Alterity | Jakarta and Bali

When you are a visitor in another country it is vital to behave in an appropriate manner. This is especially so in Indonesia, where restraint and moderation are key. Don’t bang on the restaurant table while screeching for service. And if you are the “outgoing type” try and hold back. Loudly exclaiming: “Long time no see, mate!” and slapping the unfortunate Indonesian on his back will not be appreciated at all. Even so, manners differ from person to person, and this makes it difficult to come up with a definitive list of etiquette or faux pas . Even so, I’ve given it a go. Here’s my list: - NEVER talk about corruption . This is particularly important if you are speaking to a ##### official who, for example, is telling you about his recent skiing holiday in the Alps. - Religion is NOT taboo here , so expect to be asked what faith you are. Never say you are an atheist. They are Godless philistines and were wiped out in the 60s. Also avoid the other “A” word: Ahmadiah. - Annoying h...

Basoeki Abdullah is one of Indonesia’s greatest painters. Known for his realistic and natural style, Basoeki had a colourful personal life, marrying four times; his first wife being a Dutch lady.  He died in November 1993 when he was murdered by thieves who broke into his house.  His wonderful painting you can see here (A Nude) is subject to a bizarre mystery that only Indonesia could conjure up.  Owned by the Government of Indonesia, the painting was originally kept in the National Museum in Jakarta. But it then went “missing” without anyone realizing it (don’t ask how). Somehow the thieves managed to get the painting to Singapore (again don’t ask how) and it was then put up for auction by Christie's Singapore along with another 160 South-east Asian works worth a total of about $3.4 million!  But there was one thing that the thieves hadn’t counted on – and that was that the secretary of the late Basoeki discovered the theft of the painting after she coincidently sa...

It’s good to see that Indonesia isn’t always behind the times. I say that cos new tv ads in Brazil are now calling on that county’s citizens to pee in the shower as a way of conserving water – something which is already pretty normal behavior in Indonesia I reckon.  I first became aware of this habit a few years back after the rancid smell of piss struck me down after an early hours visit to the restroom. Needless to say, I confronted the culprit the next day and she fully admitted her guilt: yes, she had pissed on the floor – and being too groggy to cover up her sins by washing the piss away with tap water had been found out!  Gotcha!!!!   All pretty bizarre really. Cos the typical Indonesian toilet is just a simple affair, made inevitably by Toto (I wonder if they export these things?), so there isn’t really any need to pee on the floor anyway – unless of course you have a Western loo which obviously uses a hell of lot more water to flush it.   So please. If ...

Colors have strange affects on the human psyche and we readily make associations based on colour. One of my favourite colours is purple: it’s fun and happy but not girlish like pink. For some reason that I can’t explain, purple is also associated with royalty. Interestingly, purple is very rarely found in nature and that explains its attraction to those who crave the exotic – as perfectly depicted in the these pictures: Exotic yes, but hardly royal: Britney Spears dons a purple bikini!

Imagine that you are an identical twin and that your twin brother – who looks exactly like you of course – is married. You then go over to your brother’s house to see your brother but he is not there as he has gone out. However, his hot wife – you can pretty much guess what I am going to say now – is there and she wrongly believes you to be her husband! It’s a beautiful day, the sun is shining and she’s in the mood. She starts to get frisky with you and you don’t reject her advances. Eventually you end up in the bedroom and the fireworks show takes place. The question now is this: Although what you did may have been morally wrong, is it a crime? And does it even count as rape/sexual assault? After all, she made all the moves, not you. Purely hypothetical, you say. Well wrong – because this pretty much happened to a 25-year-old woman from Connecticut who only realized she wasn’t making out with her husband when she discovered that “her husband” – who was actually his twin brother, Jared...

On the island of the Gods, paradise remains elusive for Schapelle Corby: so tantalizing close but always just out of reach. They build the prison walls high in Bali. Yep: on the outside are the reasons why she fell in love with Bali in the first place (why we all fall in love with Bali) – the terraced rice fields, the sandy beaches and the enigmatic Balinese culture – and yet now, here on the inside, she has to endure the reality of being a prisoner in a third world jail.  And it’s not nice. Not very nice at all. So no wonder the poor lass has gone mad:  Associate Professor Jonathan Phillips visited Corby in prison earlier this month and says the former beauty student is "hanging on by a thread". Dr Phillips, former president of the Royal Australian and New Zealand College of Psychiatrists, says the 32-year-old will continue to deteriorate unless she is moved.  "She is now helpless, hopeless, feels useless, she feels alienated, she feels removed from the rest of h...

