Bali Ha'i will whisper
In the wind of the sea:
"Here am I, your special island!
Come to me, come to me!"

Looking at the news, I was interested to see that the recently revived 1949 musical South Pacific has just opened at the Golden Gate Theatre in San Francisco.

The musical is considered one of the greatest in history and several of its songs have become worldwide standards. One of them, of course, is Bali Ha’i, a song which is written about a fictional island with two volcanoes where a certain Lt. Joseph Cable meets Bloody Mary's daughter.

When naming the fictional island I find it hard to believe that the real Bali island in Indonesia didn’t play a part in influencing their decision - even though they claim that the Bali Ha’i island in the film is modeled on the volcanic island of Aoba in the South Pacific!

Sort of makes you wonder then why they didn’t call the song Aoba Ha’i instead (and at least it would have prevented many Americans from incorrectly believing that the real Bali was in the South Pacific!)

But while the Bali Ha’i song may not have been about the real Bali island, it hasn’t stopped a number of Indonesian businesses from using the song’s name.

Bali Hai, for instance, is a brand of lager beer sold in Indonesia (virtually indistinguishable from good old Bintang IMO, but this couple didn’t like it) and, strangely enough, very very difficult to find.



And a bit bizarrely this, one of Indonesia’s big clove cigarette producers, Djarum, actually has the nerve to sell a cigarette brand called Bali Hai! I’ve never come across it in Indonesia, so I assume it’s mainly exported – but perhaps not very much longer to the US (*)

And if you ever want to get to the wonderful Lembongan island which lies just east of Bali you may want to use the services of Bali Hai Cruises.

So nope it ain’t only Malaysia which “takes” other country’s creations. But then again – as the companies above might tell you - why not eh?

* Djarum are currently engaged in a fascinating tussle with the US Food and Drug Administration (FDA) who recently outlawed the sale of Indonesia’s legendary clove cigarettes in the US.

40 Years of Silence: an Indonesian Tragedy - feature length film on how Indonesia dealt with the red peril and the repercussions of the “events” that took place. The film follows the testimony of four people and their families from Central Java and Bali, two regions heavily affected by the madness.

Bruno - would be great if it was shown in Indonesia – and can you just imagine the reaction it would provoke from the fanatics? As it is, you’ll probably have to make do with the DVD, which, I can report, is already available in “ori” (high quality) format. Enjoy!


The Blossoming of Maximo Oliveros – another gayfest by the Pilipino director Aureaus Solito, this film profiles the life of a gay boy struggling to survive in the slums of Manila. As his family are a bunch of cell phone thieves, the boy has to face a huge conflict when – believe it or not - he falls in love with a policeman!

I was watching the Metro TV program “Kick Andy” and on it he had this impoverished women who had kept changing her name when she was younger because she was always suffering from ill health. But after changing her name for the umpteenth time, guess what? She stopped getting sick! Luckily for her she had found the “right” name.

But what about the nation’s politicians? Are they blessed with the “right” names or not? (don’t think I’m stepping beyond the realms of credulity here; this is Java, after all!)

No, we don’t need to worry about what the politicians actually believe or what policies they intend to implement. What counts are their names! But how to interpret them?

Well actually that’s not so difficult. Because we can use anagrammaticography, a highly regarded tool which is noted for its uncanny ability to accurately draw meaningful conclusions about the political figures and their views on a host of issues. Used since the middle ages, anagrammaticography really came to the fore in the 17th century when it was noted that an anagram of “William Shakespeare” revealed the phrase “I am a weakish speller”. (Shakespeare, of course, was noted for signing his name in at least seven different ways).

Although criticized by religious types as “the work of the devil”, the power of political anagrammaticography cannot be overlooked. An anagram of “George Bush” reveals “He bugs Gore”, and rather more ominously “Sarah Palin” reveals “Sharia plan”. (I always suspected that the US religious right had made an unholy (sic) alliance with the Jihadists, so thank God Barack Obama won the US presidential elections). Incidentally, an anagram of Barack Obama comes up with 'Aback, a Rambo!' – strongly suggesting he ain’t quite the limp-wristed liberal that many believe he is!

