Alterity | Jakarta and Bali

Would you want to take out Julie Octha? Of course you would! She is so hot and sexy that she would make a very good date. But you’d better have deep pockets. Because the sizzling hot 21 year old is a self confessed cewek matre (material girl), who is only interested in dating rich guys! Julie Octha wants the good life; her motto: dough or die! And if you aren't loaded, this is what she says to you: She dresses on credit, but she will only undress for cash – in this case for a well known Indonesian men’s magazine: Way to go!!!

In Singapore they have Singlish; a highly bastardised form of English popular among the proletariat but a source of long-term embarrassment for the Britisher-than-British Singapore govt.  But not far across the increasingly effluent-filled Java Sea, here in Indonesia, we have something much, much, better. Bollockish.  But while Singlish generally makes sense to those who understand the language, Bollockish is different.  Nope, this is not the language of communication but, rather of discommunication; that is the deliberate attempt to make yourself as clear as a Dutchman on psilocybin mushrooms .  An eloquent speaker of this rapidly growing language is Qory Sandioriva , the Indonesian contestant at this year’s Miss Universe contest, who, when asked what was the best advice she could give to a man, replied:  "I think when you down the women can make you up, and I think the women can be said that "I have advice for you" if you way up, you have to be nice with peop...

Dating is pressure and tension. What is a date, really, but a job interview that lasts all night? ~ Jerry Seinfeld Most foreigners get to know Indonesia by visiting Bali, but this tiny island is hardly representative of Indonesia as a whole. And if it’s Indonesian girls you are interested in, then you will have to pack your bags, bid farewell to the wonderful people and exquisite rice fields of Bali, and catch a plane to the steaming metropolis of Jakarta over 1,000 kms away. For a time you may find the transition difficult. But do not give up easily. All will turn out well in the end! Jakarta is not cheap and for most of us that entails getting a job. Not necessarily a bad thing but don’t take on anything too stressful else you may find yourself too drained to actively play the dating game. Bear in mind that if you are new to Indonesia and cannot speak the language then learn it. It opens up a much wider range of opportunities. For the meantime, though, your best bet is too m...

Bruce is driving over Sydney Harbour Bridge when he sees his girlfriend Sheila just about to throw herself off the bridge into the water far below. Bruce slams on the brakes & shouts "G'day Sheila! What the hell do you think you're doing?" Sheila turns around with a tear in her eye and says "G'day Bruce - You got me pregnant & so now I'm gonna kill myself." Bruce gets a lump in his throat when he hears this and says "Sheila, not only are you a great root, but you're a real sport." Hahaha! But you don’t just find shelias in Aus; they are also found elsewhere, even in Asia. A famous example being the acclaimed Malaysian singer and sex symbol, Sheila Majid, who will be heading to the Big Durian (Jakarta) to give a concert on 23 September. Tanggal: 23 Sep 2010 Tempat/Venue: Plenary Hall, Jakarta Convention Center, Senayan Kota: Jakarta Harga: VVIP : Rp. 2.500.000,- VIP : Rp. 2.000.000,- Class 1 : Rp. 1.000.000,- Class 2 : Rp. 800.00...

The finest daughters of Indonesia’s far-flung province of Aceh keep making the news and after Cut Tari’s (s)exploits, it’s been Qory Sandioriva’s turn to step into the spotlight at this year’s Miss Universe contest. Young Qory, although tracing her bloodline back to Aceh, was actually born in Jakarta on 17 August 1991 – which also happens to be Indonesia’s Independence Day of course – meaning her nationalistic credentials are beyond reproach. But although the Big Durian may have brought out the “wild side” in young Qory, the Aceh starlet still opted to wear a swimsuit at the Miss Universe contest rather than a more revealing bikini. Bad move. You don’t win Miss Universe looking like this Qory And poor Qory also suffered from the same handicap that afflicted other Indonesian beauties in the past (remember Nadine?) – her English is CRAP. When asked what was the best advice she could give to a man she replied: "I think when you down the women can make you up, and I think the women ca...

Where better to watch the new Indonesian film, Obama, Anak Menteng (Obama, the Menteng Kid), than in Menteng itself? But not in one of those boring modern cinema complexes that you find in shopping malls - and which have about as much character as a Big Mac – but in probably Jakarta’s only historic cinema still standing, the wonderfully nostalgic Bioskop Megaria, originally named Bioscoop Metropool when it was built back in 1932. The film paints a romantic picture of “Our Barry” as a young kid in 1960s Indonesia, munching on chicken sate rather than K.F. Crap, and just generally coming to terms with life in the capital city (don’t we know about that!). This was a highly chaotic period in Indonesia’s history – but you’d hardly know it from the film. Obama’s acceptance in his peer group of school friends ironically comes with him engaging in fisticuffs and defeating the school bully (somewhat politically incorrect and I hope it isn’t one of Obama’s life lessons else the US may be in Af...

