Consumer rights are next to non-existent in Indonesia and it really is worth bearing in mind the old Latin phrase caveat emptor (buyer beware!) before you purchase anything of value.

We all have our horror stories to tell but you have to be careful how you tell them otherwise you could find yourself in the surreal and preposterous situation where the company you are complaining about decides to bring legal action against you (as happened to a young woman who complained of the poor medical treatment she received at a dodgy hospital in Tangerang).

In the world of car parking things take on an equally surreal dimension with parking companies - such as Secure Parking - refusing to take responsibility if a vehicle goes missing whilst it is parked.

Secure Parking urge caution: but have they looked in the mirror recently?

Personally I know a number of people who have had their motorcycles stolen whilst parked “securely” and wondered how this could happen as a parked vehicle should only ever be allowed to leave the parking area if the mororist shows the parking ticket to the employee in the little parking locket when leaving.

Inside job comes to mind.

In the case of Anny R Gultom, she had her Toyota Kijang car stolen while parked “securely” in Mangga Dua Mall in 2000.

It’s taken her a long time (10 years) but justice has finally been done as Indonesia’s Supreme Court has just issued a ruling that obliges parking operators to assume liability for vehicles parked in the areas they manage.

And about time too.

But it’s another matter if the parking operators will actually pay up in other cases where vehicles are stolen.

So be careful where you park.


Or you could be very sorry!

I’m in Bali’s Ngurah Rai International Airport and I muster up all my strength to lift the absurdly heavy baggage onto the scales at the Mandala check-in desk.

60.8kg.

WTF!

But it’s spot on and even an airline wouldn’t be so mean spirited to charge for excessive baggage of a mere 0.8kg.

But 60.8kg of luggage? That’s damn heavy. So where did it all come from?

Well, it’s the oleh oleh (gifts) of course.

This is not really a big thing back in Old Blighty but Indonesians will expect a gift if you only travel away for the weekend! And even if you’re only semi-familiar with someone you’re still expected to give them a gift – the masseur who comes round every couple of weeks, your driver, the kid’s driver, the kid’s friends, the neighbors, the people at the gym you barely know, etc etc etc… Arggggggg!!!!!!!

Anyway, this got me thinking. What sorts of Indonesian things make good gifts? And what gifts are best to take on a visit back home to Old Blighty (or wherever you come from)? Well, here’s me list:

1. A bottle of arak. Made from fermented rice, fruit or sugarcane, the end product is a potent firebrew which probably has a lot in common with the fuel you put in your car. Alcohol content is generally about the 50% mark. Not the sort of thing to give your gran but it might make the ideal gift for someone you want to see the back off. Literally.

2. Batik shirts. Personally I’m not a great fan of batik shirts. They can look cool but choose the wrong design/colors and you could look as out of place as a burka on Kuta Beach (yes, I saw a woman wearing one there, really!). What’s more, batik shirts are generally just not that comfortable to wear - unless you are in an air-conditioned environment such as at an indoor wedding ceremony. They are also a real bitch to wash: stick them in a washing machine with your white business shirts and say hello to a new bunch of light brown shirts a short while later; the old white shirts mysteriously gone!

3. Madurese sickle. You can get all sorts of traditional weapons across the Indonesian archipelago, the most famous being the Javanese keris (a sort of asymmetrical dagger which may have mystical properties). I never did get my hands on a keris but I did buy a bloody sharp celurit (sickle) from the island of Madura many eons ago. The amazing thing was I actually took the thing on the plane with me as hand luggage! (this was way before 9/11) Try a stunt like that today and you’d be whisked off to a small room with bright lights to have your body parts fried off.

4. Beer Bintang singlet. Take home a bit of Aussie beach “culture” with you in the form of the majestically designed Beer Bintang singlet. Lightweight and cheap, they make great gifts.




5. Cock shaped bottle opener. Hand crafted by Balinese artisans, the cock shaped bottle opener is both functional and aesthetically pleasing. They sell by the bucket load apparently. Pic here.

6. Whilst on a similar theme, take home a few durian flavored condoms with you! If anything, they should at least “raise” a few laughs. Hahaha!

7. Artwork. Indonesia is packed with artistic talent and there are many fine galleries. If you can’t afford to splash out US$20,000++ on a Blanco or Le Mayeur, just pick up something at a local handicrafts market for US$10-20 instead.

Nice if you can afford it.

8. Clove cigarettes. Defy the politically correct health fascism of the West and take back a carton of smokes with you (providing customs allow it of course). Indonesian kreteks are made of the finest natural-grown cloves and tobacco and have a spicy aromatic-taste. Others say they taste like bonfires.


