Alterity | Jakarta and Bali

Has the sun finally set on Nu China? Well quite possibly. Nope it’s not that bad a place but I’ve always believed in the old adage that if you want to do something then do it properly. No half measures. So why visit this little club in Kemang when you could be experiencing the raw and decadent clubs in Jakarta’s Chinatown? Nightclubs so large you can literally get lost in ‘em. Places like Sydney 2000 , Sun City and, my pick of the bunch, Stadium . All legendary venues worth enjoying until the early hours, until, inevitably, you crawl back to some strange hotel and wake up around lunchtime with an even stranger girl next to you. Nu China is, by comparison, a droll affair. Pretentious it may be but the crowds are never big. More like Wigan-home-to-Reading than Madrid-away-to-Man-U. Some pretty girls do make it here but not in large numbers. You also have to pay an admission fee – even midweek. Not great. But if you really do want to party in Kemang, then the wilder Triple 9 mi...

Lake Bratan is Bali’s second largest lake and a peaceful retreat away from the beer-swilling hordes who stay in Kuta and other places in the south of the island. It’s cool up here as the lake is over 700 meters above sea level but, to be honest, it’s a bit of a disappointment overall and not a patch on the much more spectacular Lake Batur , which is not that far away.  The problem is that there is simply not that much to do! Yes, you can walk around the lake, and perhaps if you’re daring (or foolish), try to rent one of the boats – although the astronomically high price demanded will probably put you off.  Still, it’s nice to get some fresh air in your lungs – especially if you spend most of the year living in a large city like I do.  Located on the west side of the lake, however, is one of the most iconic of all Bali temples – second only to Tanah Lot .  It’s called Pura Ulun Danu Bratan (Lake Bratan Temple) and gives the impression to the causal observer that it i...

A man goes for an audition at a local club. "You'd better not be a hypnotist, they're not welcome here." "Well I'm not a hypnotist, I'm a singer. But, anyway, what's wrong with a hypnotist?" "Well we had one a couple days ago with 10 people on stage in a trance when he tripped over the microphone wire and shouted 'Shit'. ….we've been clearing up ever since." Hahaha! But how to hypnotise someone? Well, there are a number of different ways. The traditional way, of course, is to swing a pocket watch like a pendulum, but here in Java, the Sundanese way to bring someone into a state of trance is by showing them a barely-dressed sexy young woman: And if the woman is performing on stage – perhaps singing an upbeat dangdut ditty – then the hypnotized males will only be too happy to reel off bank note after bank note from their wallets, giving them to the singer (Ayu in this case), until their wallets are well and truly empty. This i...

Uluwatu is a large limestone peninsula, connected to the rest of Bali by a narrow stretch of land just south of the airport. It’s a dry place, best known for: 1) its rugged coastline and surfer beaches;  2) a bizarre statue which, if ever completed, would be the world’s largest; and 3) a wonderful temple which teeters precariously on high cliffs with rocks and boulders far below.   One slip, and you're a goner.     And it’s also become popular among extremely affluent tourists looking for secluded and luxurious accommodation in Bali. They stay at places like Alila Villas Uluwatu, a “postmodern clifftop resort” which features one of the world’s most decadent swimming pools according to The National.  But I bet the owner of the Alila Villas has now got out his map and is anxiously trying to gauge how far the villas exactly are from the sacred Uluwatu Temple. Because if it’s less than 5 kilometers he might be in some trouble: Bali Governor I Made Mangku Pastik...

Whatever you may feel about this sprawling club in downtown Kota, you can’t say the owners of Illigals haven’t got a sense of humor.  Illigals indeed!  Hahaha!!! Within the glitzy, gauchy slab of postmodern architecture are various facilities:  1) On the fifth floor is The Hotel with rooms starting from Rp250,000. Naturally, most guests don’t come here to sleep!  2) The Spa is located on the fourth floor. Treatments start at Rp150,000 but for a more invigorating experience you’ll have to pay much more.  3) It’s not only about lower body gratification at this club, as the extensive Karaoke facilities – one massive President Suite, six Royal Suites and 46 Deluxe rooms - should satisfy even the most demanding crooner.   4) The Lounge is an international standard restaurant – whatever that means - which serves a variety of cuisines and imaginatively entitled beverages such as Bed Rest, Fussy Girl, Hotline, Lady in Red and GString. Slurrrp!!!  ...

A waterpark in the tropics. And they call it SNOWBAY?!!! I mean wtf?!!!! Yeah I should have heeded this ominous warning. But I didn’t. So it’s on with the new speedo swimming trunks, which although a couple of sizes too small, are nonetheless highly effective in keeping at bay the conservatively-dressed mums - and their hyperactive offspring. We arrived at the Taman Mini complex about an hour after leaving home - and then had to complete as many circuits as you’d expect to find in your average F1 grand prix race before finally managing to nail a parking spot. So around 10.30 on a Saturday morning, and we make our way into the waterpark, and whilst not quite expecting any snow, I am still amazed by what I can see – The place is bloody packed! And when I say packed, I mean PACKED – a veritable “seething mass of humanity”, with people EVERYWHERE. This I was told later was the wonder of promotion – free tickets for the shoppers at local hypermarkets – and cut price deals for the dreaded sc...