But how do Indonesia’s politicians shape up? Well, here’s a lowdown on some of the leading names:

Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono (Partai Demokrat): Not a bad chap but he has completely failed to make far reaching reforms that would actually give this country a chance of catching up with the rest of the world. Absurd laws still get passed by parliament, and SBY only turned up the heat on the fanatics after terrorist plans to bomb his residence came to light.

Verdict: Baboonish as young mouldy

Megawati Sukarnoputri (PDIP): Although not noted for her intellectual acumen, Megawati is at least a loveable housewife with a famous father.

Verdict: Utopias wreak maturing


Yusuf Kalla: this pint-sized Golkar Party stalwart is the second child out of 17. Although he has nationalist tendencies he also supports foreigners’ efforts to ingratiate themselves into Indonesian society: “"If the janda [divorcees] get modest homes even if the foreign tourists later leave them, then it's OK. The children resulting from these relationships will have good genes. There will be more television actors and actresses from these pretty boys and girls."

Verdict: Flaky usual

Tommy Suharto: Despite a minor run-in with the law, Tommy is gunning for the top post of the Golkar Party. It may seem unlikely, but in Indonesia, don’t forget, ANYTHING is possible.

Verdict: Yum! Smooth Rat!


Aburizal Bakrie: one of the richest men in Indonesia (worth anywhere from US$3-5 billion depending on who you believe) and the protectorate of the poor, Aburizal has done well to distance himself from events in East Java.

Verdict: I bulkier bazaar. (??????)


Abdurrahman Wahid (PKB): A fine man and I love him dearly, but too much of a maverick to be a great leader.

Verdict: Ha Ha! Mud braw drain.


Amien Rais (PAN): Noted nationalist politician who is well regarding for playing an important role in ending the dictatorship of Suharto. In recent years, he seems to be getting increasingly anti foreign and has some pretty zany ideas on the economy.

Verdict: Rise mania!!!!

Hidayat Nur Wahid: Leader of the Islamic party PKS, Hidayat Nur Wahid seems like a friendly enough chap although I’m not so sure about his democratic credentials.

Verdict: Ha Ha! Win arid duty.

Now for three noted ex generals:

Wiranto (Hanura): Amateur crooner with matinee idol good looks. Just don’t mention East Timor or the May riots.

Verdict: Rat Wino!

Sutiyoso: Selfless and tireless worker for the people, Sutiyoso’s crowning achievement was turning Jakarta into a city of huge cultural interest by establishing it as SE Asia’s “Venice of the East” (subject to adequate rainfall).

Verdict: So its you!

Prabowo Subianto (Gerindra): UK educated ex leader of Indonesia’s feared special ops, KOPASSUS. Now a socialist, apparently. Long term plans to run the country, and with his financial resources who would bet against him?

Verdict: Now absorb utopia. (Now i wonder if that's ever gonna come true...)

"Jakarta, Indonesia, September 15, 2014"

"Some six million residents of the capital city Jakarta have been convicted en masse by the nation’s highest religious court (previously known as the Supreme Court) for various crimes including adultery, sex out of marriage and homosexuality (including lesbianism), crimes punishable by death under Indonesia’s strict Sharia law. The public stonings will take place at venues across the city including the Senayan Sports stadium and at the Ancol fanatics Theme Park before the next full moon."

More info over at Aljazeera

But all is not what it seems it appears!

When I was a kid I had a mate whose old man owned a Chinese takeaway and who had a very attractive sister. It was a decent enough joint and I spent quite a lot of time over there - but not really getting any sort of positive reaction from my mate’s sister whose tight black leggings and wonderfully long, jet-black hair kept me in a sort of adolescent trance.

But I got to eat spring rolls. Lots of ‘em.

Anyway, on one particular occasion, I’ve stayed over a lot longer than usual (the clock says 11.20pm) and a bunch of yobs are milling around outside. Yep, the pubs have just chucked out and it’s Friday night.

They then come in, all six of them: raucous and obnoxious; making all sorts of nasty racial insults.

But they are pissed and they are slow. And, unlike my mate’s father, they don’t have a baseball bat (his one is handily kept behind the counter but out of sight of the yobs).

