Alterity | Jakarta and Bali

What do you call an Afghan virgin. Mever bin laid on The bright lights beckon. Village life is boring. It’s time to get out. So the three young village girls put on some makeup and grab a ride in a truck carrying the locally-grown vegetables to madcap Jakarta. Upon arriving in the big smelly Durian, they panic – they don’t know anyone who lives here. And worse than that, they have no money! And then, of course, they bump into a guy who can solve all their problems – although it does mean working in the world’s oldest profession. An old story you might think. Yes it is. But things quickly change and the plot takes more absurd turns than the ongoing saga involving a dodgy tax official named Gayus. So what do the three girls do? Well, they agree. But only provided they remain virgins! WTF? But it’s a tricky matter to remain a virgin if you’re on the game, and things rapidly deteriorate when the girls’ first client meets a sticky end in their hotel. So now they’re fugitives and wishing the...

Possibly Indonesia’s best-known hero is Prince Diponegoro, a Javanese prince from the Royal Kraton of Yogyakarta, and resistance fighter against Dutch colonialism. Despite causing heavy losses on the Dutch side, the Prince’s rebellion ultimately failed, however, and he was eventually exiled to Makassar, South Sulawesi, where he died in 1855. Jakarta has constructed two statues in his honor. The first and better known statue is at Freedom Square, while a smaller statue (shown below) was put up in the plush diplomatic area of Menteng , on a street named after him and only as recently as December 2005.

Many of the major roads in Indonesian cities and towns are named after Indonesian revolutionary heroes and the main thoroughfare through Jakarta, Jalan MH Thamrin, is no different. Unlike many Indonesian revolutionary heroes, however, Thamrin was not a former general and wasn’t even in the military. Rather, he was a politician who believed that Indonesia’s independence could be achieved through cooperation with the Dutch colonial government. Although this didn’t turn out to be the case, Thamrin’s ideas were influential and he was one of the first to propose that the Dutch terms Nederlands Indie, Nederland Indische and Inlander (Dutch Indies, Dutch Indian, and Dutch Indians) be replaced with the nationalist terms Indonesia, Indonesisch, and Indonesier (Indonesia, Indonesian, and Indonesians). As a member of Volksraad (the Dutch People’s Council), Thamrin and others went to Sumatra to look into the working conditions at the plantations there and was disgusted by what he saw. Quite ...

Hell, this is classic! An advert warning parents to monitor their kids’ internet activity and TV viewing habits by depicting a… @#(#$!!!! Well, I ain’t sure what you can see – but to me it looks like a woman’s eye on its side! This highly creative advert is for Malaysia (of all places!) but was created in… … Jakarta, Indonesia! Advertising Agency: DraftFCB, Jakarta, Indonesia Creative Director: Widyalupi Nonis Art Director: Ridward Ongsano Copywriter: Rina Putri DI Artist: C Production Photographer: Gerard Adi Published: August 2010 Note: although the ad was indeed created at the above agency, it had never been approved by the agency or passed onto a client – but was leaked by one of the agency’s employees who is reportedly “no longer with the company” Even so it’s a great ad. As I’m sure Tifatul would agree!!!

I've seen everything imaginable Pass before these eyes  I've had everything that's tangible  Honey you'd be surprised   >Rocket Queen by Guns N' Roses    “Every dog has its day” goes the old saying.   Yep, that’s certainly true for Tanamur - although in the case of that legendary establishment a more apt expression might be “every bitch has its day” considering that the disco’s goodtime girls of the late 1990s are most probably not goodtime girls any longer (one hopes!), as a good number of years have now passed since Tanamur’s popularity reached its zenith in 1997/98.  I always loved Tanamur. Unlike virtually all other nightclubs in Jakarta, Tanamur was located in its own building and not within the safety of a large and anonymous shopping mall, or worst still, in some antiseptic and thoroughly cringeworthy 5 star hotel.  As a result of this “structural” freedom, the owner of Tanamur (*) was in the position to allow his establishment to b...

Bars have mushroomed up all over the place in the last few years and one of the better ones is Tree House, an eminently artsy affair, which is just about eccentric enough to avoid accusations of being too dull and snobby. Make no mistake, however, this is a far cry from the girly bars located on the block several kilometers away, and, in my opinion, all the better for it.  The best thing about the bar, though, is the upstairs balcony area which has a beer garden feel to it – despite the use of astroturf carpets! Downstairs a gnarled tree takes up one corner of the bar. This is fine but be careful if you drink too much or you could get a branch in the eye! The bar owners have Italian and Belgian connections and this explains the interesting menu – a mix of Italian (pasta) and more typical bar food (hot dogs, chicken wings etc). Well worth a visit. Especially since the clientele - when I was there at least - was equally as impressive! Tree House Jl. Kemang 1 No. 72, Ke...