The Malaysians have been a little bit sneaky: they included the Balinese dance Tari Pendit in their 2009 Visit Malaysia advertisement, presumably hoping that we wouldn’t notice. But we have! And this isn’t the first time the Malaysians have tried this trick of course. Other Indonesian treasures claimed by the Malaysians in the past include angklung (a bamboo musical instrument), Reog Ponorogo (a dance from East Java), the spicy beef from Sumatra called rendang and, perhaps most blatant of all, the Indonesian traditional cloth Batik ! Malaysia, Truly Asia? Or Truly Bali?!!!!!!! Bali Dancer

Sexy model Jasmine Fiore was dealt a bad hand. She could have met anyone at the Las Vegas casino but fate – destiny, call it whatever you will – brought about her meeting with Ryan Alexander Jenkins, a contestant in the reality show “Megan Wants a Millionaire”. But the good times didn’t last, and according to Fiore’s mother, the two of them fought frequently because Jenkins was jealous of Fiore's friendships with her ex-boyfriends. She was murdered on 15 August and Jenkins was charged with her murder only a few days later. The body was found stuffed in a suitcase in a California trash bin with the teeth and fingers gruesomely removed - presumably in an attempt to prevent the authorities from identifying the body. Following the announcement that Jenkins was charged with Jasmine’s murder, VH1 removed Megan Wants a Millionaire from circulation, and took down the show's page from its website. The show has been postponed until further notice. If only he hadn’t wanted to be a million...

If you really want to get your head into a twist take a look at these dice: Mind bending huh? But not nearly as bizarre as what the scientists and astronomers tell us about the Universe. Like what I was told by my teacher when, as an inquisitive kid, I asked him about the origins of the Universe. He then – as you might guess – went on to tell me about the Big Bang and how EVERYTHING in the universe was created in a super huge explosion and that only a fraction of a second after the Big Bang the universe was only about the same size as a pin head! I didn’t believe him then, and I don’t believe him now. Just imagine: EVERYTHING you have ever seen on this planet, the oceans, the mountains, the cities etc, and all the stars and planets, and all the billions of galaxies in the universe, compressed into an area the size of a pin head! Codswallop! He also told me the universe would eventually contract back in on itself and that the whole process would start again with another Big Bang billion...

The terrorists may have saved Man U from a humiliating defeat at the hands of an Indonesian All Star (sic) team but they haven’t dampened Indonesians’ enthusiasm for English footy. Nope not at all - and a couple of games will still be broadcast every Saturday night on TVONE (however, don’t expect to see either Man U or Chelski on too often although Wigan Athletic and Burnley might be featured quite regularly).  But who should Indonesians support? Well, surely a club with Indonesian connections, right? But is there one? Well, are there any premiership clubs with Indonesian players? No. Or premiership clubs owned by Indonesian tycoons? No. However, there is one English premiership club which is sponsored by an Indonesian: Tottenham Hotspur! Yep, the sponsors being Mansion of course - no relation to the Mansion House Meths drink one hopes – but rather an online gambling venture owned by Putra Sampoerna , a wily old businessman who sold his cigarette company to the Yanks f...

Miss Bali, Yoke Paramita Djati Walujo, has come out on top (sorry!) in the Bikini Contest for the “Miss Tourism Queen of 2009” held in Xinyang, China. Now that’s all very well and congrats to her, but why did she compete as Miss Bali and not as Miss Indonesia? I mean there are still people out there who actually believe that Bali is a country in its own right rather than part of Indonesia. So, if the Miss Tourism Queen – who is usually associated with a specific country – is called Miss Bali, then won’t this only serve to perpetuate this wrongly held belief?

Whilst moving at snail’s pace through the mad cacophony that is Tanah Abang at the weekend, I look over to the side of the road and what do I see? Another one of those shabby little roadside dentists! And bloody hell – just look at that sign: Must-a-jab. Yeah right. I bet that’s a jab ya won’t forget in a hurry! These sorts of places are generally found in the less - uh-erm - affluent parts of the city (meaning 99% of it) and although I first noticed them years back, the idea of actually stepping into one of these places was the last thing on my mind I can tell you! But what the heck I tell myself - the traffic’s more clogged up than the drainage pipes in a Chinese takeaway - and the curiosity has got the better of me, so I want to know what it’s like inside. So I jump of me bike, look round a couple of times, and then give the front door a firm push. It nearly falls off its hinges. I walk in. Inside, there’s an old bloke smoking. He looks at me incredulously, stubs out the Djarum Bla...

