In Singapore they have Singlish; a highly bastardised form of English popular among the proletariat but a source of long-term embarrassment for the Britisher-than-British Singapore govt.

But not far across the increasingly effluent-filled Java Sea, here in Indonesia, we have something much, much, better.

Bollockish.

But while Singlish generally makes sense to those who understand the language, Bollockish is different. Nope, this is not the language of communication but, rather of discommunication; that is the deliberate attempt to make yourself as clear as a Dutchman on psilocybin mushrooms.

An eloquent speaker of this rapidly growing language is Qory Sandioriva, the Indonesian contestant at this year’s Miss Universe contest, who, when asked what was the best advice she could give to a man, replied:

"I think when you down the women can make you up, and I think the women can be said that "I have advice for you" if you way up, you have to be nice with people, include women, so when you down, women can be nice with you.”

Quite.

Going down? On a woman? What a devil she is!!!

But while Singlish is strictly used in only informal communications, Bollockish is different. You really can find it everywhere.

It’s used in tourism:



And in the construction business:



At much-loved City Hall: The cultural guarantee (of Jakarta) could personally take the form of the object made by humankind, did not move or move that took the form of unity or the group, or a part-a part or the remnants the rest of them, that be aged at least 500 years.

And even as I noticed on Sunday at a well-known Chinese-run hospital in Jakarta’s suburbs:



NB: Are Indonesians really that bad at English? Well, there’s one interesting report recently published (right click, save as) and it shows the average TOEFL test scores for 2009 globally. Indonesia scores a fairly poor 79, which is still way behind many other countries in Asia. No good lah!!!! Time for improvement!!!

Where better to watch the new Indonesian film, Obama, Anak Menteng (Obama, the Menteng Kid), than in Menteng itself?

But not in one of those boring modern cinema complexes that you find in shopping malls - and which have about as much character as a Big Mac – but in probably Jakarta’s only historic cinema still standing, the wonderfully nostalgic Bioskop Megaria, originally named Bioscoop Metropool when it was built back in 1932.

The film paints a romantic picture of “Our Barry” as a young kid in 1960s Indonesia, munching on chicken sate rather than K.F. Crap, and just generally coming to terms with life in the capital city (don’t we know about that!).

This was a highly chaotic period in Indonesia’s history – but you’d hardly know it from the film.

Obama’s acceptance in his peer group of school friends ironically comes with him engaging in fisticuffs and defeating the school bully (somewhat politically incorrect and I hope it isn’t one of Obama’s life lessons else the US may be in Afghanistan for a long time yet!)

It’s all pretty much easily-digestible mush and the film steers away from any potentially contentious issues. The big R question (religion) is neatly avoided and the scene of Obama reciting from the Koran didn’t make it into the final cut (“He was just imitating other kids when they were praying," said Mr Dematra. "But we cut it anyway”.)

When things get tricky like this, Indonesian filmmakers do what they always do: they chuck in a transvestite; in this case, a transvestite housemaid named Turdi (unfortunate choice of name, methinks) who, one hopes, didn’t spend too much time in teaching a young Obama about the more sensual aspects of life in Jakarta (nothing like that was implied in the film you understand!).

So does the film provide any insights as to Obama’s religious persuasions? Well, no. And that’s surprising really, as you’d have thought that the researchers would have been able to find out if Obama went, say, to a church on a regular basis in Jakarta, and if so, which one.

Yet nothing.

But in the US, the obsession with Obama’s religion goes on and a recent poll concludes that about 20 percent of Americans believe Obama to be Muslim!

Now a lot of people on the left suggest this is just the opinion of the rabid right but, actually, this is one case when the right are probably “right” (at least partially).

Because most Mulsims believe Obama is Muslim too. At least Obama definitely was a Muslim at birth considering his father was a Muslim:

So when Obama says he's not Muslim, my umma mentality says I know better. Once you have a Muslim parent, especially a dad, you're in. Whether you like it or not, Muslims all over the world see you as one of them.

But so what? And it’s totally understandable given Obama’s background of living for a lengthy period of time in Jakarta.

Hell, I know quite a few Jakarta expats, who, depending on the circumstances, have been able to convince themselves that they are a Muslim, Christian, Buddhist and atheist – all within the space of just ONE week.

Although probably not a transvestite!!!

Jakarta just does things to you like that. It really does…

Are Indonesians happy?



Well, that looks like a big yes. But hold on a sec – a poll has just been conducted by the US market researcher Gallop to see just how happy the citizens of different nations really are. And here is a summary of the results - which I have tabulated according to the percentage of people who are “thriving” (as opposed to “struggling”).