Are Indonesians happy?        Well, that looks like a big yes. But hold on a sec – a poll has just been conducted by the US market researcher Gallop to see just how happy the citizens of different nations really are.  And here is a summary of the results - which I have tabulated according to the percentage of people who are “thriving” (as opposed to “struggling”).  Rank, Country, %Thriving, %Struggling, %Suffering   1 Denmark 82 17 1  2 Finland 75 23 2  3 Norway 69 31 0  4 Sweden 68 30 2  4 Netherlands 68 32 1  6 Costa Rica 63 35 2  6 New Zealand 63 35 2  8 Canada 62 36 2  8 Israel 62 35 3  8 Australia 62 35 3  8 Switzerland 62 36 2  12 Panama 58 39 3  12 Brazil 58 40 2  14 United States 57 40 3  14 Austria 57 40 3  16 Belgium 56 41 3  17 United Kingdom 54 44 2  18 Mexico 52 43 5  18 Turkmenistan 52 47 1  20 United Arab Emirates 51 48 1  85 Indonesia 18 ...

Here’s the abstract of an interesting little academic paper I came across the other day:  Gnome populations and economic prosperity   By Norma Leigh Lucid and Gene Poole   Abstract Poverty levels in South East Asia have been associated with a low prevalence of garden ornaments in general - and of garden gnomes in particular.  It is notable that the two most successful economies in Europe are Germany and France. In both these countries, rapid economic growth followed the introduction of garden gnomes at the end of the Second World War.  Today, the garden gnome population in Germany surpasses 25 million and in France there are at least 15 million gnomes.  In contrast, countries where gnome populations are low tend to have low levels of prosperity as well as political instability. We do not believe this is a coincidence and argue that economic prosperity and gnome populations are very closely linked.  From a trade perspective, we also argue that Indone...

Apart from family birthdays, religious holidays and the like, probably the most important date engraved on the Indonesian psyche is 17 August, or Independence Day. It was all those years ago, in 1945, when a still youthful looking Sukarno proclaimed Indonesian independence with Mohammad Hatta beside him in the leafy central Jakarta district of Menteng. Saudara-saudara: Bersama ini kami menyatakan solidaritas penentuan itu. Dengarkan Proklamasi kami : Proklamasi Kami bangsa Indonesia dengan ini menjatakan kemerdekaan Indonesia. Hal2 jang mengenai pemindahan kekoeasaan d.l.l., diselenggarakan dengan tjara seksama dan dalam tempoh jang sesingkat-singkatnja. Djakarta, 17 - 8 - '05 Wakil2 bangsa Indonesia. That was over 50 years of course, but if you feel like reliving a vital moment in Indonesia’s modern history, head over to Jalan Proklamasi in Menteng , and you will find a nice little monument at the site where Sukarno proclaimed Indonesia’s independence all those yea...

Located in the vicinity of the busy shopping district of Blok M are a motley collection of small bars, nightclubs and discothèques that are well frequented by Jakarta’s whoremongering expat community. They can be found on the infamous Pelatehan Road, which some wisecracks call Fellatio Road (would you know how to pronounce it?), just behind the huge bus terminal. If truth be told, this area is really a bit of a shit hole. Rubbish and broken glass litter the streets that are roamed by destitute beggars, shoe-shine kids, greasy pimps, roving minstrels and not the occasional preman (Jakarta street thug). Little street scenes take place sporadically, and you may get to see a fistfight, a hooker arguing loudly with her customer, and, if you are really unlucky, a drunk throwing up on the sidewalk. If it’s ladies you are looking for, the best bar of the bunch is probably D's Place, a stylish little meat market which has proved so popular with the local girls that one foreign visitor...

You are young and life is long and there is time to kill today. And then one day you find ten years have got behind you. No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun…   I’m reading Indonesia’s most popular daily rag, Kompas, and notice, there at the bottom left of the page, a little ad: Pink Floyd at @ Kempinski Grand Ballroom, Hotel Indonesia Kempinski, Jakarta, Indonesia (28 & 29 August 2010) Wa-hey! No f***ing shit man! Floyd are coming to town!!! Well, just for a moment I thought they were. But they’re not of course – it’s the British tribute band, the Spirit of Pink Floyd, who are. Can’t say I’ve ever heard of ‘em before, but they’ve got some good reviews on the net with one critic saying:  ... The Spirit of Pink Floyd is a superb nine-piece band and they hit the groove from the first number, clearly driven by a love of the music they are recreating. All the hits were in the set, and the grand finale of Brick in the Wall saw 15 kids from York’s Stage...

