“Indonesia” is the big, older brother who didn’t quite make it, living in a cheap rented house on the outskirts of Jakarta, and twice divorced.

His little brother “Malaysia”, in contrast, is nuevo-rich, stylish and confident – some would say cocky - and owns a luxurious apartment in uptown KL.

No wonder there’s no love lost between the two countries.

Sukarno didn’t like Malaysia much either and famously tried to “crush them” (Ganyang Malaysia) under his konfrontasi polices back in the 60’s. Read about that here.

Some 50 years later and the two countries are set to meet in the final of the Asean Football Federation Suzuki Cup, a two-leg affair that will either end in glory or soul crushing disappointment depending on who wins.

But which is the better country? Well, here’s my analysis. In the spirit of MTV’s Celebrity Deathmatch of course!

Freedom of Speech. Well there’s no contest here: Indonesia has a dynamic publishing and broadcasting industry while Malaysia persecutes bloggers and decides what things Malaysians read about and don’t read about (Indonesia *****, Malaysia no stars)

Democracy. Malaysia’s political system is designed to keep the government in, while Indonesia shows them how it should be done (Indonesia ****, Malaysia no stars).

Religious freedom. Still remember Lina Joy? Enough said. Again Indonesia is ahead of the game even if a minority of extremists do continue to pose a real threat (Indonesia ***, Malaysia **)

Chicks. Again a no brainer. Indonesian chicks are much hotter. Even the Malaysians will admit this – and some of ‘em are even coming over to Indonesia to find a hot Indonesian girlfriend just like the lovely Bunga Citra Lestari. (Indonesia *****, Malaysia **)

Indonesian girls like Bunga Citra Lestari are much in demand in Malaysia

The English (Norman Tebbit) cricket test. Malaysians can play cricket and Indonesians can’t. Malaysia wins this one easily (Indonesia no stars, Malaysia ***)

So all in all, a clear victory for Indonesia then. Malaysia is trailing way behind on nearly every measure. Even if they can play cricket!

It’s late at night and you need some help to clarify the meaning of a business proposal written in one of those esoteric Eastern European languages. What do you do? Well, you could always try to track down someone at one of the embassies of course. But if that proved fruitless it might be better to head over to Jalan Pencongan in the Pasar Baru district of Central Jakarta and seek out the garish looking Emporium Hotel and Spa where a motley assortment of the finest looking Eastern European (and Chinese) girls will welcome you with open hands (and probably a lot more).



Despite facing many “legal” difficulties in the past, the future for Emporium now looks even brighter than its recent paintjob as it has been acquired by the owner of the legendary Alexis Hotel (he who must not be named), who, you will not be surprised to learn, knows “all the right people”.

The facilities include a lounge (with so called “non-stop” sexy dancers), a spa and massage, and the obligatory karaoke parlor where you can croon to your heart’s content.

For those facing time constraints, simply try the “one hour special package” which allows you to choose how much time you spend poolside and how much time in the room. Inquire for prices.

And if she can’t help you with the translation? Well, you haven’t come in vain have you? Hahaha!

Emporium Spa and Hotel
Jl. Pecenongan Raya no 29-31
Central Jakarta

Tel: (021) 352 1133

It’s a sad indictment on Jakarta’s public planning – and spatial planning in particular - that about the only open spaces left in this madcap city are the graveyards!

But with land becoming increasingly scare and prices rocketing ever higher, even the graveyards may not be safe from the clutches of opportunist property developers.

I can just imagine how the marketing literature would go:

Welcome to Spooky Mansions Residences: perfect for single people – you’ll never be alone; the ghosts will make sure of that!

In Jakarta there are a number of graveyards worth visiting.

The historic Taman Prasasti cemetery in Tanah Abang is one of the city’s hidden secrets and provides a fascinating glimpse back into the city’s colonial past.

And some distance away at Menteng Pulo lie the superbly maintained British and Dutch war cemeteries.

Last week I was on the bike and heading toward the fitness center and took a short cut as the road was jammed.

This took me through the old Petamburan Cemetery, a Christian cemetery where many Chinese are buried.

And there on the right – an absolutely huge European style mausoleum!



Going out in style: the final resting place of a legendary Chinese landlord named Khouw Oen Giok and his wife who both died in 1957.

