The definitive guide to Indonesian politicians

I was watching the Metro TV program “Kick Andy” and on it he had this impoverished women who had kept changing her name when she was younger because she was always suffering from ill health. But after changing her name for the umpteenth time, guess what? She stopped getting sick! Luckily for her she had found the “right” name.

But what about the nation’s politicians? Are they blessed with the “right” names or not? (don’t think I’m stepping beyond the realms of credulity here; this is Java, after all!)

No, we don’t need to worry about what the politicians actually believe or what policies they intend to implement. What counts are their names! But how to interpret them?

Well actually that’s not so difficult. Because we can use anagrammaticography, a highly regarded tool which is noted for its uncanny ability to accurately draw meaningful conclusions about the political figures and their views on a host of issues. Used since the middle ages, anagrammaticography really came to the fore in the 17th century when it was noted that an anagram of “William Shakespeare” revealed the phrase “I am a weakish speller”. (Shakespeare, of course, was noted for signing his name in at least seven different ways).

Although criticized by religious types as “the work of the devil”, the power of political anagrammaticography cannot be overlooked. An anagram of “George Bush” reveals “He bugs Gore”, and rather more ominously “Sarah Palin” reveals “Sharia plan”. (I always suspected that the US religious right had made an unholy (sic) alliance with the Jihadists, so thank God Barack Obama won the US presidential elections). Incidentally, an anagram of Barack Obama comes up with 'Aback, a Rambo!' – strongly suggesting he ain’t quite the limp-wristed liberal that many believe he is!

But how do Indonesia’s politicians shape up? Well, here’s a lowdown on some of the leading names:

Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono (Partai Demokrat): Not a bad chap but he has completely failed to make far reaching reforms that would actually give this country a chance of catching up with the rest of the world. Absurd laws still get passed by parliament, and SBY only turned up the heat on the fanatics after terrorist plans to bomb his residence came to light.

Verdict: Baboonish as young mouldy

Megawati Sukarnoputri (PDIP): Although not noted for her intellectual acumen, Megawati is at least a loveable housewife with a famous father.

Verdict: Utopias wreak maturing


Yusuf Kalla: this pint-sized Golkar Party stalwart is the second child out of 17. Although he has nationalist tendencies he also supports foreigners’ efforts to ingratiate themselves into Indonesian society: “"If the janda [divorcees] get modest homes even if the foreign tourists later leave them, then it's OK. The children resulting from these relationships will have good genes. There will be more television actors and actresses from these pretty boys and girls."

Verdict: Flaky usual

Tommy Suharto: Despite a minor run-in with the law, Tommy is gunning for the top post of the Golkar Party. It may seem unlikely, but in Indonesia, don’t forget, ANYTHING is possible.

Verdict: Yum! Smooth Rat!


Aburizal Bakrie: one of the richest men in Indonesia (worth anywhere from US$3-5 billion depending on who you believe) and the protectorate of the poor, Aburizal has done well to distance himself from events in East Java.

Verdict: I bulkier bazaar. (??????)


Abdurrahman Wahid (PKB): A fine man and I love him dearly, but too much of a maverick to be a great leader.

Verdict: Ha Ha! Mud braw drain.


Amien Rais (PAN): Noted nationalist politician who is well regarding for playing an important role in ending the dictatorship of Suharto. In recent years, he seems to be getting increasingly anti foreign and has some pretty zany ideas on the economy.

Verdict: Rise mania!!!!

Hidayat Nur Wahid: Leader of the Islamic party PKS, Hidayat Nur Wahid seems like a friendly enough chap although I’m not so sure about his democratic credentials.

Verdict: Ha Ha! Win arid duty.

Now for three noted ex generals:

Wiranto (Hanura): Amateur crooner with matinee idol good looks. Just don’t mention East Timor or the May riots.

Verdict: Rat Wino!

Sutiyoso: Selfless and tireless worker for the people, Sutiyoso’s crowning achievement was turning Jakarta into a city of huge cultural interest by establishing it as SE Asia’s “Venice of the East” (subject to adequate rainfall).

Verdict: So its you!

Prabowo Subianto (Gerindra): UK educated ex leader of Indonesia’s feared special ops, KOPASSUS. Now a socialist, apparently. Long term plans to run the country, and with his financial resources who would bet against him?

Verdict: Now absorb utopia. (Now i wonder if that's ever gonna come true...)