9. Miniature airbrushed surfboard on a wooden stand. Very popular and a more utterly useless gift you could not imagine. Perfect.

10. Indonesian krupuk udang (prawn crackers). Indonesia has the world’s largest variety of krupuk and the main producing areas are Sidoarjo in East Java and Garut in West Java. Buy the ones that need to be deep fried in oil rather than the ready to eat variety which will either go soggy or turn to crumbs in a long journey home. Once chucked in the hot oil the former variety will expand from thumb-sized semi-transparent chips into wonderful white fluffy crackers - just like popcorn. But the real fun can be had in cooking them up in a microwave oven – cook ‘em too long and they explode into a zillion pieces! All in all, a great present for angst-ridden teens looking for an anarchist diversion.

>All good things must come to an end.

It’s your last day in Bali and you’ve got to check out of your hotel by 12 noon. But your flight isn’t until 8.00pm. So what to do?

Well, in the old days tourists would pretty much just hang out wherever they happened to be – Kuta, Ubud, Sanur etc – but now - with the ever increasing traffic in Bali - that isn’t such a good idea anymore.

Sundays are particularly bad and I’ll never forget the time I suffered a nerve wracking two hours chewing my fingernails down to the bone after being caught up in one of Kuta’s seemingly interminable Sunday afternoon traffic jams (it took 2 hours to get out of the madness and onto the main road to the airport).

So what to do?

Well, why not wait at Jimbaran?

Cos from the airport, Jimbaran is really close and will only take 10-15 minutes by car or taxi.

Formerly a real backwater, Jimbaran has developed over the years – but still retains its “sleepy fishing village” charm.



The sandy beach is much cleaner than Kuta’s and is also safe for swimming.



In recent years Jimbaran has become famous for its outdoor seafood restaurants which serve, er grilled seafood (best washed down with copious quantities of ice cold Bintang of course).

The prices are pretty good by European standards – although pricey by Indonesian standards – so make sure you know how much the seafood costs before you order.

If you’re here in the early evening and the weather is right, Jimbaran is also a fine place to witness a spectacular sunset.

Jimbaran is certainly a great way to end your holiday in Bali.


But don’t enjoy it too much – or you might miss your taxi!

You will never understand bureaucracies until you understand that for bureaucrats procedure is everything and outcomes are nothing.

>Thomas Sowell (American Writer and Economist, b.1930)

Few people have anything good to say about Indonesian bureaucracy.

There is no tradition of public service and the general view is that the civil servants in Indonesia are there simply to line their own pockets rather than – God forbid – actually provide any services to the public.

This paragraph, from the Living in Indonesia website, pretty much sums it up:

To request a service from a government employee is to beg a boon, and is expected to be accompanied by a discreet gift; an envelope of cash is standard. Failure to offer one is normally perceived as a personal insult and seen as highly disrespectful...it will almost certainly see your request sent to the bottom of the pile or lost altogether.

But is Indonesian bureaucracy really that bad?

Well, perhaps not.

I say this because in my case I’ve just come back from my hols and realized that my British passport needs to be renewed pretty soon.

So I go online to download the application form, but then to my complete amazement I read this:

Passports services for British nationals in South East Asian countries are issued at the British Consulate-General in Hong Kong. This is part of a global initiative to rationalise passport services and reduce administration costs while ensuring that the quality of service remains high.

WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yep, you read it right. If you are a Brit living in any South East Asian country you now have to apply to Hong Kong to get a new passport!

Under the new centralized system you should expect to wait FOUR WEEKS to get your new passport, so I fail to understand how the new service “ensures a high quality of service.

Pity the unfortunate bugger who loses his passport in Bali on holiday - he's gonna be in for a hell of a time.

Besides the long waiting time, the new system is also a lot more complicated logistically of course as the paperwork has to be sent by courier to Hong Kong and payment needs to be made by either credit card or International Banker’s Draft if you apply directly yourself (*). What a pain in the arse.

And the cost? A cool £154.50 for a 48 page passport plus HK$185 in courier fees!

Wow!

And what do I read in Kompas today?

Well, that the Indonesians have made big efforts to improve their passport service too: just Rp270,000 for a passport (US$30!!!) and ready in just FOUR DAYS.

Now that’s what I call service.

And no, if you live in Manado you don’t have to apply for your passport in Jakarta either!

(*) after speaking to the friendly lady at the British Consulate in Jakarta it seems they will help send your application to Hong Kong for you and also accept the payment in rupiah. Very helpful, if like me, you don’t have a credit card (why not? Read this)

Update (26 July 2010): Getting into the British Consulate is about as easy as getting into Fort Knox. There are four security checks – two done by the building management and two conducted by the Consulate itself. At the Consulate security check, the security guard asks me if I have anything in my pockets, and upon seeing me take out a potential weapon of mass destruction (a bunch of keys), asks me to put them on the desk and put my hands up, before frisking me.

