When you are a visitor in another country it is vital to behave in an appropriate manner. This is especially so in Indonesia, where restraint and moderation are key. Don’t bang on the restaurant table while screeching for service. And if you are the “outgoing type” try and hold back. Loudly exclaiming: “Long time no see, mate!” and slapping the unfortunate Indonesian on his back will not be appreciated at all. Even so, manners differ from person to person, and this makes it difficult to come up with a definitive list of etiquette or faux pas. Even so, I’ve given it a go.

Here’s my list:

- NEVER talk about corruption. This is particularly important if you are speaking to a ##### official who, for example, is telling you about his recent skiing holiday in the Alps.

- Religion is NOT taboo here, so expect to be asked what faith you are. Never say you are an atheist. They are Godless philistines and were wiped out in the 60s. Also avoid the other “A” word: Ahmadiah.

- Annoying habits such as using two coins to remove facial hair ARE acceptable in certain settings - but try not to yawn (more on this later).

- Punctuality. To be avoided. At ALL costs.

- Pay heed to your body language:

Don't sit like this at business meetings, for example.

- Also avoid negative postures – such as putting your hands on your hips. Far better to show Indonesians that you are of a caring and considerate demeanor – just don’t overdo it, okay?

Be friendly; but not too friendly...

- In terms of gestures, the w###er gesture and F You forearm jerk are virtually unknown. However, the straightforward F You gesture is very common – albeit usually with the middle finder rather than the index finger being used.

- Be discrete when coughing or yawning. These are necessary physical functions. However, when done with a wide-open mouth, besides being unattractive and distracting, they are also unhealthy. Germs can be easily transmitted from one person to another. Feel free, however, to light up a fag and blow the smoke into someone’s face.

- Be tactful with rude people. You may have a bad day but you MUSTN’T show your feelings. Remain patient and courteous. Take a deep breath and count slowly to 10 – that should help. And don’t worry – you can always get the blighter back later.

- Telephone etiquette:
A) Never answer the phone promptly, and especially not before the eighth ring.
B) Upon answering the phone with “hello”, they will respond “hello”, and it will proceed in that fashion for some time.
C) If you are going to have a meeting, make sure to arrange for people to telephone you while it is in progress. Just remember: the person calling you is FAR more important than the person sitting in front of you.

- Don’t dress like a peasant or Indonesians will hold you in very low regard indeed. They don’t want to know that Western tosh about showing solidarity to the poor.

- Dress conservatively? Nah – time has moved on. Feel free to display your bodily charms and you’ll get a lot of attention!


- Don’t use sarcasm – oo-er…

Basoeki Abdullah is one of Indonesia’s greatest painters. Known for his realistic and natural style, Basoeki had a colourful personal life, marrying four times; his first wife being a Dutch lady. He died in November 1993 when he was murdered by thieves who broke into his house.

His wonderful painting you can see here (A Nude) is subject to a bizarre mystery that only Indonesia could conjure up. Owned by the Government of Indonesia, the painting was originally kept in the National Museum in Jakarta. But it then went “missing” without anyone realizing it (don’t ask how). Somehow the thieves managed to get the painting to Singapore (again don’t ask how) and it was then put up for auction by Christie's Singapore along with another 160 South-east Asian works worth a total of about $3.4 million!

But there was one thing that the thieves hadn’t counted on – and that was that the secretary of the late Basoeki discovered the theft of the painting after she coincidently saw it printed in Christie's catalogue for the Singapore sale from her home in Jakarta!

The cops were duly called in and Christie's withdrew the painting from the auction. But as for where it is now, well, my lips are well and truly sealed…

It’s good to see that Indonesia isn’t always behind the times.

I say that cos new tv ads in Brazil are now calling on that county’s citizens to pee in the shower as a way of conserving water – something which is already pretty normal behavior in Indonesia I reckon.

I first became aware of this habit a few years back after the rancid smell of piss struck me down after an early hours visit to the restroom. Needless to say, I confronted the culprit the next day and she fully admitted her guilt: yes, she had pissed on the floor – and being too groggy to cover up her sins by washing the piss away with tap water had been found out! Gotcha!!!!

