I'm feeling rough, I'm feeling raw, I'm in the prime of my life.
Let's make some music, make some money, find some models for wives.
I'll move to Paris, shoot some h***** and f*** with the stars.
You man the island and the elegant cars.
>Time to Pretend by MGMT

All cities have their rhythms and a mastery of these predictable patterns is essential to a reasonably hassle free life. Good timing is everything.

And Jakarta is no exception. So whenever I need to travel the clogged arteries of this sick and unhealthy city, I try – if at all possible – to do so during Friday lunchtimes when the traffic suddenly disappears from the roads in a similar way that the Red Sea opened up a passage on the order of the great Prophet Moses.

I find myself at my chosen destination – the Jakarta Stock Exchange building in no time at all (If I had traveled at any other time, it could have taken up to an hour).

It’s not possible to simply walk into the front entrance anymore (the doors are now permanently locked) and I have to walk to the main entrance around the back. But wtf is that?



Wow! A Rp5 billion Bentley. I wonder if it belongs to that guy who doesn’t have to pay taxes?

A visit to the Jakarta Stock Exchange building always brings back memories for me. I was managing a small company there when a large earthquake hit and everyone else legged it as fast as they possibly could - probably leaving me the only person in the building!

And I was also there when terrorists decided in their lunacy to set off bombs in the underground parking lot, killing a lot of people and guaranteeing their one way ticket to hell.

The memory of this act of barbarism lingers on and explains why the Jakarta Stock Exchange building is now one of the most tightly guarded buildings in all of Jakarta.

Anyway, I’ve taken the fast moving lift up to one of the upper floors before going through some glass doors into a posh looking room filled with fancy art works (copies of course) and a nice looking sofa.

It’s pretty quiet – it’s Friday lunchtime – but there are a few people in the queue and I find myself standing next to a rather professional looking Chinese lady.

She’s in her late 30s I’d say, and is wearing a checkered business suit - which is rather tightly tailored – and has a large pearl necklace around her neck. She has makeup on – but only sparingly – and has long, jet black hair which looks like it’s just been washed. And she smells like Paris.

She then stumbles on her heel, and as she looks up, catches my eye.

Me: Be careful, or you’ll end up on the floor!
Her: (she smiles and laughs softly)
Me: Worried about the debt crisis too?
Her: Yes. Should I be?
Me: Only if you have debts. Do you?
Her: No.
Me: Well don’t worry then. Europe’s a long way from here.
Her: Are you from Europe? Which country?
Etc……..etc…
Me: And I’m ********. Who are you?
Her: I’m VIOLENT
Me: No please – you don’t have to be! Was it something I said?
Her: I’m VIOLENT!

She then reaches into the inside pocket of her jacket, whips out a card and gives it to me:




WTF! You have to be kidding me! It’s a misprint surely, it must be. But it’s not. It’s not a misprint; it’s her real name…

And as for the strangely named psychedelic fish?

Well, that ain’t a misprint either – its real name is Histiophryne psychedelica – but the name of an Indonesian fish which has been named as one of the world’s most bizarre newly-discovered creatures by the International Institute for Species Exploration for 2010.

Perhaps I should tell Violent.



Indonesia's psychedelic frogfish wishes everyone a nice trip

Jesus, don't cry
You can rely on me, honey
You can combine anything you want
I'll be around
You were right about the stars
Each one is a setting sun
> Jesus etc by Wilco

During the weekends in Jakarta, the disciples of Indonesia’s newest religion head to the shopping malls to pay homage to the Great God of Consumerism. Prayers are not necessary but the faithful are expected to sacrifice their hard-earned incomes on things they don’t need (if that ain’t devotion to the cause I don’t know what is!). Converts come from across the social spectrum but as in all religions blasphemers are not tolerated - so never attend a service without a wad of cash in your pocket (although ATM and credit cards will also do).

The new places of worship are built on a scale to impress – as befitting a great religion – and are being erected at such a phenomenal pace that there are now estimated to be one shopping mall for every 18 Jakarta residents (not counting the poor, obviously).

But it hasn’t always been this way and there was once a time when places of worship were actually built with a bit of character and class.

One of these places is the Jakarta Immanuel Church in Central Jakarta.

Last Friday I decided to check it out.

Located just opposite the Gambir train station, the church is set well back from the main street and obscured from view by a large fence.

At the main entrance the security guard was asleep on the job so I just walked on through.

From the outside, little has changed and the church looks almost exactly the same as it did when it was built in 1839.

A photograph of the church in 1875

And not far from the same spot where I stood 135 years later

Drawing on the classical temple architecture of the Ancient Greeks and Romans, the church is built in the Palladian style that was very popular in Old Blighty during the 17th century and easily recognizable from its use of symmetry and – of course - the huge columns.

A tad grandiose perhaps for Jakarta’s kampungs - where the minimalist “shanty hut” style of architecture is very much in vogue these days – there are, however, strong echoes of the Palladian style in the houses that Jakarta’s super rich construct today (see this “Versace” mansion I came across a while back for instance).