Bali's most remote hotel? Well, that might sound like a strange concept on an island overrun with sun burnt tourists in the south, but in East Bali, where serenity still reigns (for the time being at least), it gets pretty quiet on the coastal road, and almost at its end you can find the Eka Purnama cottages, one of Bali's most remote hotels. A few minutes walk away from the hotel is a beach where, if conditions are right, you can snorkel the wreak of an old Japanese boat. And as for the evenings, it's very very quiet, so don't forget to bring plenty of reading material or a willing lover! Eka Purnama Cottages Banyuning Karangasem Bali Indonesia 80852 Telp: +62 (0)828 372 2642

With the Indonesian economy now booming, Kemang is pretty much unrecognizable from the sleepy suburb it was only a decade ago. In fact, so many restaurants, bars and cafes have opened up in Kemang in recent years that the familiar macet (traffic jam) afflicts this posh district even on Sunday afternoons (as I discovered to my cost only last week!) In the bar-cum-restaurant segment of the market, the competition has got incredibly tough and any newcomer will have to challenge not only the well-established drinking holes - like Eastern Promise and Die Stube - but also the growing number of new places opening up. But are there enough punters out there to justify all these new bar openings? After all, the numbers of expats are not growing that rapidly. It must surely hinge, then, on whether the increased levels of economic prosperity will encourage more Indonesians to turn to the proverbial bottle. I have my doubts but perhaps they will. After all, alcohol and city stress cer...

“ Those who hurt others will also hurt themselves.” ~ Natsuki Takaya Kimochi. No, Kimochii. Or better still Kimochii!!!!!!!! – with a really long drawn out final i – the Japanese way to say "Ooh, what a feeling” and a perfectly apt name for this spa-cum-massage joint in the heart of Jakarta’s infamous Mangga Besar district. Think of the Japanese and what they are famous for and you will think of stuff like sushi, samurai, kamikaze, Geisha girls, manga, kimonos and koi. And of course sexual fetishes - mostly merely wacky and bizarre, yet others more disturbing than erotic, and some even flirting dangerously close to the line which divides the morally acceptable from the amorously abhorrent. Are these the Asian “values” we are so often reminded of? Probably not. But it would be good if they were. In one particularly famous seijin (or adult magna), the story revolves around the life of Koizumi Shintarou, a 30 year old man who has been isolated in his room for 15 years....

Masa kini internet sangat berguna. Kita perlu untuk beragam alasan termasuk menelopon orang secara gratis (Skype), social networking (Twitter, Facebook, etc), cari informasi, belajar, membaca berita, dll. Cara access internet juga beragam. Kita bisa memakai smartphone, tablet (seperti IPAD), laptop, netbook dan PC juga. Begitu enaknya ada wifi di rumah! Dengan wifi kita bisa access internet di kamar manapun di rumah oleh alat apapun yang kita memiliki! Dan MULTIMEDIA FILE (music, film, dll) yang ada di PC kita, juga bisa dibaca oleh gadget wifi kita (seperti tablet, laptop, dll). Enakkan? Tapi sangat mahal juga? Sebenarnya tidak!!!! Ada cara untuk bikin wifi sangat murah (sekitar Rp500k + pembayaran bulanan cuma Rp49k!!!!!). THIS IS WHAT YOU NEED: 1) PC. Kemungkinan besar kamu sudah punya PC. Tapi anda tidak punya PC yang baru? Jangan khawatir! Untuk bikin wifi di rumah kita tidak perlu PC yg canggih. Cukup dengan PC Pentium biasa. 2) Router TP-LINK model TL-MR3420 . T...

Atlantis. That legendary island which has proved elusive since it was first mentioned in Plato's dialogues Timaeus and Critias, written way back in 360 BC. But is the search now finally over? Well possibly yes - at least for those looking for a mystical and other worldly experience in the hallowed hunting grounds of Mangga Besar, West Jakarta. Six huge columns are built into the huge edifice, and whilst not as elegant as the Egyptian inspired Oasis , the Atlantis does attract a loyal following despite the stiff competition (sic) in the area (the infamous Hotel Travel is literally only a stone’s throw away). But for many, the allure of Atlantis is impossible to beat. Or as Thomas More once famously wrote: Utopia!!!   Atlantis Spa Jl. Mangga Besar VIII, no. 3 West Jakarta Telp: (+62) 21 - 6289275

Well, well, well. Jakarta’s Potato Head has made it onto the international scene by getting a review in that most illustrious of American finance rags, The Wall Street Journal! And it’s a pretty good review too! Sure not perfect - but good enough nonetheless to swell Potato Head’s head to some humongously large size, or, barring that, make steam come out of its ears! The review lauds Potato Head’s “gastropub favorites”, giving praise in particular to the clam chowder served over a buttery puff pastry (55,000 rupiah), the grilled wagyu beef burgers (120,000 rupiah), and the baby pig casserole (120,000 rupiah) which features “tender baby pig” with crispy cracklings and imported white bean stew. The restaurant also gets kudos for its deserts, which like a beautiful and sexy woman, are almost impossible to resist. Who could say no, for example, to the warm sticky toffee date pudding (55,000 rupiah), a simply wonderful indulgence which is “unfussy, sweet and rich, complete with a scoop of ...