Once you actually get inside the Consulate, you find yourself in a tiny waiting room with BBC World being shown on the TV and a picture of “Her Majesty” on the wall. Notices reassure you that the British Consulate provides its services in a “courteous” manner but also warn that anyone who shouts or screams will be ejected. It’s all so very civilized. Wonderful. I also notice that there’s even a collection box by the counter for “destitute Brits” back in Old Blighty. Charity starts at home, eh?

The lady behind the counter is Indonesian and wearing a hijab. She is polite and efficient but rather “distant” and only offers the slightest of wry smiles when I say that the British passport must be made of gold leaf as it’s costing me a cool Rp2.7 million for a 48 pager. Anyway I pay the money, exchange the usual British pleasantries, and am on my way...

Gus Teja were the main act on the last day of the 2010 Ubud Festival – a musical and arts festival so laid back and unassuming that when we sat down in the front row at the time things were supposed to kick off, there were only a few other people there. But Gus Teja – a sort of Balinese version of those ancient hippies Jethro Tull – played well and soon attracted a decent crowd. Good stuff. And the beautiful Balinese dancers who followed weren’t half bad either!

Every country has its bugbears. For the English it’s the daleks. These extraterrestrial creatures are enclosed inside mechanical casing and are so terrifying that “hiding behind the sofa while the daleks threaten to exterminate their enemies” has become a ritual for many schoolchildren growing up in England.

Indonesia doesn’t have daleks but it does have an equally terrifying foe – the communists – who, like the daleks, are hell bent on “universal conquest and domination, utterly without pity, compassion or remorse”.

The fear of communism is so great in Indonesia that a bunch of leftists have only just been granted permission to return to their Indonesian “motherland” from Russia – after 48 years!

And in East Java, religious fanatics have threatened to beat up PDIP politician Ribka Tjiptaning because her father was (probably) a member of the now outlawed Indonesian Communist Party (PKI)!

So be warned. The red menace is still around - even if you can’t see it. But how red are YOU? Well, take the following quiz to determine if you need to sign up for some “political re-education”. Before it’s too late!

1. What sort of market in Jakarta would you rather shop at?
a) A traditional “wet market”
b) Carrefour
c) Markets are for capitalists stupid! You shop at the only state store in Jakarta (Sarinah) – but have a tough time feeding yourself on a diet of handicrafts and clothes.

2. Which of the following can the Papuans NOT be considered to be:
a) A nation
b) A nation of a new type
c) Happy
d) A super-exploited sector of the working class
e) Please send me more information about this controversial group

3. Which of the following is NOT an appropriate policy response to easing the congestion on Jakarta’s roads?
a) force the small time capitalist vendors and food sellers who take up road space to close down by arresting them and sending them to reeducation camps
b) Force the peasants to bike to work while allocating the bus lanes for the exclusive use of cars belonging to cardholding party members
c) Scrap fuel subsidies as they “distort the market”

4. What statue in Jakarta should be torn down?
a) The communist inspired Farmer’s Statue
b) The communist inspired Pizza Man Statue
c) The statue of a young “Yankee Bastard” in Indonesian school uniform

5. What’s your favorite tipple?
a) Mansion House Gin
b) Mister’s Whiskey
c) Smirnoff

6. Who most deserve to win the 2010 World Cup?
a) Brazil
b) Spain
c) North Korea

7. Why do the Madurese carry around sickles?
a) to cut the rice
b) to use on someone in an act of revenge
c) because they are secretly preparing for the upcoming revolution and want to be ready when it comes

8. What do you smoke?
a) Gudang Garam filters
b) Djarum 234 non-filters
c) authentic commie smokes (Cuban Montecrisco cigars at US$315 a box)

9. Which of the following statements about American footwear producer Nike is true?
a) Nike like to set up companies in communist countries like China and Vietnam because wages are low and trade union power is weak
b) Nike factories in Indonesia pay higher wages than locally owned factories and should not be closed down or taken over by the state.
c) You are a hip commie and very happy with the Rp799,000 Nike sports shoes you purchased at Sports Station recently.

10. Which of the following does NOT pose a threat to the Indonesian revolutionary struggle in the present epoch?
a) The IMF, World Bank and other neo-liberal financial organizations
b) The religious right
c) The great Kim Jong II
d) Peter Porn

KEY: If you answered mostly (c) you could be a “Red Menace”. Get help now!



Here today, gone tomorrow: May Day rally of PKI supporters in 1965