Take a goat, kill it and skin it (no I ain’t gonna provide a picture) Using a machete chop up the meat into small chunks and thread them onto wooden skewers. Mix sweet soy sauce with oil, and dip the meat on the skewers into this mixture. Grill over hot charcoal until golden brown. Serve immediately with chilies, sweet soy sauce and copious quantities of ice cold Beer Bintang from the fridge!!! Sate kambing: Indonesia’s goat population is now down a half. Was it worth it? You bet it was!!! Baa!!!!!!!

Padang Padang Beach is the beach made famous by American actress Julia Roberts in her much maligned film “Eat Pray Love”. The beach is accessible from Jalan Labuhan Sait, Pecatu, and about a 15-minute drive from the huge – yet uncompleted - statue of the Hindu God Vishnu at the Garuda Wisnu Kencana Cultural Park . Just follow the road and look for the off-street parking sign. To get to the beach from the car park it’s a 5-minute walk on a path which takes you through a narrow crevice between some huge rocks. I’m pleased to say that this beach is a huge improvement on the now ruined and overly-commercialized Dreamland Beach which is not far away. The sea at Padang Padang is really calm and some people even do a bit of snorkeling – not that they will find too much sea life though! Further out, however, and there are some big breaks and this explains why Padang Padang has become famous as Bali’s premier surf spot despite being very dangerous because of the exposed rocks. A...

There are a lot of garish looking buildings in Jakarta, but this one really takes the biscuit! Green Club & Resto, The Jl. Kemang Raya No. 25, Jakarta Telp: (021) 718-1555 View My Saved Places in a larger map

Sanity is not statistical. >Orwell I was over at the Ministry of Forestry and Plantations and spotted one of those huge propaganda-type banners that Indonesia is still very fond of producing. A throwback to more autocratic times perhaps, but always good for a bit of critical deconstruction. This particular one shows SBY doing a bit of gardening, or more precisely planting a tree: Not that SBY would ever actually plant a tree himself, of course – he wouldn’t want to get his hands dirty – it’s more of a metaphor for his support of the Forestry Ministry’s target of planting an astonishing one billion trees in Indonesia in 2010. One billion trees!! But isn’t that quite a lot? I mean it’s around 4 trees for every man, woman and child in this country, considering the population of around 260 million. But just like all Truespeak propaganda, the Ministry’s claim doesn’t hold up of course. Cos the one billion figure quoted is actually the number conjured out of the air by the United Nations ...

Having cut short his trip to Indonesia after Michelle’s humiliating public molestation, President Obama has had strong words with his best pal SBY:

UPDATE 12/10/2018: due to the large number of hits this page has been receiving of late, readers should note that two of the spas on the list are, alas, no longer with us. They are: 1) Hotel Alexis , which was closed down for political reasons by the new Jakarta Governor Anies Baswedan and 2) Illigals , which was "closed" and promptly reopened with a new name due to its reputation as a drugs den. In place of Hotel Alexis, therefore, I would instead put Classic Hotel on the list - a real humdinger of a joint in this madcap city! A list of the top ten plus plus spas in Jakarta? Okay, without further ado (or should that be aduh!!!) here it is: 10. Malioboro Spa . Over cynical and commercial yet fun if you stick with it – a bit like watching Chelsea on one of their better days. Hey that’s a point – even Torres could score here! Hahaha! Wallet damage: Rp1million ++ 9. Emporium Spa . Overpriced but the facilities are pretty good. Go for the “one hour special package” if yo...

Good timing this: I need a new bike and it’s the third day of the Jakarta 2010 Motorcycle Show. So I head over to the Jakarta Convention Center last Saturday evening with the intention of finding out from the good people at Honda whether they are actually gonna stop pissing around and finally release a decent motorcycle in Indonesia.  It’s jam-packed as you can imagine and the main assembly hall has stands for the major motorcycle manufactures operating in Indonesia.  To get punters over to their stands, the motorcycle manufactures have resorted to the thing that best sells sleek and sexy bikes with loud throbbing engines: SPGs (sales promotion girls)   At the Honda stand I ask the Honda people about the bike I am interested in: the Honda CBR250RR. And yes, they tell me, it will be launched in Indonesia!!!! So I put my name down on Honda’s waiting list – apparently along with about 95 others – and check out the beast in the flesh, so to speak. And as you can see...

One of the best indications of whether a restaurant in Jakarta is any good or not – whether it’s a tiny little roadside warung or a posh and expensive restaurant – is how busy it is. Bums on seats is a very positive sign. This may be an old rule but it rarely fails. From this indication at least, the upmarket Loewy’s should be a very good restaurant – it always seems to be busy at any time of the day and at weekends it can be very difficult to get a seat. A huge plus point in Loewy’s favor is its location – NOT inside some huge mall which is a nightmare to reach - but easily accessible in Mega Kuningan, near to the Chinese Embassy and a stone’s throw away from the Marriott and Ritz Carlton hotels. Most impressively though, Loewy’s owners had the vision to do something almost unique in Jakarta – offer some outdoor seating! Add some candles to each table and what have you got? A relaxed and romantic venue which is the perfect place to take a date. No wonder the place is always full...

