Following a sustained and lengthy battle against the evil (and mostly foreign) proponents of permissiveness, the Indonesian government has reportedly agreed to the demands of the anti-Bintang league, the nation’s leading organization for national prohibition in the Republic of Indonesia, and with immediate effect has banned the consumption of any type of alcohol on these hallowed shores!
This landmark decision is seen as crucial is saving the country’s youth, whom according to senior politicians from two of the country’s largest Islamist parties (no connections to IS), have been spending all their pocket money at brightly-lit convenience stores on bottles and cans of Bir Bintang even though they don’t actually like the bitter taste and would far prefer pulpy orange instead – that’s if they weren’t already hooked on a drink, which, to add insult to injury, appears to be brewed by communists! Communists I say! Because why else would there be a bloody large red star on the bottle?
And my God - the price! At Rp25,000 or more for a large bottle the communists or greedy western capitalists (we’re not quite sure who yet) who brew this stuff are really taking the piss. I mean that’s nearly the same as two packs of super strength kretek cigarettes, which all our kids naturally smoke – but that’s okay, I say, as they are far healthier for you than beer (some even say that kretek give you a deeper and sexier voice…)
And as for any tourists who think about bringing any alcohol into Indonesia through the airport they might want to think twice about doing that. Just ask Schapelle Corby what it’s like to spend nine years in an Indonesian prison.
We all know about the risks of injecting Bir Bintang but did you also know that the drink also causes adultery, violence, atheism and makes the drinker (and his children) suffer from diseases such as tuberculosis and VD?
Local people are also affected by this ruling of course - so let’s hear what they have to say:
"As a bar waitress, I'm going to lose my job. What does this mean for me? Well, it’s not easy if you don’t have any qualifications so maybe I’ll just have to go with the flow and become an online PSK"
Sandi Wedhus, legendary youth smoker from Surabaya
“Couldn’t care less mate! It’s fags for me!”
German traveler Wolfgang Goffing
“I don’t think tourists will be happy. Everyone likes a beer. They’ll just say “’well if I can’t have a beer, fuck it - I’d rather go to Thailand.””
Tony Sinatra – well-known gangster cum businessman
“Hmm. There could be opportunities here…”
Made of Bali (like many Indonesians he only has one name)
"No tourists will come to Bali if there is no Bintang. We’ll have to sell our shiny cars and motorcycles, put away our surfboards, and return to the rice paddies to make a living.”
Lawmaker Ira Hydris and founder of the National Anti-Bintang League
Beer is like a “machine killing our youth”. It must be stopped before it stops us. Long live Indonesia!”