commerce has even been set up.

Yet Indonesia’s ban on Israeli passport holders from visiting Indonesia remains in force.

There are still no diplomatic relations between the two countries.

But that doesn’t stop Israelis who (also) hold passports of other countries from entering Indonesia.

In May earlier this year, a group calling itself the “Jewish community group” made the headlines after it requested permission to “host an event marking Israel’s Independence Day.

The request was duly denied by the Indonesian police but only on “a technicality”.

Manado is a staunchly Christian part of Indonesia and there are no Jews there.

A synagogue has, however, been founded just out of the city by some “10 Indonesians still struggling to learn about Judaism”.

10 people? How could they manage to come up with the funds for the US$150,000 it cost to build the huge menorah?

And there are not many Jews in Indonesia who could help either (there is reportedly a tiny group of around 20 hapless souls in Surabaya who have faced religious persecution and had their century-old synagogue forcibly shut down).

One of the leading lights in international investment is the brilliant George Soros.

“GEORGE SOROS has been a prominent international supporter of democratic ideals and causes for more than 30 years. His philanthropic organization, the Open Society Foundations, supports democracy and human rights in over 70 countries”.

In February 2010, he hit the headlines for saying that Indonesia was once again on the “global investment radar screen”.

But Soros is one of the good guys.

One of his planned investments in peatland restoration.

When I was a kid I never had pictures of the so-called great revolutionaries on my bedroom walls, opting instead for pop art, female movie stars, Ferraris and Salvador Dali.

Unidealistic I know. But I’d much rather look at Jemma Jameson’s fine figure than Fidel Casto’s ugly mutt any day of the week.

Anyway, it’s years on and I’m in Ubud - and what the heck’s that?

Wow! A bright red-and-white 1950s Cadillac.

This amazing old car is parked in front of one of those fancy tourist cafés that are so ubiquitous in Ubud - this one called Havana - and with my curiosity sufficiently piqued, I wander in.

Welcome to Cuba! Or at least it looks that way - like they’ve taken a little chunk of the revolutionary island – a bourgeois chunk that is – and plopped it down smack bang in central Bali!

It’s all very nice but the best is saved for upstairs where, at the very fancy “Castro's Table”, (and I’m quoting from the website here):

…you are transported to another time & place - a decadent pre-revolutionary private lounge in Havana.

Huge lavender chandeliers & gilded ceilings evoke the era. Swathes of aubergine silk curtains frame the doors leading to the iron-work outdoor terraces.

The improbably named Castro's Table

F**k me. Old Castro would be proud. Or turning in his grave.

Back downstairs again and I notice a rather inviting-looking sofa in one corner of the room with an iconistic picture of the stony faced rolex wearing Ché Guevara hanging above.

So I’m clearly in a place which pays homage to Cuban revolutionaries.

But why? It’s not as if they put up pictures of Karl Marx in German beerhouses or Vladimir Lenin in vodka bars.

And for all the restaurant’s fine nosh, revolutionary communism leaves a particularly bitter taste in this part of the world as memories of the horrific backlash against the red menace, although significantly faded, still live on (*).

But such things are best kept behind closed restaurant doors and I decide to sit down in the sofa only to be served by a couple of young and very attractive Balinese waitresses wearing - would you believe - dark-colored berets Ché Guevara style!

Ah my fellow comrades… Yes, a vodka would be fine!

Cafe Havana
Jl. Dewi Sita, Ubud
Tel: (0361) 972 973

* Between December 1965 and early 1966, an estimated 80,000 Balinese communists were slaughtered, roughly 5 percent of the island's population at the time, and proportionally more than anywhere else in Indonesia

Ceningan Island is a small island located just a stone’s throw away from the increasingly popular island of Lembongan.

So close, in fact, is Ceningan to Lembongan that a suspension bridge has been constructed between the two islands which allows you to get across on foot, by bicycle, and even by motorcycle.



So is the island worth a visit?

Absolutely!

It’s pretty much unspoilt and offers fantastic views of some of the most rugged coastline that you will ever see if you go for a holiday to Bali.



As there are hardly any accommodations on the island, it’s best to stay in Lembongan and make a visit to Ceningan Island a day trip. Simply hire a motorcycle (around Rp50,000), or, if you are the environmentally-aware sucker-for-punishment type like me, a mountain bike for not much less (about Rp25,000).

To get to Ceningan Island from the main village on Lembongan, just head down to the south coast, and then follow the coastal road until you arrive at the suspension bridge.

Apart from exploring the rugged coastline, there are a number of things you can do on Ceningan Island:

1) Cliff dive at the Blue Lagoon. Located at the southern end of the island, the Blue Lagoon is an exposed bay where it’s possible to do a cliff dive. I wanted to do it, but bottled it. It just looks too dangerous. And if something does go wrong, well let’s just say your holiday wouldn’t have a happy ending. Even so this is a great place to visit just to enjoy the spectacular scenery.