During Ramadan The sound of drums being beaten in the morning to wake up residents for their pre-fast meal. Performing monkeys Hear this sound and you know there will be a “performing monkeys” show in your area soon!     Real monkeys at Ragunan Zoo   Martin Jenkins · Monkeys At Ragunan

Club Tropicana, drinks are free, Fun and sunshine - there's enough for everyone. All that's missing is the sea… ~Wham! Well, that’s not entirely true of course, as the drinks at Jakarta’s Tropical Spa are most definitely not free and the city’s horrendous pollution stops a lot of the sunshine from getting through. Fun, however, is available in copious quantities thanks to an army of well-drilled young therapists who take a very hands on approach to ensuring customer satisfaction. In many ways, what goes on at Tropical Spa Jakarta is very much in the ethos of a wild and uninhibited Club 18 holiday. And I’m sure I don’t have to tell you why that is! In terms of practicalities, you should watch out for one thing: it can be quite hard to find the spa if you are going there for the first time. The spa is actually located just behind the Roxy Mas ITC mall, so you need to leave the mall via the rear entrance, before turning left on the first street, and then looking for a impos...

For indolent blighters like myself, street food is our savior. After all, we can’t live on pizza forever and there are times when even a journey to the kitchen to rustle up an omelet is too much hard work. Thankfully, though, we have plenty of street foods to choose from in Jakarta. Here are some of ‘em: 1. Nasi goreng . Back home in Blighty the Scots like to clog up their arteries by pigging out on deep-fried mars bars. But over here things are different and the preferred dish is “fat-drenched rice”, or better known as nasi goreng. Horses for courses if you ask me, but either way you are well on the road to a coronary before your 45th birthday if you gobble down too much of this stuff.  Yet nasi goreng is a very versatile dish, and it can be served for either breakfast, lunch or dinner – although you really wouldn’t want to eat it three times a day. The best nasi goreng I’ve ever had has been in Surabaya, where it’s red - rather than brown – apparently due to the addition of whole...

CJ’s is a popular hotel bar located not far from the historic Senayan football stadium.  But like most luxury hotel bars, its mind-bogglingly expensive – a glass of beer here will cost you about the same as a decent steak served in a typical Jakarta restaurant!  So why does it remain popular? Because it is popular! Noone wants to go to a quiet nightclub, so they come here.  Although it does attract some expats, most of the clientele is made up of business travelers - and that unfortunately means a lot of chickens (cluck, cluck) on the hunt for greenback (much like BATS at the Shangri-La).  The bar is busiest at weekends although the Ladies Nights on Tuesdays AND Thursdays can also be rewarding...   CJ’s Bar Jakarta Hotel Mulia Senayan Jalan Asia Afrika Telp (021) 574 7777 Opening hours: Monday - Thursday: 5:00 pm - 2:00 am Friday - Saturday: 5:00 pm - 3:00 am Sunday: 5:00 pm - 2:00 am

A riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma. ~ Winston Churchill Located just off Jakarta’s main thoroughfare of Jalan Sudirman lies one of the city’s most bizarre streets: Jalan Blora. The street is not particularly long and has a scuzzy , down-to-earth feel about it, a bit like either Jalan Jaksa – which is known for its budget hotels – or Jalan Falatehan - which is known for its girly bars. Jalan Blora’s claim to fame – if you can call it that – are a couple of distinctly dodgy dangdut discos which provide lowbrow entertainment for (mostly) Indonesian men who still haven’t come to terms with the fact that we are no longer living in the 1970’s. However, on one corner of the street lies one of Jakarta’s epicurean gems: the excellent Ikan Tude Manado. The restaurant’s décor is unassuming and very much in traditional canteen-style with old fashioned metal chairs, simple wooden tables and large spinning fans. Marvelous. As for the food, well it’s quite simply superb...

In an astute move which is expected to make him even more popular in Indonesia than he already is, US President Barack Obama has announced that he will be accompanied on his upcoming trip to Jakarta by the delectable Pamela Anderson! The sexy showbiz star is taking the opportunity to visit Indonesia so that she can hand over the US$25,000 of funds she raised (by modeling nude, what else?) to the victims of the recent disasters in Mentawai and Central Java. A positively beaming Obama is obviously delighted to have new “company” on his trip. “Besides, it should be a hell of a lot more fun without Michelle just tagging along,” he explained. Obama’s itinerary on 10 November 2010 is said to include the following: 1) A visit to Istiqlal Mosque . Nothing gives more credence to the claims by right-wing crazies that Obama is a closet Muslim than high-profile mosque visits. Obama just wants to bait them more. Mesjid Istiqlal (Istiqlal Mosque) is impressive for its size rather than its be...

After a very long hiatus, reluctant pawn star Cut Tari is twittering again!!! This is great news, of course, and I think it shows that Cut Tari is finally laying to rest the ghosts of her cheating past. Good for you Cut Tari! But just remember: don’t make the same mistake twice!!! Along with her 250,000+ fans, you can read her twits here .