All pretty bizarre really. Cos the typical Indonesian toilet is just a simple affair, made inevitably by Toto (I wonder if they export these things?), so there isn’t really any need to pee on the floor anyway – unless of course you have a Western loo which obviously uses a hell of lot more water to flush it.

So please. If you do want to piss on the floor, adopt the following decorum. You don’t want to be rude, do you?

1) Believe it or not, the Indonesian bathroom is not level. It is actually built on a slight slope so that the water drains away. If you piss on the floor, piss as close to the water exit hole as possible.

2) When taking a leak, simultaneously poor water from the gayung (water dipper). The water not only masks the smell of the pee but it also limits the time your wee is in contact with the bathroom floor tiles. The idea is that it is whisked away down the drain almost instantly, thus minimizing breaches of basic hygiene and allowing maintenance of the pretence that you have not just pissed on the floor.


3) Never piss on the floor in the bathroom in your friend’s house – that’s simply not polite.

4) Like all things in life – religion, politics, sex etc – don’t take things to extremes. Pissing on the floor is just about acceptable. But never climb into the bak mandi to “have a bath” or – God forbid - poo in the sink!!!!!!!!!!!!

On the island of the Gods, paradise remains elusive for Schapelle Corby: so tantalizing close but always just out of reach. They build the prison walls high in Bali.

Yep: on the outside are the reasons why she fell in love with Bali in the first place (why we all fall in love with Bali) – the terraced rice fields, the sandy beaches and the enigmatic Balinese culture – and yet now, here on the inside, she has to endure the reality of being a prisoner in a third world jail. And it’s not nice. Not very nice at all.

So no wonder the poor lass has gone mad:

Associate Professor Jonathan Phillips visited Corby in prison earlier this month and says the former beauty student is "hanging on by a thread".

Dr Phillips, former president of the Royal Australian and New Zealand College of Psychiatrists, says the 32-year-old will continue to deteriorate unless she is moved.

"She is now helpless, hopeless, feels useless, she feels alienated, she feels removed from the rest of humanity," Dr Phillips told the Seven Network.

"By any normal definition of insane, Schapelle is sadly in that category.

But I don’t find this surprising. After all, who in their right mind could hack having to spend 20 years in a Balinese prison? Hell, looking back on it, I bet she wishes she had smuggled drugs to a place like Siberia. At least then she wouldn’t have to face the cruel irony of being locked up in an unforgiving hellhole with paradise looking down on her from all sides.

But is there still hope? Well, possibly. Just possibly there is…

The Malaysians have been a little bit sneaky: they included the Balinese dance Tari Pendit in their 2009 Visit Malaysia advertisement, presumably hoping that we wouldn’t notice. But we have!

And this isn’t the first time the Malaysians have tried this trick of course.

Other Indonesian treasures claimed by the Malaysians in the past include angklung (a bamboo musical instrument), Reog Ponorogo (a dance from East Java), the spicy beef from Sumatra called rendang and, perhaps most blatant of all, the Indonesian traditional cloth Batik!

Malaysia, Truly Asia?

Or Truly Bali?!!!!!!!


Bali Dancer

The terrorists may have saved Man U from a humiliating defeat at the hands of an Indonesian All Star (sic) team but they haven’t dampened Indonesians’ enthusiasm for English footy.

Nope not at all - and a couple of games will still be broadcast every Saturday night on TVONE (however, don’t expect to see either Man U or Chelski on too often although Wigan Athletic and Burnley might be featured quite regularly).

But who should Indonesians support?

Well, surely a club with Indonesian connections, right?

But is there one?

Well, are there any premiership clubs with Indonesian players?

No.

Or premiership clubs owned by Indonesian tycoons?

No.

However, there is one English premiership club which is sponsored by an Indonesian:

Tottenham Hotspur!