One of the yobs pays, takes his change, and then decides he’s been overcharged (even though the most basic arithmetic is probably beyond him).

The atmosphere is charged and I can sense something is gonna happen.

But before it does my mate’s father takes the baseball bat and holds it above his head ready to swing: a “preemptive strike” years before Bush got the idea into his head.

There’s an indeterminable pause when noone says anything and then the yobs just leave. They realise it ain’t worth it.

But here in Indonesia, such displays of aggressive, antisocial behavior like this are extremely rare. Even the premen in Tanah Abang are polite. Now I’m not saying that violence never erupts in Indonesia – because when the pressure cooker does explode all hell really does break loose (May 98 etc) – just that there’s a pleasant absence of that loutish, antisocial behavior that is so prevalent in many of the cities and towns of the so-called “West”.

But while the aggression may be missing in Indonesia, the social retards are still out there – and in huge numbers I imagine – as a recent visit to Taman Ismail Marzuki (TIM) in Cikini confirmed:


Ismail Marzuki may be one of Indonesia’s greatest composers, famed for such compositions as Halo-Halo Bandung (1946), Selendang Sutera (1946), Sepasang Mata Bola (1946), and Melati di Tapal Batas (1947), but his statue, erected at the site named after him, is covered in scrawling graffiti.

Yobs? Get everywhere don't they?

Taman Ismail Marzuki Jakarta Arts Center (TIM)
73 Jalan Cikini Raya Menteng-Cikini,
Jakarta, 10330
Tel: (021) 3193 4740

After adding batik, the keris, and wayang to its cultural heritage list, UNECSO has now declared the famous Glodok shopping district in West Jakarta as a world heritage site (before it is also claimed by Malaysia).


The reasons given for the site’s inclusion in the UNECSO list are as follows:

1) Through the sale of affordable film and music titles – mostly American – Glodok has done a fantastic job in fostering cross cultural relations between the US and Indonesia.

2) By bringing American culture to the Indonesian populace at large, it is also hoped that the popular misconceptions that Indonesians have of Uncle Sam can be corrected, thereby minimizing the terrorist threat.

3) The provision of educational adult DVD titles (by Vivid Video etc) – also at very competitive prices – is hoped to increase HIV awareness and encourage people to take appropriate precautions to prevent the spread of sexually transmitted diseases (AIDS in particular).

4) The stupendous growth of Glodok in recent years (sales up 789% in the last three years) has boosted the city’s gross domestic product by 15%, and, perhaps more importantly, created many new jobs, thus helping to alleviate poverty in the nearby area.

5) With the full support of its “backers”, the area generates huge “taxable” revenues (off balance sheet naturally).

So hands off Malaysia –

And stop taking what doesn’t belong to you!

NB: For an alternative viewpoint, the International Intellectual Property Alliance also have something to say (download, right click).

The good bule husband

· Agrees to transfer his entire salary into your bank account. Cos that’s what Indonesian husbands do.

· Is willing to discuss current affairs, i.e. the latest Indonesian celeb gossib, and is prepared to let you watch your favorite American soap even though there is a vital premiership football match he wants to watch on another channel.

· Is fashion literate and understands why it is absolutely necessary to buy you original Levis jeans for Rp880,000 a pair rather than imitations which are exactly the same but cost only a mere Rp150,000.

· Doesn’t flirt with the two new maids from Indramayu.


Double trouble: be careful of the maids you employ or you might regret it

· Doesn’t freak out when your mother and a bunch of other “close” relatives including some third-removed cousin all turn up uninvited at the same time and then agrees that they can all stay “as long as they want” (with some of them even setting up camp in your bedroom).

· Is spiritually minded and agrees with you that Charles Darwin was a misguided freak and complete fool cos the world is only 20,000 years old whatever the scientists might say.

· Understands that the Rp50,000 note left on the table had simply been taken by a child spirit called a “Tuyl” as it would be preposterous to accuse the f###ng #### of taking the money.

· Thinks that Sampoerna A “mild” cigs are a good, healthy choice for a modern and sophisticated woman like yourself.

