How to tell a good bule husband from a bad one

The good bule husband

· Agrees to transfer his entire salary into your bank account. Cos that’s what Indonesian husbands do.

· Is willing to discuss current affairs, i.e. the latest Indonesian celeb gossib, and is prepared to let you watch your favorite American soap even though there is a vital premiership football match he wants to watch on another channel.

· Is fashion literate and understands why it is absolutely necessary to buy you original Levis jeans for Rp880,000 a pair rather than imitations which are exactly the same but cost only a mere Rp150,000.

· Doesn’t flirt with the two new maids from Indramayu.


Double trouble: be careful of the maids you employ or you might regret it

· Doesn’t freak out when your mother and a bunch of other “close” relatives including some third-removed cousin all turn up uninvited at the same time and then agrees that they can all stay “as long as they want” (with some of them even setting up camp in your bedroom).

· Is spiritually minded and agrees with you that Charles Darwin was a misguided freak and complete fool cos the world is only 20,000 years old whatever the scientists might say.

· Understands that the Rp50,000 note left on the table had simply been taken by a child spirit called a “Tuyl” as it would be preposterous to accuse the f###ng #### of taking the money.

· Thinks that Sampoerna A “mild” cigs are a good, healthy choice for a modern and sophisticated woman like yourself.

· Is open-minded. Allows you to flirt a bit at nightclubs, parties or wherever, but if he so much lays a hand on another attractive woman then he’d better watch the f### out.

· Agrees with you that Iphones are a “disposal” fashion item and need to be replaced at least once a year.

The bad bule husband

· Prefers the malls in Glodok to the much more luxurious Plaza Senayan.

· Thinks it’s a good idea to save electricity by turning off the lights once you leave a room.

· Still doesn’t get the difference between PMT, MT and post-MT. Implies there isn’t much to choose between them. Indonesian women suffer badly from this condition you understand.

· Is exceptionally cruel and vicious to children (he tells them to be quiet at the dinner table and to do things by “themselves” for Heaven’s sake).

· You overhear him saying to his mates that he loves that second-rate “actress” called Chelsea Olivia, and he still has the nerve to lie to you and say that he is talking about some London football club. Swine.

· Gets angry when you turn down the offer of sex in preference for the utter agony of having your lovely back lacerated with an old Rp100 coin because you have “masuk angin”.

· Complains about that “shitty smell of Petai” emanating from the kitchen even though he eats filthy-old mould-ridden cheese that smells worse than his God-damn bule feet (yucks!)

· Takes a bath only twice a week! Filthy pig!

· Occasionally complains that his body “aches” and that he needs to go out and get a massage. Hmmm….