Some years back I lived in Surabaya, a large city in East Java whose melodious name belies the rough and somewhat sleazy character of this industrial port city.

A bit like Liverpool really.

But one hell of a lot hotter.

From Surabaya, Madura is just a stone’s throw away, but only a very small number of tourists ever visit this poor and arid island compared to the hoards who make their way to the lush and tourist-friendly island of Bali, a good 8 hours drive to the east.

Just like Millwall supporters, noone particularly likes the Madurese and despite their large numbers (the Madurese are surprisingly the third largest ethnic group in Indonesia) they are highly under represented in virtually all aspects of Indonesian society including business and government.

The island’s poverty has forced many Madurese to seek their fortunes – or just mere survival – in places like Surabaya and in the rest of Java, and even as far afield as Kalimantan, where large numbers of Madurese were sent on infamous transmigration programs, only later to regret they had ever crossed swords (literally) with Kalimantan’s indigenous Dayak tribesmen.

I left for Madura on some ancient city bus, passing through some extremely dodgy areas of Surabaya, before we arrived at Tanjung Perak harbor from where I could get the rustbucket ferry across to Madura Island.

The Madurese are well known for their hot headedness. Add to this the fact that they practice a custom of “blood revenge” called carok - in which punishment is delivered with the blow of a sickle-shaped knife, and you can understand why the Madurese have attained their fearsome reputation.

I was once walking down Jalan Pemuda in Surabaya when I came across a large crowd of people gathered in a circle around some hapless chap who had been riding a motorcycle – seems he had been recognized by the Madurese person he had cheated or betrayed and had paid the ultimate price. I didn’t bother to take a closer look – decapitated corpses are not my thing.

The Madurese are also noted for their Islamic piety and the island’s religious leaders are probably the most respected and influential figures in Madurese society.

But this is still Indonesia. And things are not what they seem. In fact, what goes on in Madura is so weird and so way off the radar screen, you’d be forgiven for thinking the boat had sunk in the Bermuda Triangle.

The very name of the island, for example, does not allude to some religious matter, but is taken from the words madu (honey) and dara (girl). But there’s more. Because these honey girls of Madura possess remarkable sexual skills called goyang goyang Madura, which is the girl’s ability to use her vital organ to squeeze and massage (so I’m told!).

The other thing about the Madurese is that despite being devout Muslims, they also practice various forms of sorcery and magic. Oh yeah, and they also love bullraces. A lot.

Anyway, at the small and noisy port we arrived at in Madura, I took a small public minibus to some God forsaken village where I heard traditional bullraces were going to be held, but there turned out to be no place to stay, and I was getting concerned as it was pretty late in the day, not long till sunset.

Luckily for me, though, a Madurese witchdoctor (dukun) – who also wanted to watch the bullraces – very kindly invited me to stay at his home with his beautiful young wife and two kids.

Now I’ve always known that these dukuns believe some seriously weird s**t, but nothing on Earth could have prepared me for what was in for store for me that night, suffice to say that people who practice black magic have some very strange ideas on what should be done to bring them luck (having said that, he made a killing the next day at the races!)

Ain’t things strange the way they work out?

Note: The results of NTD’s Third Chinese International Photography Competition have just been announced. After two months of review, the judges selected 48 winners out of over 6,000 entries. One of the winners is from Indonesia. It’s called “Bull Race” and is by Hubert Januar.


The Location of the exhibition is:
Calumet Photographic Gallery
2 W. 22nd Street, New York, NY, U.S.A.
Hours: 11/30-12/24, Monday-Friday 8:30am-5:30pm, Saturday 9am-5:30pm. From Nov. 30 to Dec. 24
The exhibition is free and open to the public

Who the hell is that in the red shirt? I thought Indonesia were playing Malaysia tonight? So I’m wrong! Well, this must be an Indonesian Super League match then. What else could it be? After all, the Uruguayan Christian Gonzales is playing. But why is he in a red shirt? Doesn’t his club Persib Bandung play in blue?

But Christian Gonzales was playing for Indonesia of course. Cos he is now Indonesian, having becoming a naturalised citizen of the Republic of Indonesia on 1 November.

Although this is not a first (Antonio Blanco was awarded Indonesian citizenship by Sukarno for example), it is extremely rare. Very few foreigners – and especially “bules” – have ever been able to negotiate the bewilderingly complex maze of Indonesian bureaucracy to obtain Indonesian citizenship.