Rank, Country, %Thriving, %Struggling, %Suffering
1 Denmark 82 17 1
2 Finland 75 23 2
3 Norway 69 31 0
4 Sweden 68 30 2
4 Netherlands 68 32 1
6 Costa Rica 63 35 2
6 New Zealand 63 35 2
8 Canada 62 36 2
8 Israel 62 35 3
8 Australia 62 35 3
8 Switzerland 62 36 2
12 Panama 58 39 3
12 Brazil 58 40 2
14 United States 57 40 3
14 Austria 57 40 3
16 Belgium 56 41 3
17 United Kingdom 54 44 2
18 Mexico 52 43 5
18 Turkmenistan 52 47 1
20 United Arab Emirates 51 48 1
85 Indonesia 18 72 10
94 Malaysia 15 80 5
155 Togo 1 67 31

Data: Gallup World Poll

So the Danes are ranked in first place as the world’s happiest people.

Well good for them.

According to Gallop, the poll shows that money does NOT make for happiness.

But I’m not so sure on that. Sure the world’s richest country, the US, is not ranked first, but it’s also a safe bet to say that poverty certainly does not bring happiness either – none of the 10 “happiest” countries are poor (although Costa Rica, which is ranked sixth, only has a GDP per capita of around US$11,240, the country is still far from poor).

What’s good to see, though, is the strong streak of liberalism and secularism in the top ranked countries. In contrast, Saudi, for all its oil wealth and piety, is nowhere to be seen - and there is no place in the top ten for either Europe’s most religious countries (like Italy, Germany, Spain etc), or the “Great Satan” across the Atlantic.

Indonesia’s ranking of 85th is pretty bad and a whopping 72% of Indonesians polled said they were “struggling”.

I know it’s hard to believe, but that’s what the survey says.

But that’s no reason to get sad.

Just keep on smiling!

Here’s the abstract of an interesting little academic paper I came across the other day:

Gnome populations and economic prosperity
By Norma Leigh Lucid and Gene Poole

Abstract

Poverty levels in South East Asia have been associated with a low prevalence of garden ornaments in general - and of garden gnomes in particular. It is notable that the two most successful economies in Europe are Germany and France. In both these countries, rapid economic growth followed the introduction of garden gnomes at the end of the Second World War. Today, the garden gnome population in Germany surpasses 25 million and in France there are at least 15 million gnomes. In contrast, countries where gnome populations are low tend to have low levels of prosperity as well as political instability.

We do not believe this is a coincidence and argue that economic prosperity and gnome populations are very closely linked. From a trade perspective, we also argue that Indonesia needs to focus its exports on other types of garden ornaments (besides gnomes), since this is where the country benefits from significant competitive advantages.

Although some recommendations made in this paper have already been put into action, the signs are mixed. Not one single garden gnome has been spotted in Jakarta and there is resistance in Bali to garden gnomes because the locals there prefer traditional carved deities like Ganesha and Dewi Sri instead. And elsewhere across the archipelago, gnome sightings are still very rare.

Yet, encouragingly, exports of garden ornaments are gaining traction and giant Indonesian stone willies are now selling very well in some parts of Europe (orders to the UK have alone have already surpassed the 150 level).



A couple of British cops get to grips with things

Source: Digital Journal

Hell. The stuff people put in their gardens.

Or, as I noticed yesterday in Jakarta, on the tops of their houses as well!

...no gnomes in Jakarta

You are young and life is long
and there is time to kill today.
And then one day you find ten years have got behind you.
No one told you when to run,
you missed the starting gun…

I’m reading Indonesia’s most popular daily rag, Kompas, and notice, there at the bottom left of the page, a little ad:

Pink Floyd at @ Kempinski Grand Ballroom, Hotel Indonesia Kempinski, Jakarta, Indonesia (28 & 29 August 2010)

Wa-hey! No f***ing shit man!

Floyd are coming to town!!!

Well, just for a moment I thought they were. But they’re not of course – it’s the British tribute band, the Spirit of Pink Floyd, who are.




Can’t say I’ve ever heard of ‘em before, but they’ve got some good reviews on the net with one critic saying:

... The Spirit of Pink Floyd is a superb nine-piece band and they hit the groove from the first number, clearly driven by a love of the music they are recreating.

All the hits were in the set, and the grand finale of Brick in the Wall saw 15 kids from York’s Stagecoach Theatre Company make their entrance to brat out the chorus of “we don’t need no thought control,” a lyric that sits in contrast to the constant video images projected onto the stage that oozed the essence of the original material and encouraged us to constantly think Pink.

Hell, I’m up for this. Normally the foreign acts that come to Jakarta stink but this gives me hope – especially after Slash’s recent concert. And Placebo’s. Whatever next? Radiohead, the Pumpkins, or the Flaming Lips? Well, perhaps not…

Floyd, of course, are that most quintessential of British rock bands – a bunch of middle-class university graduates with liberal-leftist leanings who came up with some of the most pompously profound rock tunes ever recorded - but also inflicted upon us some pretty morbid mush as well (I could have sworn I heard Comfortably Numb being piped into the old people’s ward at Kemang Hospital a while back – some dude’s idea of a “sick” joke, perhaps? Hahaha!)