2) Snorkel the coral reef on the eastern part of the island (called the Ceningan Wall). STRONG CAVEAT: this is no place for inexperienced snorkelers or kids because of the very strong and unpredictable down current which could drag you out to sea, most probably never to be seen again.

3) Witness a spectacular sunset on the western part of the island.

4) Rent a small canoe and explore the seaweed farms.

The Island’s future
Although undeveloped, the island’s potential has been recognized and the National Land Agency of Bali’s Klungkung Regency, in one of those typically wacky Indonesian decisions, has issued a private property certificate for 23.70 Acres (95,914 square meters) of the island’s land to an individual from Bali even though the land was previously certified as state land!

For the people living on the island, the ramifications of this verdict were almost immediate:

Once this State land was certified as the private property of I Wayan Naka, he began to develop the land by planting cassava, peanuts, bananas, coconuts etc on the land, as well as on the land immediately adjacent (located to the immediate south of local seaweed farmers’ huts).

In 2006, I Wayan Naka began fencing off parts of the property with trees such as Gliricidia, Santen, and Cemcem, etc. so that access to the location, which is adjacent to the community’s main access point bridge became blocked, disrupting local community livelihoods activities.

Source: Nusa Ceningan: Not for Sale

The people of Nusa Ceningan are not going down without a fight, however, and are contesting the Land Agency’s decision via the courts.

Things looked up when the District Court of Klungkung, Bali, ruled in the people’s favor but their livelihoods remain in the balance as the verdict has been appealed to Bali’s High Court.

Let’s hope justice is done.

For the people's sake and the sake of the island.

Heading along the path to the beach in Tulamben, East Bali and I see this:


Be a men? Well, that's not an easy thing to do! Because unless you are some sort of schizophrenic wacko with multiple personalities, then you are gonna find the role of “being men” very difficult indeed. But even so, the graffiti does raise the interesting question of what it means to be a man in today’s world. Sure it’s tough and sure it’s expensive. But while there are rules to be followed – never go on an expensive date and expect the woman to pay half, for example – there are also a lot of misconceptions. Here are some of them:

1. Must have a big, manly, fancy car (or wants one). To psychologists, the car is one of five objects that can be routinely linked to penis anxiety syndrome (the others being the cigar, the phallic looking national monument (such as Indonesia’s Monas), sexual performance medication (such as Pasak Bumi) and, of course, the handgun).



But does car size really matter? Or does it merely reveal the owner’s deep-rooted sexual insecurities? Well, whatever the answer, an obsession with cars is certainly doing an awful lot of psychological damage to Jakarta’s long suffering motorists as they waste away their lives in soul destroying traffic jams. And all that sitting down can’t be good for the old balls either!

2. Thinks smoking is cool! Smoking may be the classy way for “idiots to commit suicide” - but it’s still an utter disgrace that cigarette manufacturers like Gudang Garam continue to promote cancer sticks to children through the sponsorship of music concerts and sports events. Toddlers – yep, toddlers! - are puffing away in some parts of the archipelago and I’ve even been offered fags at the gym to improve my health. The body count for smoking is above 500,000 per year in Indonesia. Not cool at all.

Pria punya selera but not much else

3. The women on the side. As men get older, they need confirmation from a younger woman that they are still a man. But while it’s not difficult to have a one night stand with some random chick you’ve just met in the mall, some men raise the ante by taking on a mistress and even - God forbid - adding to their collection of wives. Not cool at all. After all, how many guys would be happy if their wife had another couple of husbands? (cuckolds don’t need to answer this question, obviously)

4. The bloody huge house. Nuffin wrong with wanting a big house – the real man is master of his own home – but gaudy bad taste is never acceptable.


5. Thinks it’s clever to pass the blame! A real man takes responsibility for his actions and doesn’t lie. There may be no contract but he’d rather die than break his word. And he doesn’t piss off to Singapore when things get feisty, either.

6. Shuns domestic housework. Virtually no men in Indonesia do housework, viewing it as the woman’s job – specifically the maid’s. But while it can be very tempting to pursue more manly activities - such as drinking beer or reading FHM – the real man realizes the importance of helping around the home. And the benefits.

Men should help with the housework

7. Has a Crackberry. A real man needs to stay focused, so a Crackberry is a definite no no. And, anyway, is there any more pathetic sight than a man struggling to type away on some incredibly small handphone keyboard in public? A real man’s fingers are simply too big. Moreover, real men don’t gossip and they certainly don’t need to discuss things they don’t know about with people they have never met.

8. Appearance. A real man in Jakarta doesn't have piercings or long hair, and he certainly doesn't shave his chest. Visits to spas are, however, acceptable. Massages from female attendants – but never from a man - are also tolerated. After all, a real man knows that, other than his barber, all his personal hygiene needs must be handled by a woman!