Most of us, even if we have been here for years, speak near perfect Indonesian and have strong family ties, have little choice but to live here as a foreigner in one of three possible ways:

1) with a social or business visa that can be extended up to six months before a trip to Singapore is required to get a new one;
2) with a KITAS (working visa). Very expensive but allows you to stay in Indonesia for up to five years with yearly renewals;
3) with a retirement visa – mostly given out in Bali – not sure if it would be possible to get one elsewhere. Cheaper than a working visa but you must be older than 55.

So how did Gonzales manage it? How did he manage to succeed where so many have failed? And what exactly are the legal requirements for a foreigner to become naturalised as an Indonesian citizen anyway? Well, after some searching I finally managed to access the document.

INDONESIA LAW DIGEST 4.04 4.04 NATURALIZATION:

Governing Law. Naturalization is governed by Law No. 12 of 2006 dated 1
Aug. 2006 concerning Citizenship of Republic of Indonesia, Presidential Decree
No. 57 of 1995 dated 14 Aug. 1995 concerning Procedures for Indonesian
Naturalization and Presidential Decree No. 56 of 1996 concerning Evidence of
Citizenship of Republic of Indonesia dated 9 July 1996. Naturalization
application may be submitted by applicant if applicant fulfills following
conditions:

(i) Has already reached age of 18 years or has already married;
(ii) at time of submission of application has already resided in territory
of Republic of Indonesia for at least five years on continuous basis or at least
ten years on non-continuous basis;
(iii) is of sound mind and body;
(iv)
is able to speak Indonesian language and acknowledges that Pancasila as basis of
State and Constitution of State of Republic of Indonesia of 1945;
(v) has
never been convicted of criminal act with sanctions of criminal imprisonment for
one or more years;
(vi) dual citizenship does not occur by virtue of
obtaining citizenship of Republic of Indonesia;
(vii) has occupation and/or
consistent income; and
(viii) has paid naturalization fee to National
Treasury.

Foreign state citizens who enter into lawful marriages with
Indonesian State citizens may obtain citizenship of Republic of Indonesia by
delivering declaration to become State citizen before official. Declaration to
become State citizen may be conducted if related person has already resided in
territory of State of Republic of Indonesia for at least five continuous years
or at least ten years on non-continuous basis, except if obtaining Indonesian
citizenship will result in dual citizenship. Aliens who have already served
State of Republic of Indonesia or for reasons of State interest may be granted
citizenship of Republic of Indonesia by President after obtaining considerations
of House of People's Representatives of Republic of Indonesia except when grant
of Indonesian citizenship will result in related person obtaining dual
citizenship. Work Permits. Aliens working in Indonesia are subject to Law No. 13
of 2003 dated 25 Mar. of 2003 concerning Labor Affairs. Employers utilizing
foreign workers must obtain written permission of Minister of Manpower or
appointed official prior to undertaking employment within Indonesia. Permits for
utilization of foreign workers are issued for purposes of utilization of foreign
workers conducted selectively in framework of enhancing utilization of
Indonesian manpower in maximum manner. Employer must obtain plan for utilization
of foreign workers containing: (i) Reason for utilization of foreign worker;
(ii) intended position of foreign worker within employer's organizational
structure; (iii) projected duration of utilization; and (iv) appointment of
Indonesian State citizen as assistant to foreign worker. Employers are obligated
to implement education and job training and technology transfer programs and
transfer skills which are in accordance with qualifications of position of
foreign worker. Immigration Permits. Aliens entering Indonesia are required to
possess visa, to obtain valid entry permit and to enter and exit through
examination by immigration official at immigration check point. Permanent
resident permits may be granted to aliens by Director General of Immigration on
behalf of Minister of Law and Human Rights. Aliens already obtaining limited
residence permits who reside in Indonesia continuously for two or more years may
apply for permanent resident permits.

********** Print Completed
********** Time of Request: Wednesday, January 06, 2010 Print Number:
2842:197122133 Number of Lines: 51 Number of Pages: 19:04:41 EST

Having read this, I’m not really convinced that Gonzales fulfills the requirements any better than the other foreigners who have been unsuccessful in their attempts to become naturalised, but I just guess that goes to show how popular football is in Indonesia. Now where did I put my boots?