Alterity | Jakarta and Bali

Some bright spark at, er-hum, Sparks Hotel, has only gone and come up with like the best idea ever – a spa with role play facilities! This is a totally unique concept in Jakarta (I think!) and Sparks Hotel has incorporated a really creative range of options in their “thematic” range of spa treatments which include: - a train carriage (wtf?!!!!) - an office - the doctor’s - X-ray room (wtf?!!!!) - Interrogation room (wtf?!!!!) - Public toilets (wtf?!!!!) - The tiger show - Tatami (Japanese style) - billiards room - Jungle In each setting, the therapist will dress accordingly (i.e. as a secretary in the office) and you basically take the role play from there. The interrogation room will please those of an S&M bent while the sickos will obviously be drawn to the public toilets. Avoid the office if you are tired of work obviously, but if you fancy a long ride you might want to take the train! But acting out your fantasies doesn’t come cheap (Rp790k++) so perhap...

A lot of good-looking Indonesian girls leave their hometowns expecting the streets of Jakarta to be paved with gold (or even paved at all!) but still find fame and fortune an elusive aspiration. So close yet so far…Just like the gold at the top of the National Monument ( Monas ) – sometimes you see it up there and think you can just reach out and grab it, but when you do… nothing. It’s frustratingly out of reach. But all is not lost. And a golden future may be in the grasp of these girls after all – provided they choose to take up employment at a club like Golden Crown Jakarta, a huge and popular entertainment center in the bustling downtown area of Chinatown ( Glodok ). This place is so large it’s unreal. More than 15,000 square meters of unfettered mayhem. They’ve got a 2,000 m2 discotheque which can accommodate up to 3,000 punters, a 600 m2 Digitech Lounge with 39 tables and 10 sofas, a huge Karaoke Hall, a total of 66 (yes 66!!!!) Karaoke Rooms, a Spa, Fitness Center, and eve...

Not happy with the shitty headphones you are using on your Ipod, smartphone or even connected to the office computer? Then get something better!  Like the SENNHEISER 228. I picked up two pairs of these – one for myself and one for my daughter – and got a 20 percent discount. These headphones are great for listening to portable music devices for several reasons: 1) they are lightweight and very comfortable. Some people think that good headphones have to look like those ridiculously large cans that DJs wear in the studio, but they are wrong. The SENNHEISER 228 may be lightweight but they pack a punch even if the bass is not as good as on larger headphones. 2) They have fairly high Sensitivity (110 dB). This means your smartphone or IPod can drive them okay – i.e. you will be able to listen to music at sufficiently loud levels. 3) They sound great. Now you can hear music again. The details come to life, the treble is natural and the bass is solid but not excessive or muffled....

In total I have owned three pairs of Sennheiser headphones – two entry level models (the names of which I cannot remember) and, most recently, my trusty Sennheiser 228 headphones . The Sennheiser 228 headphones are what you could call good value budget headphones. They are not dirt cheap but not expensive either and sell for around 60 bucks. I’ve had them plugged into a FIIO E7 USB DAC and Portable Headphone Amplifier which is connected to my PC. This makes for a very listenable setup – especially if you listen to higher quality FLAC music files rather than bog standard MP3s. But then I started to wonder. Could I do better? So many kids these days are wearing expensive Beats headphones plugged into their IPods. Are they getting a much better listening experience than I am? And if so, shouldn’t I do something about it? So it was off to the local electronics store to listen to the Beats. And boy oh boy was I disappointed! Yes there was plenty of bass but it all sounded so...