· Is open-minded. Allows you to flirt a bit at nightclubs, parties or wherever, but if he so much lays a hand on another attractive woman then he’d better watch the f### out.

· Agrees with you that Nokias are a “disposal” fashion item and need to be replaced at least once a year.

The bad bule husband

· Prefers the malls in Glodok to the much more luxurious Plaza Senayan.

· Thinks it’s a good idea to save electricity by turning off the lights once you leave a room.

· Still doesn’t get the difference between PMT, MT and post-MT. Implies there isn’t much to choose between them. Indonesian women suffer badly from this condition you understand.

· Is exceptionally cruel and vicious to children (he tells them to be quiet at the dinner table and to do things by “themselves” for Heaven’s sake).

· You overhear him saying to his mates that he loves that second-rate “actress” called Chelsea Olivia, and he still has the nerve to lie to you and say that he is talking about some London football club. Swine.

· Gets angry when you turn down the offer of sex in preference for the utter agony of having your lovely back lacerated with an old Rp100 coin because you have “masuk angin”.

· Complains about that “shitty smell of Petai” emanating from the kitchen even though he eats filthy-old mould-ridden cheese that smells worse than his God-damn bule feet (yucks!)

· Takes a bath only twice a week! Filthy pig!

· Occasionally complains that his body “aches” and that he needs to go out and get a massage. Hmmm….

There’s a hell of a brouhaha going on in Germany at the moment because the German courts have ruled in favor of a German citizen of Egyptian descent who wants to name his son “Jihad”.

A court in Berlin said that the man (Reda Seyam) could name the child Djehad because it was an "accepted Arabic first name term" (and not necessarily a term to promote violence).

As a result, Jihad won’t join the list of banned names in Germany which includes, among others, Sputnik, McDonald (wtf?!), Woodstock, Satan (hahaha!), Grandma, Tom-Tom and Peppermint (and Hitler as well, one assumes).

But just who exactly is this chap who’s named his son “Jihad”?

Well, none other than one of the alleged foreign financiers of the first Bali bombings back in 2002!

Nope I could hardly believe it either but that’s who he appears to be:

IN FACT, SEYAM was already being held prisoner by Indonesian authorities at the time of the bombings. He had been arrested four weeks earlier, in mid-September, on suspicions of involvement in terrorist activity.

A captured al Qaeda operative named Omar al-Faruq had told American interrogators of plans to launch a string of attacks against American embassies in Jakarta and other Southeast Asian capitals. Al-Faruq identified Seyam, alias “Abu Daud,” as the head of an Indonesian Qaeda cell.

Read more here.

But as for little baby Jihad, let’s just hope his name does not set him up for trouble in the years to come, and that if he ever does come to Indonesia then he comes in peace and not to maim and slaughter. And yeah he may have a strange name. But it could be worse.

Moon Unit Zappa, anyone?!!!!

It was like in one of those disaster movies and everyone’s panicking and screaming to rush down the stairs and the streets are full of throngs of people and you can’t call your wife cos the telecommunications are down and…

…But hold on a sec. There’s no damage. And the building didn’t shake that much.

But nearer to the quake’s epicenter (Tasikmalaya) - which is a good 300 kms from Jakarta - the damage was much worse and many buildings - including the large Ar Rahman Mosque - have collapsed.

The fears now, though, are that a further quake is imminent and, because of this, the authorities have issued a set of guidelines which Jakarta residents are urged to follow in the event of another (large) quake:

If you are inside:

1. Remain calm and stay away from things that could fall easily. Wearing a motorcycle crash helmet will give you added protection.

2. Crawl under a sturdy desk or go to a corner of the room. If you don’t have a desk in your house a table will do. Don’t worry too much if all those bricks and concrete come tumbling down: Indonesian-built desks are among the strongest in the world.

3. Cover your head with your arms (and simply swipe away the huge chunks on concrete as they come crashing down upon you).

4. Do not use stairs or elevators. Jump out of the window instead.

If you are outside:

1. Calmly move to an open area (plenty of those in Jakarta, aren’t there?)

2. If you live in Ancol or near the sea, get your surfboard ready. Ask your kids to wear armbands. They’ve had swimming lessons, right? And whatever you do, don’t try and drive to higher ground. This will make the roads congested and make it more difficult for the VIPs wanting to flee the capital.