Singapore is an enigma to me. Super efficient and ultra-modern yet increasingly devoid of character. New buildings go up year after year, ever more impressive, like the monumental Marina Bay Sands development, an ultramodern hotel/shopping center with a truly remarkable infinity swimming pool perched on the platform at the top, offering far reaching views of the city . A one-night stay will cost you at least 400 bucks and you’ll need to reach deep in your pockets if you want to eat and enjoy yourself. For those without the bucks we can only look on…

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. ~Mark Twain The concept of heaven is a strange one. Who was the first person to get waved through the pearly gates? How many people have been admitted so far, and can you (if you so wish) meet your ancestors and idols like Jimmy Hendrix, JFK or Julius Caesar? What age are the people in heaven? Are they as old as they were when they died - and do people actually age in heaven? Are there animals there? What type? Etc etc. And how pleasurable is heaven anyway? Apparently, virgins may be on offer for the select and pious few, although many of us may not be eligible to partake in such divine pleasures. For some, the problem is that heaven remains too distant, out of reach. What they want is something here and now, and so they try to create heaven on ol’ planet earth. This has been attempted in the Big Durian and the result is D’Heaven Hotel and Spa, a tidy little establishment tucked away in the affluent Jakarta suburb of Kelapa Gad...

Where is the center of the world? And does it really matter? Well, many years ago, when nations were insular and proud - it DID matter. There must be a center point where time begins – even though the Earth is a globe – and London was chosen and Greenwich Mean Time came into being. The Big Ben clock in London is symbolic of London’s place at the “center” of the globe, where time is set at 0 - and the reference point for relative times in other cities across the globe. Buenos Aires is -3GMT, Athens +2GMT and Bangkok +7GMT. But Big Ben is not big any longer and is now superseded by an enormous clock that has just been constructed in Islam’s most holy city – Mecca. Big Ben stands 96 meters high and its clock is 7 meters in diameter. But the Abraj Al-Bait Mecca clock, by comparison, stands over 600 metres high and its clock – which has four faces – is 46 metres in diameter!!! The “Mecca” clock really is a “mega” clock It is illuminated by two million LED lights along with large Arabic scri...

All bright-eyed and bushy-tailed – er-hum – the simply divine Natalie Foxy is now on the prowl for a suitable husband. “I’m already bored of dating. I want to get married soon.” “And yes I’m still single, but I really don’t want to mess around (anymore?)”, she told a local reporter on Sunday. So, you’re interested, are you? But you’d better watch out. We’ve heard she has a really vicious bite…   Natalie Foxy can drink a bit too! Taking a rest, this fox is easily identifiable by its markings on both arm and leg.

Indonesia is some way behind more enlightened countries when it comes to the prickly problem of whether or not to recognize “gay marriage”. And that’s not gonna change anytime soon. So any sort of film that brings taboo issues like this out into the open needs to be commended – and especially if it features the talents of Indonesian starlets like Aurelie Moeremans and Rebecca Reijman . And this film doesn’t just go beyond the realms of plausibility, but turns reality onto its head, creating a sort of absurd parody of the Big Durian. Take Elmo for example. He’s the kid of an absurdly rich corrupter. So what does he decide to do? Well, leave his parent’s luxury home and live on the streets. Yeah, right! And then there’s Aprilia (Aurelie Moeremans). She is, well, beautiful. And the daughter of a maid who’s been adopted by Baskara (Ahmad Albar), a wealthy gay. So she falls in love with Elmo, who being a street dude is obviously a big catch for the ladies as he also hooks up with the hot a...

Gili Trawangan was one of the first places I visited on a trip to the Indonesian archipelago nearly 20 years ago. At that time, there was thankfully only a bamboo culture on the island and most of the accommodations would serve you three, very basic rice meals a day (that was fine for lunch and dinner but not so great for breakfast – I like my cornflakes and eggs!). There was no air-con, no fancy swimming pools, and the shower water that came out in a trickle was as salty as the seawater (perhaps because it was seawater?) But the island still had those special ingredients that made it a true tropical paradise: crystal-clear seas, fine golden sands; and a vibe so mellow it made it easy to forget all the bullshit going on in the “real world” outside. But that’s all changed. Well, perhaps not all changed. Because the sand is still fine and golden. But apart from that, pretty much everything else has changed - and wonderful old Gili Trawangan has been transformed into a sort of island ve...

If you can’t make fresh crap then recycle the old turds. A tried and tested approach in filmmaking and the formula adopted by Mitra Pictures in the creation of their latest horror masterpiece. Right down to the film poster: The film poster for “Nakalnya anak muda” The film poster for “Air Terjun Pengantin” Yep, no prizes for originality here. And although the film is suggestively titled Nakalnya Anak Muda (How Naughty Young People Are), it lacks the sorts of erotic scenes that made Last Tango in Paris and Quiet Days in Clichy, such great films. The immeasurable talent of Ratu Felisha and Uli Auliani tragically unrealized in the same way that England’s Italian coach Fabio Capello failed to get anything out of Wayne Rooney during the 2010 World Cup. What a waste! Starring Ratu Felisha Uli Auliani (who was also in Akibat Pergaulan Bebas , of course) Fero Walandouw Billy Ade Sumirat Rozie Mahally Rommy Ravalzy