Yes, Stadium is “Easily’ the best nightclub in Chinatown. But whatever you do, don’t be tempted. It’s just not worth it. You only have to look at what happened to Australia’s very own marijuana queen Schapelle Corby to realize that. To get to Stadium necessitates a trip (pun unintended!) to Jakarta’s grubby downtown area of Chinatown. During the daytime this part of town is a veritable nightmare of traffic congestion and pollution. But in the cooler air of a late Jakarta evening, it takes on a neon-lit charm all of its very own. But Stadium doesn’t put on any pretentious airs – and it doesn’t need to. This is house music at its most visceral – a homage to the nocturnal techno gods played out in a suitable subversive and decadent venue. Admittedly, this is not a particularly good place to meet girls. It’s not that they aren’t there (they are in a physical sense) but many are so tripped out that they could just as well be on planet Mars. Stadium is particularly known for...

Padang Bai is a sheltered little bay in the eastern part of Bali. It’s idyllic enough but there is a downside – it is also the place where rust bucket ferries depart for the long and slow trip (anything from 5-7 hours) to Lombok. As a result, there is a lot of traffic coming through - mostly tatty trucks and belching buses. But is it worth coming to Padang Bai, even if you are not getting the ferry across to Lombok? Well, possibly it is. If you are heading north to Amed , for example, and are too tired to continue your journey, Padang Bai is a good place to stop given the availability of affordable - albeit rather basic - accommodations like this one . What makes Padangbai worth visiting, though, is its secluded beach called the Blue Lagoon. It’s located to the north of the village and you just have to climb a small hill to get there. At the top there is a small carpark and a signpost showing the way. If in doubt just ask for directions. The Blue Lagoon is certainly a very ni...

“Indonesia” is the big, older brother who didn’t quite make it, living in a cheap rented house on the outskirts of Jakarta, and twice divorced. His little brother “Malaysia”, in contrast, is nuevo-rich, stylish and confident – some would say cocky - and owns a luxurious apartment in uptown KL.  No wonder there’s no love lost between the two countries. Sukarno didn’t like Malaysia much either and famously tried to “crush them” (Ganyang Malaysia) under his konfrontasi polices back in the 60’s. Read about that here .  Some 50 years later and the two countries are set to meet in the final of the Asean Football Federation Suzuki Cup, a two-leg affair that will either end in glory or soul crushing disappointment depending on who wins.  But which is the better country? Well, here’s my analysis. In the spirit of MTV’s Celebrity Deathmatch of course!  Freedom of Speech . Well there’s no contest here: Indonesia has a dynamic publishing and broadcasting industry while Malaysi...

The Sailendra Restaurant is located at the JW Marriott Hotel in Jakarta and is famous for its “all you can eat” buffets. It’s been a good few years since I’ve been there and, partly in a desire to take a nostalgic trip down memory lane, but also to see how it stacks up against the competition, I booked a table for a Sunday lunch buffet which ran from 11.30am-3.30pm (or more than enough time to get your gluttonous fill). But before you can start eating you have to get into the hotel; and that’s something easier said than done! I mean, they are thorough. Really, really thorough. Heck, for a moment I was almost expecting them to strip down the car’s engine and put on the rubber glove and do the unspeakable! That, thankfully over, and we soon in the lobby area and I had the feeling that all eyes were on us – and of course they were – in addition to God knows how many security cameras. Once in the restaurant we were efficiently seated and it was time for us to eat. Bring it on ba...

Question Hi! My last name is Ritz. We’re gonna have a baby this fall and looking at possible names. My husband and I really like the name “London” but every time I make a name poll, everyone scoffs at the combination because they say it sounds like a hotel. Would this be something you really think she would be teased about in life, and would it be so bad?  - Mrs. Ritz Answer Be thankful for the surname Ritz! It’s short and easy to spell and pronounce. It has positive associations. Families with names like Crumpacker, Slutz and Pincock envy you. BUT… … the one thing you can't go putting on the Ritz is a place name! That hotel is sacrosanct and their afternoon tea is legendary! Call your kid “London Ritz” and they’ll grow up being either hated or envied – and probably both! So forget London and go with either Linden or Logan instead!!! Equally preposterous is the new Indonesian film London Virginia: With the huge phallic like Monas in the film, you can't go wrong I suppose. Lond...