Let’s just hope it doesn’t come to this, eh?

The latest news on the ongoing Indonesian-Malaysian cultural wars is that a website for travelers committed the grave sin of wrongly stating that Pulau Jemur was part of Malaysia. It was probably just a simple mistake, but the Indonesian press lapped it up, virtually taking the website claim as a Malaysian declaration of war.

Oh for the days of Sukarno…



Image from Google Maps: "A" marks the location of Pulau Jemur

It’s a long standing joke in Aus that if you want to become a millionaire you simply take a holiday in Bali.

And for one crisp US$100 bill you will receive one million Indonesian rupiah – most likely 20xRp50,000 notes. Alternatively, of course you could take 100xRp10,000 notes or even – although this is taking it a bit far – 1000xRp1,000 bank notes!

But the glory days of the Rp1,000 bank note are now over and Bank Indonesia will gradually phase it out now that it has issued the new Rp2,000 note to replace it as the country’s smallest denominated bank note.

If, like me, you’ve been in Indonesia for some time, then you will find this pretty sad. Sure the Rp1,000 note ain’t worth much any more – about 10 cents – but it does have nostalgic value aplenty.

A number of years back, it used to be a “real” bank note of course, and prior to the financial crisis in 98 - when the exchange rate was around Rp2,200/USD - it was worth almost 50 cents. Hell: in those days you could actually buy something with it. And now it’s just the grubby little note that nobody wants.

But despite its imminent demise, I still reckon it’s worth keeping a handful of them tucked away somewhere.

Cos as a collectors item it’s gonna be worth a hell of a lot more than it is now!

A couple of weeks back and I was filling up at the petrol station when this dude on a motorcycle turns up and starts to have a heated exchange with the petrol assistant. Although I’m not far from them, I can’t make out what the dispute is about. No big deal I think. They’ll soon be on their way. But I’m wrong. Cos in what seemed like a slow motion sequence from a shoot-out scene in a Quentin Tarantino film, the guy with the motorcycle suddenly pulls out a shooter from inside his jacket and starts waving it around like a right and utter lunatic. No one ducks or runs surprisingly - and the few onlookers just stand rooted to the spot in complete amazement. A few seconds pass, and cool as you like, the guy just gets back on his bike and roars off.

Naturally curious, I go up to the petrol assistant and ask him what the dispute was about.

“His fuel gage didn’t rise after he filled up. So he came back and told me I had cheated him.”

WTF!

------------------------

A few weeks later and the authorities in the Philippines have seized a haul of Pindad made submachine guns. Actually not too many – only about five wooden crates worth; the other 15 boxes of guns had already been slipped out by the “syndicate”.

This has all the makings of a really juicy scandal of course, and quick to quell suggestions that the guns were smuggled to the Philippines, Defense Minister Juwono Sudarsono has stated that:

state-arms manufacturer PT Pindad has complied with all rules and regulations amid speculation that Indonesian weapons may have been smuggled into the Philippines.

And as for Pindad, they claim some 100 of the SS1-VI rifles were on their way to the African country of Mali.

Yeah right.

But what is really interesting is that the British skipper (Bruce Jones) of the admittedly “aging” vessel has had to seek protection from the “syndicate”:

Somewhere in Bataan – The fugitive British captain of a cargo vessel seized by authorities for smuggling assault rifles worth P100 million into the country last week asked the (Philippines) government for protection, saying the syndicate behind the arms shipment is threatening him and his family.

Explaining that:

I was instructed several times by the unidentified ship owner to slow down and delay his time of arrival in the Port of Batangas Port for unknown reasons.

“I had then felt that something is unusual. Worse, three of our tanks, containing 37 tons each, had been filled with water so I suggested to my boss to have a dry dock and repair in Subic,” Jones said.

“This was my first time to handle the aging ship whose owner is still unknown to me, though he kept on calling me by phone only,” he said Jones.

Source: Manila Bulletin

Pindad guns. Makes you wonder who buys them, eh?

Another satisfied customer?