Alterity | Jakarta and Bali

Consumer rights are next to non-existent in Indonesia and it really is worth bearing in mind the old Latin phrase caveat emptor (buyer beware!) before you purchase anything of value.  We all have our horror stories to tell but you have to be careful how you tell them otherwise you could find yourself in the surreal and preposterous situation where the company you are complaining about decides to bring legal action against you (as happened to a young woman who complained of the poor medical treatment she received at a dodgy hospital in Tangerang).  In the world of car parking things take on an equally surreal dimension with parking companies - such as Secure Parking - refusing to take responsibility if a vehicle goes missing whilst it is parked. Secure Parking urge caution: but have they looked in the mirror recently? Personally I know a number of people who have had their motorcycles stolen whilst parked “securely” and wondered how this could happen as a parked vehicle shoul...

In the murky world of plus plus spas, one name naturally comes to mind: Delta Spa.  They are a big player with a chain of men’s spas in Jakarta and other large Indonesian cities.  There is a famous joke in Jakarta about Delta Spa. It relates to three Papuans who were visiting the capital city and asked their Jakarta colleagues to take them to a spa. In the spa, a so-called therapist told them they had a choice of three types of massage: traditional, shiatsu and a mix of traditional- shiatsu.  Two of the Papuans requested the shiatsu massage but the other asked whether a plus plus massage was available. The therapist told him she was ready to do this, especially for him. He was very happy.  After the group of guys had received their massages and had gotten showered and dressed, one of the Papuans’ Jakarta colleagues noticed that the Papuan who had asked for a plus plus massage looked noticeably grumpy.  When asked why, he said that his back was stiff as the ther...

I’m in Bali’s Ngurah Rai International Airport and I muster up all my strength to lift the absurdly heavy baggage onto the scales at the Mandala check-in desk. 60.8kg. WTF! But it’s spot on and even an airline wouldn’t be so mean spirited to charge for excessive baggage of a mere 0.8kg.  But 60.8kg of luggage? That’s damn heavy. So where did it all come from? Well, it’s the oleh oleh (gifts) of course. This is not really a big thing back in Old Blighty but Indonesians will expect a gift if you only travel away for the weekend!  And even if you’re only semi-familiar with someone you’re still expected to give them a gift – the masseur who comes round every couple of weeks, your driver, the kid’s driver, the kid’s friends, the neighbors, the people at the gym you barely know, etc etc etc…  Arggggggg!!!!!!! Anyway, this got me thinking. What sorts of Indonesian things make good gifts? And what gifts are best to take on a visit back home to Old Blighty (or wherever you ...

Getting to this spa is a tough proposition - an infuriatingly slow journey in gridlock traffic to the outer reaches of north Jakarta, a nondescript wasteland as far as the eye can see, and a world away from the shiny skyscrapers, plush shopping malls and wide boulevards of the city center. But make the effort and you are rewarded. Because once you enter the doors of Number 35, Jalan Jembatan Tiga, you are instantly transported into a modern-day version of an insalubrious Roman bathhouse, a sort of heaven (or hell?) on earth, surrounded by young, beautiful girls in varying states of undress. Prices here are very reasonable if compared to more pricey establishments like Alexis and Oasis , especially considering the quality of the facilities at the spa. Highly recommended. So why not come and make a day of it? Hahaha! Tematik Spa Jl. Jembatan Tiga No. 35, North Jakarta Telp (021) 6669 0566 HP Don Santos 0858 8582 8089 BB Donsantos 29FCA41C Desy 26CC1B20 Novi 297F7B...