Probably the best budget hotel in Ubud is the Wenara Hotel. It has nice Balinese gardens, and a recent addition is the swimming pool. The rooms are pretty basic but I generally sleep well here (*) – even if the bedding is not the last word in quality. For breakfast you get a small fruit salad, coffee or tea, and either a pancake or omelet or scrambled eggs. If you don’t like monkeys, however, don’t stay at this hotel. On the other side of the ravine at the end of the gardens is the Monkey Forest , and sometimes the monkeys come into the garden of the hotel and even onto the roof of your bungalow! This ravine at the end of the gardens is very deep and if you have young children, make sure they are supervised at all times! (*) the only other caveat I’d have about this place is that although the bungalows are quite sturdily built from bricks, the sounds coming from the bungalow next to yours are quite audible. This may, of course, not be a problem but in my case I ...

Need to stay in Padangbai? Luckily there are a number of options. Alola Inn is located away from the main village but as we arrived late at night we couldn't be bothered to check out the other places for comparison. The Balinese gardens are nice enough, although we didn't try the swimming pool. As for the room? Well it was very basic and not much thought had gone into making sure that guests had a pleasant stay. The curtains for example were so thin they didn't keep the room dark from the outside lights. And while the bed was just about passable the pillows were the most uncomfortable I have EVER come across in all my years of traveling: they were filled with foam so thick it was like laying your head on a rock. Basically, they were completely unusable. Unless you like having neckache that is!!! 

It’s late at night and you need some help to clarify the meaning of a business proposal written in one of those esoteric Eastern European languages. What do you do? Well, you could always try to track down someone at one of the embassies of course. But if that proved fruitless it might be better to head over to Jalan Pencongan in the Pasar Baru district of Central Jakarta and seek out the garish looking Emporium Hotel and Spa where a motley assortment of the finest looking Eastern European (and Chinese) girls will welcome you with open hands (and probably a lot more). Despite facing many “legal” difficulties in the past, the future for Emporium now looks even brighter than its recent paintjob as it has been acquired by the owner of the legendary Alexis Hotel (he who must not be named), who, you will not be surprised to learn, knows “all the right people”. The facilities include a lounge (with so called “non-stop” sexy dancers), a spa and massage, and the obligatory karaoke parlor w...

It’s a sad indictment on Jakarta’s public planning – and spatial planning in particular - that about the only open spaces left in this madcap city are the graveyards! But with land becoming increasingly scare and prices rocketing ever higher, even the graveyards may not be safe from the clutches of opportunist property developers. I can just imagine how the marketing literature would go: Welcome to Spooky Mansions Residences: perfect for single people – you’ll never be alone; the ghosts will make sure of that! In Jakarta there are a number of graveyards worth visiting. The historic Taman Prasasti cemetery in Tanah Abang is one of the city’s hidden secrets and provides a fascinating glimpse back into the city’s colonial past. And some distance away at Menteng Pulo lie the superbly maintained British and Dutch war cemeteries . Last week I was on the bike and heading toward the fitness center and took a short cut as the road was jammed. This took me through the old Petamburan Cemetery, a ...

I would definitely recommend this place if you want to go diving at Tulamben. No, they are not the cheapest and there is some disorganization in how they take bookings but the professionalism and overall good quality of the dive resort makes Tulamben Wreck Divers a great choice for new and experienced divers alike. ASSESSMENT PLUS POINTS - Quality dive center with good quality well-maintained equipment including a wide selection of different-sized wetsuits. - Competent dive instructors. - Friendly management. - Excellent accommodation. The rooms are very presentable, comfortable and large. The air-con works well and each room has a small fridge, TV and DVD player. - Good restaurant. Tulamben is notorious for its bad food so I was very happy to discover that the food at the resort’s restaurant was actually pretty good. NEGATIVE POINTS - Rather pricey. - Because it’s a popular dive center, they have been known to mess up room bookings due to “miscommunications”. And as...