Yep, the sponsors being Mansion of course - no relation to the Mansion House Meths drink one hopes – but rather an online gambling venture owned by Putra Sampoerna, a wily old businessman who sold his cigarette company to the Yanks for a whopping 5 billion US dollars back in 2006.

Cigs and gaming; Sampoerna knows what people want

I was always very skeptical about the Mansion venture, but I have to say Mansion seems to be doing pretty well now that it’s moved into online “hardcore” gambling i.e. poker (judging by their Alexa ranking of 23,267).

Quite why gamblers trust these internet gambling sites is beyond me – I mean how do they know the odds aren’t being unfairly stacked against them from the start?

And as for Spurs, well they had a great first game in the new season beating Liverpool 2-1 on Saturday.

100-1 to lift the title?

Not a bad bet in my opinion!!!

Miss Bali, Yoke Paramita Djati Walujo, has come out on top (sorry!) in the Bikini Contest for the “Miss Tourism Queen of 2009” held in Xinyang, China.



Now that’s all very well and congrats to her, but why did she compete as Miss Bali and not as Miss Indonesia?

I mean there are still people out there who actually believe that Bali is a country in its own right rather than part of Indonesia.

So, if the Miss Tourism Queen – who is usually associated with a specific country – is called Miss Bali, then won’t this only serve to perpetuate this wrongly held belief?

Whilst moving at snail’s pace through the mad cacophony that is Tanah Abang at the weekend, I look over to the side of the road and what do I see?

Another one of those shabby little roadside dentists!

And bloody hell – just look at that sign:

Must-a-jab. Yeah right. I bet that’s a jab ya won’t forget in a hurry!

These sorts of places are generally found in the less - uh-erm - affluent parts of the city (meaning 99% of it) and although I first noticed them years back, the idea of actually stepping into one of these places was the last thing on my mind I can tell you!

But what the heck I tell myself - the traffic’s more clogged up than the drainage pipes in a Chinese takeaway - and the curiosity has got the better of me, so I want to know what it’s like inside. So I jump of me bike, look round a couple of times, and then give the front door a firm push. It nearly falls off its hinges. I walk in.

Inside, there’s an old bloke smoking. He looks at me incredulously, stubs out the Djarum Black on the table (wtf), and then smiling, reveals a set of the crookedest (is that a word?) and dirtiest teeth I’ve seen in a long, long while …

Argggggggggggg!!!!!!!!

So what’s inside a typical streetside dentist? Well…

1. Registration desk – Wonky of course, one leg propped up by a paper wedge. This is where you fill in your pertinent personal particulars for the dentist such as your religion, dividend income and your mother’s maiden name.

2. General Examination Room/ Orthodontist Room – tiny little room which smells of nasty medical things. This is where you have an in-depth consultation to decide what can be done in order to make your teeth nicer - and offered a cigarette at the same time.

3. The Scanning Room, complete with a state-of-the art US$100,000 scanning machine from the US. Or I could be exaggerating - yeah maybe it was just some cheapo-crap digital camera after all.

4. The Operation Room. I noticed the pliers, the bleach (wtf!) and the roll of what looked like barbed wire. And then I started to get that gut-wrenching nauseous feeling you get after getting through a six-pack of Carlsberg Special Brew, so I got the hell out of the place as quick as I possibly could!

When i get older losing my hair,
Many years from now.
Will you still be sending me a valentine
Birthday greetings bottle of wine.
If i'd been out till quarter to three
Would you lock the door,
Will you still need me, will you still feed me,
When i'm sixty-four.
You'll be older too,
And it you say the word,
I could stay with you.
I could be handy, mending a fuse
When your lights have gone.
You can knit a sweater by the fireside
Sunday mornings go for a ride,
Doing the garden, digging the weeds,
Who could ask for more.
Will you still need me, will you still feed me,
When i'm sixty-four.
Every summer we can rent a cottage,
In the isle of wight, if it's not too dear
We shall scrimp and save
Grandchildren on your knee
Vera chuck & dave
Send me a postcard, drop me a line,
Stating point of view
Indicate precisely what you mean to say
Yours sincerely, wasting away
Give me your answer, fill in a form
Mine for evermore
Will you still need me, will you still feed me,
When i'm sixty-four.