When i get older losing my hair, Many years from now. Will you still be sending me a valentine Birthday greetings bottle of wine. If i'd been out till quarter to three Would you lock the door, Will you still need me, will you still feed me, When i'm sixty-four. You'll be older too, And it you say the word, I could stay with you. I could be handy, mending a fuse When your lights have gone. You can knit a sweater by the fireside Sunday mornings go for a ride, Doing the garden, digging the weeds, Who could ask for more. Will you still need me, will you still feed me, When i'm sixty-four. Every summer we can rent a cottage, In the isle of wight, if it's not too dear We shall scrimp and save Grandchildren on your knee Vera chuck & dave Send me a postcard, drop me a line, Stating point of view Indicate precisely what you mean to say Yours sincerely, wasting away Give me your answer, fill in a form Mine for evermore Will you still need me, will you still feed me, Whe...

The pain. The anguish. And the suffering. Nope, being deflowered over in Malaysia can’t have been nice. But it sure turned out to be the career move of a lifetime!!! Watch her "true" story - unfold daily on RCTI at 6.00pm. I just wonder how they are gonna go about tackling the juicy parts. :)

Whether you are a seasoned chef or cooking-impaired, we’re sure you’d like to be shown the ways of the kitchen by Indonesia’s sexiest chef, the simply irrespirable Farah Quinn: Yes; instant noodles do provide short term hunger relief. But if you really want to be satisfied it’s best to take your time and make the necessary preparations for the real thing… Hot and spicy. And it’s not the noodles we are talking about either

While other cities around the world have WIFI hotspots in abundance, they are VERY difficult to find in Jakarta. Just look at this table: Hotspots Around The World United States 10580 Germany 6311 United Kingdom 2952 Switzerland 2231 France 1182 Canada 827 Austria 785 Japan 783 Netherlands 715 Denmark 584 Mexico 509 Singapore 501 Indonesia 175 And as for FREE WIFI hotspots in Jakarta, they are rarer than a wombats wing nut. But useful they are, so here is a list of the ones I have come across – if you know of any more please feel free to leave a comment! - Cafe Excelso , Plaza Indonesia (registration required) - California Pizza Kitchen , Plaza Indonesia (registration required) - Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf , Plaza Indonesia (registration required) - Dome, Plaza Indonesia (registration required) - Lamonda Café , Plaza Indonesia (registration required) - Lobby Hotel Nikko Jakarta (registration NOT required!!!) - Mojo Cafe Mangga Dua , Mangga Dua Square, Jl. Gunung Sahari Raya No.1 (reg...

Daft reasoning is always infuriating, so I was shocked to read that the government plans to move 10 Komodo dragons to Bali from their natural habitat in order to “save them from extinction”. (It has got nothing, of course, to do with the fact that the 10 Komodo dragons would be placed at the Bali Safari Park where guests are charged Rp85,000 for admission - or US$ 59 if they wise to tour the zoo on an elephant). According to the minister for Tourism and Culture: The forestry ministry was planning to have a Komodo dragon breeding ground in Bali because in their present habitat there was not enough food for them… Adding that: Tens of Komodo dragons used to live on an isle in Flores, East Nusa Tenggara, but now only 16 of them remained. WTF!!! I mean, how can we be saving the komodo dragons “from extinction” if we are simply moving them to a zoo instead of taking measures to preserve their natural habitat so they can actually survive in the wild? The other bizarre aspect of the proposed ...

Indonesia is known for its harsh treatment of drug users, so I was very surprised to see this rather clever ploy to get the customers in on Friday nights. A spiffing good night out to be had, I reckon!  

Former British PM Tony Blair is in Bali with Cherie, their two kids, Cherie's mother Gale Booth, a couple of family friends and Mr Blair's security team. That’s quite a mob. So where did they go first? None other than the Taro Elephant safari park near Ubud!!! Source: Daily Mail

How clever do you think the bouncer pictured below is? Not too bright? Pretty average? Well, you’d be wrong by a long shot, cos he is in fact America’s most intelligent man with a measured IQ of between 195 and 210 – or 35 points higher than Einstein’s!!! His life story is pretty incredible: he grew up in poverty and was beaten by his step dad until he took up weight training and booted him out of the house! Christopher Langan went to university but had financial problems and “knew more than the professors anyway”, and after that – despite his phenomenal intelligence – he worked a string of labor-intensive jobs (construction worker, cowboy, firefighter, and farmhand), and for over twenty years, as a bouncer on Long Island! This must amount to one of the most spectacular misuses of intellectual resources there has ever been (he could have done anything for God’s sake (i.e. options trader, scientist), but eventually his abilities were recognized for his Cognitive-Theoretic Model of the U...