Mirrors on the ceiling, Drink champagne all nice And she said 'We are all just prisoners here, of our own device. ~ The Eagles One late afternoon, a Dutch tourist was walking around the historic Pasar Baru district of central Jakarta, conjuring up images in his mind of what the place must have looked like in the years leading up to Indonesia’s independence. A lot less busy. A lot less noisy. And for sure, a lot less cars! But unaccustomed to Jakarta’s oppressive heat the tourist was soon flagging. He had to do something. And he did. He took one glance at the huge and gaudy edifice in front of him and went inside. It was a decision that would change his life forever… Inside he found himself in a large reception area. It was pretty much like any other hotel reception area with the ubiquitous chandelier and gold-leaf imitation trim. But something felt strange to the Dutchman. The staff smiled at him as if he had a secret and they knew what it was. “Just what the fuck is go...

Sleaze and shopping. That’s what’s on offer at Plaza Atrium in the Senen area of central Jakarta - where, on the 5th floor in particular, a motley assortment of freelancers (many ABG) loiter with suspicious intent. Don’t say you haven’t been warned. Or should that be informed?

An Englishman will go to great lengths to track down a curry house – even if this means going into one of Jakarta’s most-ostentatious shopping malls, the ridiculously over-the-top and snobby Pacific Place, a refuge from the city’s mayhem for Jakarta’s 1 percent. After finally finding the restaurant tucked away on the fourth floor, I was feeling incredibly peckish and got down to giving our orders. Ordering a curry here is easy. You specify the type of curry sauce – I chose Rogan Gosh – the type of rice (white, yellow, buttered?), how hot you want it (from mild up to raging hot), and the type of topping (chicken, fish, vegetarian etc). Some variations are possible. You can pay a little extra, for example, to have naan bread instead of rice. The curries promptly came and were soon devoured… Verdict The Restaurant : bright, clean, cheerful, small, not claustrophobic (good views of inside the mall!) The Taste : for convenience food, the curry was excellent. Not a particula...

The effects of gentrification and a burgeoning middle class are manifold in Jakarta, and include among them the proliferation of the automobile and the opening of many trendy eateries, such as this one, Poste Kitchen and Bar in Kuningan, South Jakarta. A lot of effort – and presumably money – has been spent to create the top notch décor that Jakarta’s nouveau riche now demand; a far cry it must be said from the simple charms of a street side warteg. Yet the warm and welcoming ambience didn’t wholly convince me. It was too artificial and contrived. As if I was being tricked into believing that this modern shoe box really did have some character. Ambience aside, and onto the menu. Equally contrived, of course, but then again that is the stated intention of fusion cuisine. You know the stuff: Fish and Chips, Yaki Beef Burger, Mac and Cheese, WTF! The city slickers will certainly be in their element here. The question is, however: do you really want to join them?   Poste Kitc...

“ No culture can live, if it attempts to be exclusive. ” >Mahatma Gandhi Nusa Dua is a “gated” resort area in South Bali where well-heeled holidaymakers are pretty much guaranteed that they don’t have to rub shoulders with the local riff-raff – other than those employed at their luxurious 5 star hotels of course.  A pretty bizarre notion I’m sure you’ll agree. After all, isn’t travel supposed to be about opening your mind to other ideas and cultures rather than seeking isolation and detachment from the world around you? And this, remember, in possibly the most cultured island in the world! Why would anyone want to be isolated here? So how did this ever happen? Well, it all goes back (inevitably) to the rent seeking ways of former president Suharto who connived with international hotel operators to transform this once pretty-much deserted and tranquil part of Bali into the upmarket holiday haven it is today.  The Balinese protests fell on deaf ears at the time and garg...

If you're blue and you don't know where to go to Why don't you go where fashion sits, Puttin' on the ritz. ~ Fred Astaire Pondok Indah is Jakarta’s Beverly Hills. You have the palm tree lined streets, huge Palladian style houses and swank shopping malls. The people are either rich or aspiring rich. But even the wealthy have whims, and if they are unwilling to make the long journey out of their upmarket comfort zone, they need not fear: help is at hand. Literally in this case at Rizz Spa, a very small and respectable spa-cum-massage joint which offers the usual services and a happy ending – but no more than that. Not bad if all you need is a couple of hours of relaxing treatment to relieve the stresses of a long week’s work in Jakarta. A visit to North Jakarta can wait. RIZZ Spa Jl. Margaguna Raya Ruko Plaza 5 Blok 10 D Pondok Indah South Jakarta Telp: (021) 724 7260 Opening hours: 10am to 10.30pm