> The Beatles

While other cities around the world have WIFI hotspots in abundance, they are VERY difficult to find in Jakarta. Just look at this table:

Hotspots Around The World

United States 10580
Germany 6311
United Kingdom 2952
Switzerland 2231
France 1182
Canada 827
Austria 785
Japan 783
Netherlands 715
Denmark 584
Mexico 509
Singapore 501
Indonesia 175

And as for FREE WIFI hotspots in Jakarta, they are rarer than a wombats wing nut.

But useful they are, so here is a list of the ones I have come across – if you know of any more please feel free to leave a comment!

- Cafe Excelso, Plaza Indonesia (registration required)

- California Pizza Kitchen, Plaza Indonesia (registration required)

- Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf, Plaza Indonesia (registration required)

- Dome, Plaza Indonesia (registration required)

-Lamonda Café, Plaza Indonesia (registration required)

- Lobby Hotel Nikko Jakarta (registration NOT required!!!)

- Mojo Cafe Mangga Dua, Mangga Dua Square, Jl. Gunung Sahari Raya No.1 (registration NOT required!!!)

- Plaza Semanggi (everywhere?!! - registration NOT required!!!)

- Raden (office building) Jl. Raden Saleh No. 53 (registration NOT required!!!)

Hell. No wonder Plaza Semanggi is so popular – it seems to be the only shopping mall in Jakarta which offers free WIFI to its visitors!

Daft reasoning is always infuriating, so I was shocked to read that the government plans to move 10 Komodo dragons to Bali from their natural habitat in order to “save them from extinction”.

(It has got nothing, of course, to do with the fact that the 10 Komodo dragons would be placed at the Bali Safari Park where guests are charged Rp85,000 for admission - or US$ 59 if they wise to tour the zoo on an elephant).

According to the minister for Tourism and Culture:

The forestry ministry was planning to have a Komodo dragon breeding ground in Bali because in their present habitat there was not enough food for them…

Adding that:

Tens of Komodo dragons used to live on an isle in Flores, East Nusa Tenggara, but now only 16 of them remained.

WTF!!!

I mean, how can we be saving the komodo dragons “from extinction” if we are simply moving them to a zoo instead of taking measures to preserve their natural habitat so they can actually survive in the wild?

The other bizarre aspect of the proposed move is that the natural habitat of Bali is completely different from that of Flores and the other small islands where the komodo dragons live. This was noted by Alfred Wallace, who came up with a boundary known as the Wallace Line, which runs between Bali and Lombok, showing that each island is its own zoogeographical region with different animals and plants.

Move the Komodo dragons to Bali?

We might as well send them packing to New York!

Note: Komodo dragons are the world’s largest lizard and can only be found on the islands of Komodo, Rinca, Flores, and Gili Motang in Indonesia. Their huge size owes to something scientists call island gigantism, a biological phenomenon where the size of animals isolated on an island increases dramatically over generations. I took the picture of the Komodo dragon below at the Taman Safari Zoo!

Indonesia is known for its harsh treatment of drug users, so I was very surprised to see this rather clever ploy to get the customers in on Friday nights.

A spiffing good night out to be had, I reckon!

Former British PM Tony Blair is in Bali with Cherie, their two kids, Cherie's mother Gale Booth, a couple of family friends and Mr Blair's security team.

That’s quite a mob. So where did they go first?

None other than the Taro Elephant safari park near Ubud!!!


Source: Daily Mail

When SBY gave his emotionally charged speech in response to the terrorist bombings of the Marriott and Ritz Carlton hotels he was roundly criticized for linking those bombings to the presidential elections. “They are out to get me” he proclaimed, lofting up a bunch of photographs showing that pictures of his face had been used by gun-totting terrorists in target practice up in Sulawesi.