Alterity is swapping one’s own perspective for that of the other, as demonstrated by three British police officers in Sheffield, South Yorkshire : The move, which was part of a police initiative, has been widely condemned – and rightly so – by people who believe that the job of the police is to arrest criminals and not to stage publicity stunts. Obviously, people should be allowed to wear what they want – that’s everyone’s right in a liberal democracy – but the huge irony here is that the sorts of people who want to wear burkas strongly oppose western democracy and want to replace it with a religious theocracy under which our freedoms - that too many of us now take for granted - would be destroyed. And what are the Yorkshire police officers up to next weekend? Well, why don’t they enter a beauty parade and don a suimsuit? While they still can…

When SBY gave his emotionally charged speech in response to the terrorist bombings of the Marriott and Ritz Carlton hotels he was roundly criticized for linking those bombings to the presidential elections. “They are out to get me” he proclaimed, lofting up a bunch of photographs showing that pictures of his face had been used by gun-totting terrorists in target practice up in Sulawesi.   “Has he lost the plot completely?” some conjectured. But like most speeches it was quickly forgotten. However, looking back on it now - and at two paragraphs in particular – and you really have to wonder why terrorists would so suddenly want to switch from Western targets to ostensibly a Muslim one (yes, the President is a Muslim) right before he is due to be inaugurated for his second presidential term . Wouldn’t you?  The two paragraphs from SBY’s speech following the bombings:    I believe, as we have discovered before, that the perpetrators and the people who masterminded ...

Yep. Back home the Scots like to clog up their arteries by pigging out on deep-fried mars bars. But over here things are different and the preferred dish is “fat drenched rice” or better known as nasi goring (fried rice). Horses for courses if you ask me, but either way you are well on the road to a coronary before your 45th birthday. Selamat makan! Another Indonesia WTF moment. And the Americans thought they did things big!

Back in 1980, when I was a little kid, the English punk rock band the Splodgenessabounds released the classic hit single “Two pints of lager and a packet of crisps please”.   And now in 2009, some 29 years on and feeling a little peckish with a Bintang in one hand, I head for the kitchen seeking something to munch on. And there nestled among the packets of Indonesian peanuts – some coated in a hard white substance resembling white Portland cement, but all sickly saccharine sweet (even the chili ones funnily enough) – there is a solitary packet of Lay’s crisps. I pick it up and this is what I see: Salmon Terriyaki flavor!! Just wtf is going on?!!! Yeah. I can just imagine it now. This scene playing out in some London pub:  - Two pints of lager and a packet of Salmon Teriyaki crisps please, mate.  - HAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!    Cos crisps, or as incorrectly called by the Yanks potato chips , should only ever come in three flavours: plain, Cheese and Onion, and, o...

Someone has pointed me to the art of Chinese artist Liu Bolin, and I have to say I’m impressed. Liu Bolin asks whether humans are animals, and comes to the conclusion we are not since we have lost our ability to conceal ourselves from a hostile environment, unlike, say, a rattlesnake (which can bury itself in the ground), or a chameleon (which can change its hues to match the color of its surroundings). In fact, you could say that Liu Bolin is the complete opposite of today’s typical attention-seeking cam whore (not that I’ve got anything against cam whores of course!). Because unlike these women who will do virtually (sic) anything to be seen, Liu Bolin is instead adopting alternate strategies to conceal himself. But all is not what it seems and in a sense you could argue that it is Liu Bolin who makes the greater impression by seeking not to stand out – as opposed to the cam whores who reveal nearly everything but ultimately make no lasting impression at all. Strange how it all works...

Good to see XL giving the two-pointed fingers up to the terrorist loonies in this defiant piece of advertising: But advertising in Indonesia is not always this sharp, and sometimes they come up with stuff that is so wide of the mark that the other team would get a throw-in rather than a goal kick.  A good example of this being HM Sampoerna’s slogan for its recently launched super slim kretek cigarettes "Sampoerna Avolution": Begin what Next   Er, you what? You what, you what you what?  Completely baffling even to native English speakers (including those with Philosophy and Linguistics degrees), I can’t imagine what Sampoerna thought the average Indonesian dude was going to make of it: that confusing consumers with indecipherable slogans is a good way to get them to buy the company’s cigarettes, perhaps?  Another really bizarre piece of advertising that I came upon recently was on an absolutely huge billboard in the Tanah Abang district of central Jakarta: Nope –...