In 1985, the ultra-cynical Roger Waters declared Floyd "a spent force", but, while he was probably right, there are nonetheless plenty of gems from the past to revisit – The Dark Side of the Moon (an allusion to lunacy, rather than astronomy), of course, as well as the hypnotic Wish You Were Here album.

Waters, incidentally, went into exile during the rule of ex British PM Tony Bliar.

But Waters wasn’t protesting the invasion of Iraq or even Labor’s deplorable plans to bring in ID cards. Oh no – what ironically irked the ire of old Roger was Labour’s move to ban the toffs’ cruel sport of fox hunting!

I've become disenchanted with the political and philosophical atmosphere in England. The anti-hunting bill was enough for me to leave England. I did what I could, I did a concert and one or two articles, but it made me feel ashamed to be English. I was in Hyde Park for both the Countryside Alliance marches. There were hundreds of thousands of us there. Good, honest English people. That's one of the most divisive pieces of legislation we've ever had in Great Britain.

For tickets for the upcoming Jakarta concert, I first tried to call Kempinski - and they haven’t a clue. They told me to call Grand Indonesia and – guess what – they haven’t a clue either. Finally I discovered you can get tickets via ticket agency rajakarcis.

Platinum: Rp. 1.000.000 (Seat Number)
Gold: Rp. 600.000
Silver: Rp. 300.000

You can call rajakarcis (021-828 2137)and they’ll bring the tickets to your office/home. Such convenience is much appreciated in this mad cap city – Good job lads!

Syd’s a bit perplexed. I wonder would he would have made of Jakarta?

Gili Trawangan was one of the first places I visited on a trip to the Indonesian archipelago nearly 20 years ago.

At that time, there was thankfully only a bamboo culture on the island and most of the accommodations would serve you three, very basic rice meals a day (that was fine for lunch and dinner but not so great for breakfast – I like my cornflakes and eggs!).

There was no air-con, no fancy swimming pools, and the shower water that came out in a trickle was as salty as the seawater (perhaps because it was seawater?)

But the island still had those special ingredients that made it a true tropical paradise: crystal-clear seas, fine golden sands; and a vibe so mellow it made it easy to forget all the bullshit going on in the “real world” outside.

But that’s all changed.

Well, perhaps not all changed. Because the sand is still fine and golden. But apart from that, pretty much everything else has changed - and wonderful old Gili Trawangan has been transformed into a sort of island version of Kuta – paradise island for the pikeys.

No longer is the main stretch of beach peaceful and quiet – it’s now covered in bloody deckchairs and tables! Arrrggg!! My wife (Indonesian) was aghast. Have we really come all this way just to see a beach that looks a lot like a busy traditional market in Jakarta? WTF!

And quiet? Did I say quiet? Hahaha! Well, it would be if it wasn’t for the booming sound systems competing against each other on the beach. And whilst I have nothing against people wanting to enjoy a beer, the last thing I want to see on the beach is discarded Beer Bintang bottles thank you very much.


Gili Trawangan: before the deckchairs moved in

The road to destruction pretty much began when high powered speedboats started to take tourists directly across to Gili Trawangan from busy tourist locations in Bali (Kuta, Sanur etc) a few years back. The trip by speedboat only takes an hour and a half, and as the trip has been heavily promoted there are plenty of takers. Now loads of speedboats do the trip and prices have fallen considerably too, adding to the demand.

This compares to a grueling day trip in the old days when you had to do it the hard way and go across from Bali to Lombok in a rusty old ferry (or fly).

So no wonder the number of tourists visiting the Gili islands has increased exponentially in the last few years!

You may well say that’s the modern tourism industry for you. And you’d be right. Because tourists can choose where they go. I don’t have to go back to Gili Trawangan – and I won’t. And I’m sure many others won’t either.

But what is really unforgivable is the entire destruction of Gili Trawangan’s once pristine reef.


This has happened because there has been no control of the “house” boats that pretty much put down anchor the entire length of this part of the island as they bring tourists in, take them out, and deliver supplies like food and water.

You could ask why these boats don’t anchor at the island’s specially built pier further up the island, but nobody on Gili Trawangan has. Nope, cos that would make it more difficult for the tourists. And because the tourists have the cash, it wouldn’t be in the “interests” of the island’s mass market tourism business, would it? So no such policy exists and the result is the entire destruction of a once very fine reef. Sad. So very, very sad.

Anyway, it’s no fun swimming or snorkeling here anymore. The boat traffic is almost as bad as Jakarta’s road traffic (that’s saying something!), and if you don’t pay attention to what’s going on around you every five minutes or so, you run the risk of having a very nasty collision with one of the boats.

Nope Gili Trawangan ain’t what it once was.

Hell, I’m gonna miss those salty showers!