There are so many places to stay in Amed but the Sama Sama Bugalows will always remain special to me. Why do I like to stay there? Well… 1) The location is superb. You are literally only a few minutes walk to one of the best snorkeling spots in Amed’s Jemeluk Bay. 2) The accommodation, although basic, is very affordable. That’s great. As long as you can live without having any air conditioning! 3) The Sama Sama restaurant out in front serves some of the best food in Amed – and at competitive prices. A must try – if they have it – is the mahi mahi: a good size fillet of common dolphinfish served with traditional Balinese (spicy) sauce. Superb! 

Opened by an American lass, who presumably has fallen in love with Bali (and who can blame her?), Kismet Cafe is a pleasant little cafe located on a narrow side street which takes you to the famous Nomad Restaurant at one end. Kismet is an unusual name and is apparently derived from Turkish, Urdu or Persian, meaning fate or destiny, a predetermined course of events.Very apt I would think for most foreigners who end up in Bali - and other parts of Indonesia for that matter; not so much a predetermined decision but something which just seems to happen to us...

BATS has something of a Jekyll and Hyde nature to it.  Before 9.00pm it’s a sort of high-priced steakhouse serving hearty grub such as New York-style oversized steaks, pizza and burgers. Nice if you can afford it and you don’t have to watch the calories!  After 9.00pm, however, things begin to slowly change as the ladies of the night begin turning up, occasionally on their own, but mostly in hunting packs.  More often than not these sizzling head turners tend to be regulars looking for a transactional relationship - as opposed to liberated secretaries and the like.  But hey, you could get lucky right? BATS Shangri-La Hotel Jakarta Telp: (021) 570 7440 Opening hours Monday - Thursday: 5:00 pm - 2:00 am Friday - Saturday: 5:00 pm - 3:00 am Sunday: 5:00 pm - 2:00 am

The medicinal benefits of alcohol are manifold, especially when consumed in very large quantities, and include: stress release, alleviation of depression, improved eyesight (that girl over there is a lot prettier right?), improved reflexes and coordination, and, most significantly, strong anti-sobriety qualities. Although not generally available in Jakarta’s apotik (chemists), medicinal alcohol can be consumed in the premises of a number of independent vendors without prescription. Alternatively, some supermarkets (like Hero and Kem chicks) also sell the drug, but only for consumption in your own home. Alcoholics Bar in Kemang is one particular establishment keen to cater to the growing number of users of this popular drug, and taking things a step further, they even incorporate alcohol into its food menu, serving its alcoholic patrons dishes such as Guinness Mini Burger, Southern Comfort Pizza and the ridiculously outlandish Beer Can Chicken. The Potato Wedges are one of the few...

I don't like expectations. ~Rashida Jones I had high hopes for Outback Steakhouse. I really did. A fancy restaurant in a fancy mall. Alas, I should have known better. Don’t get your hopes up too high – or you’ll surely be disappointed… Verdict The Restaurant : Typical theme restaurant format: nice wooden tables, low hanging lights, a bright and breezy bar, and deep, comfortable seats. The Taste : We chose sirloin steaks (which come with two side dishes of your choice). The best thing I can say is that the baked potato was fine. As for the steaks, well, they reminded me a lot of the beef I used to get served for school diners – tough and pretty tasteless. I’m not sure what the antonym for “juicy” is, but that word would be perfect to describe the slabs of meat put in front of us. As for the side serving of vegetables, well let me say that the portion so served was so miserly that even Ebenezer Scrooge would have served a large portion had he been the owner of a steakhou...

Some years back I lived in Surabaya, a large city in East Java whose melodious name belies the rough and somewhat sleazy character of this industrial port city. A bit like Liverpool really. But one hell of a lot hotter.  From Surabaya, Madura is just a stone’s throw away, but only a very small number of tourists ever visit this poor and arid island compared to the hoards who make their way to the lush and tourist-friendly island of Bali, a good 8 hours drive to the east.   Just like Millwall supporters, noone particularly likes the Madurese and despite their large numbers (the Madurese are surprisingly the third largest ethnic group in Indonesia) they are highly under represented in virtually all aspects of Indonesian society including business and government.  The island’s poverty has forced many Madurese to seek their fortunes – or just mere survival – in places like Surabaya and in the rest of Java, and even as far afield as Kalimantan, where large numbers of Ma...