Step inside the church, through huge wooden doors, and it’s like stepping back in time. The church simply exudes character and a chill goes through my body – actually it’s a bit creepy in here too - despite the sauna-like temperatures inside. In fact, it’s so damn hot in here that I’m sweating pints like a sinner roasting on the spits in Hell. My shirt is drenched in sweat.

I discover a way up to the first floor and walk up a creaky old spiral staircase which feels as if it could give way at any moment. Light streams in through some of the ancient windows and strange shapes dance furtively in the shadows.

Now it gets really weird – I can’t get my camera to focus! I’ve never had this problem before but it simply won’t do it automatically and so I have to switch to manual focus. And even then the camera won’t work well. Weird.

At the far end of the room there’s an old wooden organ that was apparently shipped over in parts from Holland in 1843 and only fairly recently restored in 1985. Must be a blast to hear – it’s really huge.

Anyway, after a few moments of contemplation it’s time to go -

- I’ve got to meet someone for lunch in the food court of the new Grand Indonesia shopping mall!

Oh hell!

NB: checking the camera that evening and there was no problem. It doesn’t like churches, perhaps?

Ever wanted to know what it’s like to be in the middle of a full-scale riot?









>>my story is here

Note: the Jakarta 13 May 1998 riots were hardly spontaneous and judging from what I saw - and also from the accounts of people I know – they were undoubtedly “orchestrated” by “certain elements” who were way beyond the reach of the “law”. The scary thing is not just that the ringmasters of the rape, pillage and murder got off scott-free - but also that they are still actively involved in Indonesian politics to this very day. Justice. What justice?

Oh ev'ry night and every day
A little piece of you is falling away
But lift your face the Western Way
Build your muscles as your body decays…
>Freddy Mercury

Like many expats living in Jakarta I go to a gym. There aren’t many other options for sport in this crazy city. Sure you can go cycling or running or something, but half an hour panting and puffing outside in central Jakarta is probably the equivalent to smoking half a pack of Marlboros because of the terrible pollution. You’d actually be doing more harm to yourself than good! Not only that but it’s bloody hot. An air-conditioned gym is a far better bet.

Okay, so I arrive at the gym early-evening as usual, only this time there are a couple of SPG (sales promotion girls) by the entrance who, for reasons I can’t quite put my finger on, grab my immediate attention.



A lot of companies in Indonesia make use of sales promotion girls. They sell things as varied as laptops, cigarettes, TVs and other electronics, and of course cars. Occasionally they turn up at my gym to sell expensive body building supplements, vitamins and energy drinks.

Anyway, one of the girls catches my eye and approaches me:

Her: “Hello Sir!” (Sir! Me? wtf?)
Me: “Hello juga, dan kamu sudah makan?” (Hello, and have you eaten yet?)

She laughs, reaches into a box on the table and takes a small packet out. Oh shit! Bloody useless vitamins again, I’m thinking, but then whips out a fag and offers it to me!

Me: Apa itu! (what’s that?!)
Her: Healthy cigarette (yes, she says it in English)
Me: Healthy cigarette? Tidak lah, I don’t need one of those (thinking it’s one of those health cigs you don’t actually light up)
Her: No. You smoke it like real cigarette. Sehat sekali. Baik untuk anda! (very healthy. It’s good for you!)

Wtf, I’ve heard a lot of nonsense over the years but this takes the biscuit – being offered a fag at the gym – and to get healthy!

She smiles at me. I smile back.

Her: For you free. Coba...(try it...)

I thank her, grab the promotional leaflet and go outside and light up. It tastes a lot like a standard Gudang Garam clove cigarette – bloody strong in other words, and with the nicotine and tar levels way off the radar screen.

According to the leaflet, these healthy cigarettes offer all sorts of incredible health benefits:

(Click on image to read the leaflet)

- Antibiotic properties
- Cleansing properties (to rid the body of toxins in the mouth, nose and ears)
- Normalizes cholesterol levels and blood sugar levels
- Maintains good health and improves male virility! (wtf!!!)

And most bizarrely of all this:

- Helps lessen the symptoms of flu and asthma and GOOD FOR THE CAPACITY OF THE LUNGS (wtf!)

Finishing off the fag I don’t feel half bad and head over to the swimming pool to do a few lengths.

I jump in at the deep end as usual, and curious to see if the fags really do have magical properties, I see how long I can stay under the water. After a few months of practice I’ve got it up to 3 minutes but my diver’s watch already shows I’m up to 3 minutes and my lungs feel so strong I feel I could blow up a hot air balloon if someone asked me!

Finally after 10 minutes I surface!

Fucking wonder fags! I leg it back to the gym to get meself a few packs, but to my horror the two sales promotion girls aren’t there anymore!

I ask around and noone else says they even saw them.

Weird. Weird as hell. Well, you’ve got to make the most of things in this wacky city while you can. Delay it for just a moment too long and the opportunity will be lost like the way that sand slips through your hands…

I’ve written about this before so I won’t bother to go to the effort again.

Especially as it’s Saturday and the day of rest…

Labor Day in Jakarta