Three hot ladies lying down in a film called Selimut Berdarah (Blooded Sheets) and I thought it was a movie about losing your cherry on wedding night! How stupid of me! Nope, what we have here is another utterly absurd Indonesian horror movie in the “Slasher” vein with a plot about as logical as anatidaephobia (the fear that somewhere, somehow, a duck is watching you). The film centers on smoking hot Ria (Enno Lerian), who just so happens to live on a tropical island (which one I wonder?), and one night cross paths with a bunch of kids whose body parts are to be sold by a nasty man named Rehmen. Luckily for the kids, Ria manages to free them all but for reasons that only the movie makers could think of, she decides she needs to solicit help from a guy who suffers short term memory syndrome (the aptly named Dicky) to uncover the truth about Rehmen’s sinister intentions. Well, I did say it was absurd, didn’t I!!! Starring: Enno Lerian Pinkan Mambo Roy Marten Dimaz Andrean Melina Zafar Ad...

~ All good things must come to an end. It’s your last day in Bali and you’ve got to check out of your hotel by 12 noon. But your flight isn’t until 8.00pm. So what to do? Well, in the old days tourists would pretty much just hang out wherever they happened to be – Kuta , Ubud , Sanur etc – but now - with the ever increasing traffic in Bali - that isn’t such a good idea anymore. Sundays are particularly bad and I’ll never forget the time I suffered a nerve wracking two hours chewing my fingernails down to the bone after being caught up in one of Kuta’s seemingly interminable Sunday afternoon traffic jams (it took 2 hours to get out of the madness and onto the main road to the airport). So what to do? Well, why not wait at Jimbaran? Cos from the airport, Jimbaran is really close and will only take 10-15 minutes by car or taxi. Formerly a real backwater, Jimbaran has developed over the years – but still retains its “sleepy fishing village” charm. The sandy beach is much cl...

You will never understand bureaucracies until you understand that for bureaucrats procedure is everything and outcomes are nothing. >Thomas Sowell (American Writer and Economist, b.1930) Few people have anything good to say about Indonesian bureaucracy. There is no tradition of public service and the general view is that the civil servants in Indonesia are there simply to line their own pockets rather than – God forbid – actually provide any services to the public. This paragraph, from the Living in Indonesia website , pretty much sums it up: To request a service from a government employee is to beg a boon, and is expected to be accompanied by a discreet gift; an envelope of cash is standard. Failure to offer one is normally perceived as a personal insult and seen as highly disrespectful...it will almost certainly see your request sent to the bottom of the pile or lost altogether. But is Indonesian bureaucracy really that bad? Well, perhaps not. I say this because in my case I’ve ju...

  Gus Teja were the main act on the last day of the 2010 Ubud Festival – a musical and arts festival so laid back and unassuming that when we sat down in the front row at the time things were supposed to kick off, there were only a few other people there.  But Gus Teja – a sort of Balinese version of those ancient hippies Jethro Tull – played well and soon attracted a decent crowd. Good stuff. And the beautiful Balinese dancers who followed weren’t half bad either!

Happy to be a Hooker? Well Happy Salma certainly is, as that will be her role in the movie 7 Hati 7 Cinta Wanita (Seven Hearts, Seven Loves, Seven Women). Happy plays the role of Yanti, a 22-year-old university graduate who becomes a hooker as she is “looking for her identity” – and a little extra cash of course. Happy hasn’t disclosed her fee, but her compensation is said to be “substantial”. But who can say she doesn’t deserve it!

Every country has its bugbears. For the English it’s the daleks. These extraterrestrial creatures are enclosed inside mechanical casing and are so terrifying that “hiding behind the sofa while the daleks threaten to exterminate their enemies” has become a ritual for many schoolchildren growing up in England. Indonesia doesn’t have daleks but it does have an equally terrifying foe – the communists – who, like the daleks, are hell bent on “universal conquest and domination, utterly without pity, compassion or remorse”. The fear of communism is so great in Indonesia that a huge march has been organized in Jakarta (by who I wonder?) to warn against this filth. Protest against the revival of Communist Party ( #PKI ) in Jakarta, today! #Aksi299 ! pic.twitter.com/CxCvIzwrow — Muslim Cyber Army (@MCAOps) September 29, 2017 So be warned. The red menace is still around - even if you can’t actually see it. But how red are YOU? Well, take the following quiz to determine if you need to si...