Obituary: the Indonesian rainforest

Indonesia’s rainforests were dealt a stunning deathblow a few years ago after the Indonesian government signed a huge deal with China that will effectively destroy the remaining forest in Kalimantan (Indonesia’s part of Borneo).

Although the "lungs of South-East Asia", as she was otherwise known, had been in excellent shape since time immorial, it seems that a particularly pernicious new disease called “humangreed” has exacted its toll.

And although no memorial service will be held by the Indonesian government, it did say it would send plenty of fallen trees – instead of flowers - to China in a mark of disrespect.

But such a needless loss of life has created anger in some quarters. And plans seem to be afoot to banish this terrible disease once and for all:

A representative for the Earth announced Tuesday that the planet has indeed abandoned its policy, maintained for thousands of years, of appeasement toward humans. Following the tsunamis, Hurricanes Katrina & Rita, and now the devastating earthquake in Pakistan, many experts had already hypothesized that the earth was trying a new strategy.

Their guess was confirmed when Earth's representative made the recent announcement. She went on to say that Earth is tired of human pollution, deforestation, sucking its natural resources dry, and most of all, the bubble gum stuck all over the pavement.

Earth is quoted as saying, "I let ya'll get away with this s*** for long enough. You think I can't brawl?? You wanna get crazy?? Let's get crazy!! I will f*** your sh** up!! You ever seen a tornado and an earthquake at the same time? You ever seen a volcano in the middle of Jakarta? An even bigger ****ing tsunami than in Aceh? Well, you will now ******s!"

Earth expanded on what inspired her to change her tactics when she said, "I happened to read that famous quotation about Germany, you know, the one that goes, 'In Germany, when the Nazis came for the Communists, I didn't speak out because I’m not a Communist. When they came for the Jews, I didn't speak up because I’m not a Jew. Then they came for the Catholics, but I didn't speak up because I’m a Protestant. Finally, they came for me... But there was no one left to help me.' It made me really realize that ...as the Earth, ...I have to... well, you know, speak up. I mean, I'm not Jewish either, and... and when they cut down trees..."

"Well, ...I forget what my point was... but VOLCANOES EVERYWHERE!! You hear me?!!"


This image of Anak Krakatau (Copyright NASA) was taken by the Ikonos satellite on June 11, 2005. Anak Krakatau rose less than 8o years ago from where the crater of its parent, Krakatau used to be. This crater disappeared in one of the largest-ever volcanic eruptions in history. In fact, the eruption in 1883 was so huge that the top of the volcano literally blew off, creating the loudest noise on human record. The sound even reached as far as Australia, some 3,450 kilometers to the east. Huge tsunamis were also generated, with waves up to 30 meters tall.