1. Batman Suparman . His parents obviously had high hopes for their son, naming him not after one superhero but two! Things didn’t quite turn out as expected, however, as Batman was recently jailed in Singapore for a host of offenses including theft, trespassing and illegal drug use. His parents obviously named him after the wrong superhero – “Joker” would have been far more apt! 2. Yessie Vibrator . A rather trashy looking dangdut singer, Yessie gets the vibe wherever she goes… 3. Paris Hotman . One of Indonesia’s most successful lawyers, Paris Hotman gained attention internationally when he agreed to be part of the legal team for the busty drug trafficker Schapelle Corby. Unfortunately for Corby, she still went down for 20 years. Hotman wasn’t quite as hot as his name suggests it seems… 4. Kennedy Muslim . A well known character in Indonesia’s Twittersphere, his name alludes to all sorts of contradictions. Wonderful. 5. Kombes Pol. Drs. Napoleon Bonapart. Name your k...

Kid: is that a UFO Dad? Dad: No, it's WTC Mangga Dua Mall!

By all accounts, Indonesian poet Chairil Anwar lived the bohemian lifestyle, a sort of Indonesian equivalent of the great Oscar Wilde. These insalubrious digressions are (it is said) to have accounted for Chairil’s early demise – he passed away on 28 April 1949, aged only 26. But Chairil could write, and he left a great legacy. This poem is my favorite, translated brilliantly by Jakarta veteran John H. McGlynn: The Seized and the Severed the darkness and passing wind overtake me and the room where the one I long for shivers with night’s penetration; trees stand like dead memorials but in Karet, yes, Karet Cemetery – my future locale – there, the wind howls, too I put my room in order, and myself as well, in the chance that you might come and I may once again unleash a new story for you; but now it’s only my hands that move, emptily my body is still and alone, as frozen stories and events pass by

Looks like Miyabi made some new friends whilst she was in Indonesia. Let’s hope she wasn’t taken for too long a ride! Hahaha!

Who the hell is that in the red shirt? I thought Indonesia were playing Malaysia tonight? So I’m wrong! Well, this must be an Indonesian Super League match then. What else could it be? After all, the Uruguayan Christian Gonzales is playing. But why is he in a red shirt? Doesn’t his club Persib Bandung play in blue?  But Christian Gonzales was playing for Indonesia of course. Cos he is now Indonesian, having becoming a naturalised citizen of the Republic of Indonesia on 1 November.  Although this is not a first ( Antonio Blanco was awarded Indonesian citizenship by Sukarno for example), it is extremely rare.  Very few foreigners – and especially “bules” – have ever been able to negotiate the bewilderingly complex maze of Indonesian bureaucracy to obtain Indonesian citizenship.  Most of us, even if we have been here for years, speak near perfect Indonesian and have strong family ties, have little choice but to live here as a foreigner in one of three possible ways:...

Miyabi may find herself in an unfamiliar setting – the Tanah Kusir graveyard to be precise - but this didn’t stop the ex-Japanese AV star from giving everything in a quite simply outstanding performance that will titillate Indonesian cinema goers the length and breadth of the country. In the film, Miyabi plays a journalist named Pauline, who apart from a love of visiting graveyards to conduct research, also has a liking for tight denim shorts and near see-through tanks tops. Great. Behind closed doors, the heat meter is ratched up to even higher levels when Miyabi removes most of her clothing besides her bra – but even that is later discarded when she is filmed topless from behind. All in all, a pretty good film from the fine folk at Maxima Pictures, although Miyabi fans may go home longing for more. Thank God for her old DVDs eh?