“Has he lost the plot completely?” some conjectured. But like most speeches it was quickly forgotten. However, looking back on it now - and at two paragraphs in particular – and you really have to wonder why terrorists would so suddenly want to switch from Western targets to ostensibly a Muslim one (yes, the President is a Muslim) right before he is due to be inaugurated for his second presidential term.

Wouldn’t you?

The two paragraphs from SBY’s speech following the bombings:

I believe, as we have discovered before, that the perpetrators and the people who masterminded this terror will be apprehended and we will prosecute them under the law. I have instructed law enforcers to prosecute anyone involved. Whoever he or she is, from whatever political rank and background.

…this is an intelligence report, not rumors, nor gossip. Other statements said they wished to turn Indonesia into [a country like] Iran. And the last statement said that no matter what, SBY should not and would not be inaugurated. You can interpret such threats, and the tens of other intelligence reports that are currently in the hands of our law enforcers.

So congratulations on SBY for his prescient abilities.

I just wonder if he’d help me predict next week’s football results!

Yep. Back home the Scots like to clog up their arteries by pigging out on deep-fried mars bars. But over here things are different and the preferred dish is “fat drenched rice” or better known as nasi goring (fried rice).

Horses for courses if you ask me, but either way you are well on the road to a coronary before your 45th birthday. Selamat makan!

Another Indonesia WTF moment. And the Americans thought they did things big!

Back in 1980, when I was a little kid, the English punk rock band the Splodgenessabounds released the classic hit single “Two pints of lager and a packet of crisps please”.

And now in 2009, some 29 years on and feeling a little peckish with a Bintang in one hand, I head for the kitchen seeking something to munch on. And there nestled among the packets of Indonesian peanuts – some coated in a hard white substance resembling white Portland cement, but all sickly saccharine sweet (even the chili ones funnily enough) – there is a solitary packet of Lay’s crisps. I pick it up and this is what I see:


Salmon Terriyaki flavor!!

Just wtf is going on?!!!

Yeah. I can just imagine it now. This scene playing out in some London pub:

- Two pints of lager and a packet of Salmon Teriyaki crisps please, mate.
- HAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!

Cos crisps, or as incorrectly called by the Yanks potato chips, should only ever come in three flavors: plain, Cheese and Onion, and, of course, my favorite, Salt and Vinegar.

In fact, when I was a little kid I had a theory about crisps. And it was this: plain crisps are for the boring people, the OAPs & the pram pushing Mums; the Cheese and Onion crisps are for the plonkers; and the good and interesting people of this world choose Salt and Vinegar.

But with the advent of Salmon Teriyaki crisps where does my theory lie now?

Salt and vinegar crisps are a bastion of British good taste, of course, reminding us of what we should sprinkle on our fish and chips (yep – those are chips); so eye-wateringly sour that they sting our lips and, after eating ‘em, make Carlsberg Special Brew taste like plain old aqua. And even then we can’t get enough – licking the flavorings off our fingers when the packet of crisps is finished like junkies lapping up cocaine.

Well, now it’s time for me to drink that Bintang.

So thank God the crisps aren’t Salt and Vinegar!

Good to see XL giving the two-pointed fingers up to the terrorist loonies in this defiant piece of advertising:


But advertising in Indonesia is not always this sharp, and sometimes they come up with stuff that is so wide of the mark that the other team would get a throw-in rather than a goal kick. A good example of this being HM Sampoerna’s slogan for its recently launched super slim kretek cigarettes "Sampoerna Avolution":

Begin what Next

Er, you what? You what, you what you what?

Completely baffling even to native English speakers (including those with Philosophy and Linguistics degrees), I can’t imagine what Sampoerna thought the average Indonesian dude was going to make of it: that confusing consumers with indecipherable slogans is a good way to get them to buy the company’s cigarettes, perhaps?

Another really bizarre piece of advertising that I came upon recently was on an absolutely huge billboard in the Tanah Abang district of central Jakarta:


Nope – means nuffin to me - and I don’t think I’m the only one in Indonesia who isn’t freezing his butt off either!